We used to talk all the time.
What happened? Let me guess, you’re busy. It’s not you, it’s me. Blah blah blah. You can be honest, I can take it.
Well, maybe I can’t take it but I would definitely prefer it over silence. I would prefer the truth over guessing what I did wrong. We were like glue and then one day—boom, it was like a reset button was hit and we traveled back to when we first met. When I had to second guess myself before I texted you two times in a row. So what happened? Because I used to text you ten times in ten minutes and I wouldn’t feel worried or bad about it. Now, I’m almost nervous to text you. Or maybe not nervous, but definitely discouraged because I know what your answer will be when I ask if you want to hang out.
“Sorry, I can’t tonight.”
Am I shocked? No. But it’s okay, there’s always next time. Except for the last few times, it’s been me who’s been asking you to hang out, when it used to be more balanced.
I really don’t have a problem with things not working out, but what happened to communication? What happened to open honesty and reliability? Things happen, I know. But five times in a row…?
No matter what type of relationship it is, I am always the person who is in my head, questioning the realness of the relationship, wondering how important or strong it is for not just me, but also the other person involved. Usually, I find myself to be over my head, I am a dedicated and loyal friend and person. So it’s no surprise usually when I discover my care and efforts going into a relationship are greater than those put in by the other person. That’s no issue, but there must be some level of reciprocity in the relationship, love can’t be all one-sided.
I don’t know about other people, but I feel like I am constantly thinking and wondering.
I wonder what others think about me and I’m curious about how much I mean to the people who mean so much to me. But most people probably think about this, at least occasionally. Because no one wants to be taken advantage and everyone wants to be recognized and seen.
In case you’re curious by now, I’m not talking about a sexual relationship.
Rather, I’m reflecting on a friendship that I thought was a lot stronger than it is. But I’ve realized that now and knowing that makes me feel a lot better. In no way would I consider this friendship or relationship over, but it’s good to know where I stand so that I don’t get hurt anymore. No friendship should be one-sided and if it feels that way, some reevaluating of the situation might be good.
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Am I sad about it? Yeah. Am I okay with it? Yeah, because I have to be.
It’s okay for relationships to be uneven as long as they’re still working. Sometimes they no longer work, and that often takes some evaluation. For me, I’ve moved on. *Yikes, this sounds like I just got out of a ten-year relationship with my boyfriend* But in all seriousness, friendships don’t always last forever. But what helps them last is open communication and honesty.
I hope one day I can say all this in person rather than writing it down on paper.
But for now, this is the best way I can explain my feelings. But next time, if you have something to say to me, just say it. I’d much prefer that over silence.