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Infertility & How Giving Up Sparked Joy

Let go or be dragged - Zen Proverb

One year ago, I wanted to have a baby. ASAP. Not ASAP, yesterday. I was behind. I was in my 30s. I had been with my husband for years. I wanted to be pregnant. Ideally with a spring due date so I’d be past my usual seasonal depression and it would be warm enough to stroll around outside but not warm enough to be in a bikini right after birth. Not only was I eager to get pregnant, but I was curious to know the sex of this unborn, unconceived child. I had things to monogram, and a nursery to design. I had love to give and I was tired of waiting.

Fast forward to today, and I am still not pregnant. “Unknown Infertility” is the cause. Blank pillows sit in a room, no monogrammed initials in sight. No baby showers have occurred. However, I have attended many.

My reality has not matched up with the grand plan I crafted in my head, and it was starting to drive me mad.

My health and mental wellness could only take so much. So, I gave up. Not on having a child, but on trying to assert control over an uncontrollable situation. Perfectly timing a pregnancy was not in the cards. I had to turn away from social media images of flawless, time-sensitive, 20-something, families. I ignored the barrage of pregnancy announcements, as consistent for my age bracket as Trump’s stream of tweets. To protect my mental health and to preserve any enjoyment of life, I had to refocus on the present moment.  

To my surprise, I’m still breathing, and the world has not imploded. Not only that, but I have experienced much joy in the time since giving up. Who knew the freedom that would come with putting the type-A, planner extraordinaire part of my brain on Silent. I looked anxiety square in the face and took my power back. Life should not be lived with one foot in the future. Now, I am living in the present with both feet firmly on the ground.

By letting go, I opened up the possibility for joy to rush back into my life. I know that in due time, it will happen. Later, I hope; I can fondly look back at this, and think about how much free time, and uninterrupted sleep I had.

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