Infertility and Psychic Binging

My story of desperation to save my marriage cost me a lot emotionally and financially, but what it has allowed me to do for others is such an honor.

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I am an Empath. This means that I feel very deeply, and when I am in love, I love hard. Years before my spiritual awakening, there was a time when I was married. When I said yes to his proposal, I had no doubt in my mind that I could have loved that man forever. Long story short, we dated for 4 years and were married for 3. 

During our marriage I had major infertility issues. Miscarriages and a couple of ectopic pregnancies, which one resulted in having to have one of my tubes removed. This was in an effort to save my life. 

My doctor explained to me that the normal size of a tube is about the size and shape of a pencil. He went on to say that during my operation, he found that mine was the size of a polish sausage. Had it bust, I would have died.

Attempts to have a baby always resulted in a miscarriage. The baby never made it more than 5 weeks. This put a lot of strain on my marriage. After having a diagnostic surgery to find out why this kept happening, the doctor told my husband while I was still under anesthesia that I would never be able to have children.

I will never forget waking up from surgery and seeing the look on my husbands face. I had been looking at that man for years, and I had never once seen the look I saw that day. I didn’t know it yet, but that was the day my marriage, in his mind, had ended.

The drive home was long. It was silent. It was uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. It was like riding home with a total stranger. 

I just wanted to make it better. For him, I simply could not. At least, that is what I would find out later.

I broke the silence by trying to show some optimism. I mentioned how we could adopt or use a surrogate, or maybe even try in vitro fertilization. He slowly turned and looked at me and said, “What the fuck do I look like with somebody else’s kid?” I was in total shock because that was the first time he ever talked to me like that. 

I thought that was going to be his only comment but he continued. “A man and a woman should be able to lay down together and make a baby. The normal way. That’s how it should happen. I don’t want to have to go through in vitro fertilization or have someone else carry my child. No!” 

I didn’t say anything for the rest of the ride home.

It wasn’t long before my husband began volunteering to take more work assignments that would take him out of the country. He would sometimes be gone for weeks. Other times he would be gone for months, and because he was in the military, I would have to wait for him to call me from whatever country he was in. 

His last tour of duty lasted for 4 months and each month my husband called me twice. I lost a lot of sleep during that time. He would call about 2 in the morning, and later the calls would come in at different times in the middle of the night. I never knew when he was going to call. 

I was always on edge, trying not to fully fall asleep because there would be a chance that I would miss his call. What’s worse, he kept his calls to less than 5 minutes. I always felt during that time that he wasn’t calling because he wanted to, but because he didn’t want me going to his superior officer and asking why I haven’t heard from my husband. Each call I ended with saying I love you. Each time, he listened to me say it and hung up.

When my husband returned home from his 4 month tour, things got worse. He began hanging out with coworkers more and even had an affair. I remember sitting on the couch watching tv and I just knew. I got up, got in the car, and saw him coming down the street. He got into the car and before I could ask him where he was he started crying and beating on the dashboard yelling, “Why can’t you have kids! What’s wrong with you!”

I started crying too. No longer thinking about the infidelity he had just committed, which was also later confirmed by him. I kept saying repeatedly how I was sorry. As if not being able to have a baby was my fault. We got out of the car, and I reached to touch his shoulder as he was walking away. He turned around, looked at me, and said, “You disgust me.” I’ll never forget the pain those words caused me.

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t swallow. I think back now to how much sniveling I did for a man that just threw me away. I begged. I pleaded. I prayed. I asked him how he could just turn his back on me, not want to deal with me, no longer love me. Just like that. How could this be happening? His response, “You’re not my idea of what marriage should be. You should go back and live with your mom.”

I refused to leave. My refusal brought more pain. My husband stopped sleeping next to me at night. He stopped having sex with me. He would stay up late at night and watch porn repeatedly at the computer. Night after night. Night after night he would sit there masturbating while watching porn. The first time I caught him, he didn’t even know I had been standing right behind him. 

Watching him as the tears rolled down my face. It felt horrible to know that he would rather watch porn that to touch me. In his eyes, I really was disgusting. His browsing history was my reality check as to how much he really didn’t want me or to be intimate with me again.

A few weeks later, he was off to another country. Feeling humiliated, lonely, depressed, I decided to have a psychic reading. Normally, I do not want to know what my future holds, but in this case of pure desperation, I had to know if I would ever be able to have children and would my marriage be saved.

I began spending hundreds and later totaling up to thousands of dollars on psychic readings. I spent money in person, online, in different states. I would sometimes travel to really scary neighborhoods to meet with psychics. I did everything they told me to do. I paid for whatever I had to. If I didn’t have the money, I would sell something of mine to get it. I was completely consumed with saving my marriage, with having a baby, with creating a beautiful family. 

I didn’t care that my husband wasn’t calling me, because I was doing the work to bring us back together. I even drove to a bad neighborhood to yell at a psychic because I wasn’t seeing results. I was met with her sister instead. I was crying and screaming out of frustration when her sister asked me how much money had I given already. I told her. Which was about 1200 at the time. That’s when I realized that now we were both upset. Apparently her sister didn’t give her any of the money from the person they had on the take, which was me.

I walked back to my car. I just sat there. I think I had to be sitting there for at least 3 hours before it dawned on me I hadn’t started driving home yet. I was broke and I was miserable.

I went on to endure more emotional pain from my husband for a few months more. The pain pretty much had to cripple me before I decided to give up. It took me years to be able to speak about this without breaking down and crying. 

I have healed from this.

What I want people to take away from this story, is that we all have at some point in our lives, a moment of desperation. We all have moments where there is real fear there. Moments where we do not think we can make it through. The problem is, more times than not, we are not educated on “how” we can make it through. 

There’s nothing wrong with getting psychic readings, spiritual readings, shamanic readings, etc.. However, I find something very wrong with people that are in a position to use their gifts for the good of others just trying to make money. I will never understand why anyone would want to benefit from someone else’s pain.

Although this was not the circumstance that led to the activation of my own gifts, I do believe it was one of the steps in preparation for the path I am on now. Through pain, heartache, self-development, and continuing education, I have learned that everything that happens in our lives is meant to evolve us in some way.

Again, my infertility was not what led to the activation of my dormant gifts. That’s a story for another day. One that I will be happy to share with you at another time. 

After my spiritual awakening, and working with a mentor, I began this career by doing readings for free. I later went on to do paid readings. What I discovered is that not only do people primarily ask the same questions about love, career, money, health, I have the power to NOT simply just answer the question. What I mean by that is, I felt a spiritual responsibility to share more.

For instance, when I receive information, it comes very quickly. There is so much downloading at once. In order to keep up with it. Meaning, when I tap into someone, I literally have to sit down at my computer and type it all out as it comes to me. I do it for every reading, every time. 

Why not give a person everything that I am getting to help them? It is for their benefit. It is to help them. It is to give them peace. 

I urge you to really research the intuitive, life advisor, psychic, etc., that you are interested in working with. You want to get clear answers to your questions. You want to get as much information as you can. It does not benefit you to work with someone that will only give you a little information so that you have to keep coming back and paying for more readings.

I truly believe it is my spiritual responsibility to give someone everything that I pick up on to help them as much as I can the first time. 

This is why I began private consulting, with a special focus on emotional issues, so that I am giving detailed answers, thorough answers to support people. 

This is what I was meant to do. To hold a safe, sacred, place for people to get real in-depth answers to their questions. To validate your feelings, to dignify and uplift you. 

This is my calling. This is my honor. I am here to serve.

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