We live our lives hoping to find happiness! Little do we know that the happiness we seek can only be found inside our own souls. All our lives we chide ourselves for making mistakes, but a part of living is learning from the mistakes we make. Our lives aren’t an arena in which there are many spectators waiting to cheer us on… It’s not a circus where the clowns are placed on our paths just to make us laugh or get a squeal out of us… Our lives are a quantum… One in which we must take many large leaps to get from one place to another… Throughout that quantum we are dealt with many challenges and obstacles are placed in our way, ones which we must learn to overcome or, God forbid, just keep reliving them over and over until we get to the point of ENOUGH! I’ve had enough! I don’t want to do this ‘living’ anymore… Opinions of others have a dire effect on us, only if we let them… They’ll bring you down and hold your head under water until you drown… Only if we let them…
At the age of 19 I killed myself… I hear you saying ‘but here you are’… I took a sheet of serepax and a bottle of vodka and I took my own life… Life got too hard… It took too much every day to be who others wanted me to be… My life was thwart with battles I couldn’t keep fighting and I decided, since the memories plagued me, constantly, that I wasn’t worth anything to anyone anymore… Not even my children… I took the life I had, which I felt I only existed in and I ended it and yet here I am! The circumstances around my life took on a new meaning when I was ‘bought back to life’… But! It continued to stay the same, nothing changed, nothing got better and then I had 2 children to rear and make my own… I look back on this now as to what people said to me… “You weak bitch” “You couldn’t even do that right”… But I did! I took the life I was living and I stole the breath from my own body and if not for the people who I was running from, hadn’t found me, miraculously as it was, I wouldn’t be here today to tell the tale. My life hasn’t been easy… It hasn’t been one of ‘wow’, how amazing! I’m so lucky! And yet, at the same time it hasn’t been one of ‘woe’, ‘why me?’ This life I’ve lived has been one that you’d only see on the big screen, a life of child sexual abuse, child abuse, anger, drugs, alcohol abuse, torture, violence, multiple childbirth, loss, grief, love and hatred beyond imagination and so many other words which at this time escape my thoughts. If I was asked to explain my life in one word I would say ‘eventful’… Throughout my whole life I couldn’t find a reason to stay… Yet I did… But only until it became unbearable and then I’d run! I’d slip off my shoes and barefoot, I’d run! I wouldn’t stop to look back, I didn’t care what I was leaving behind, I’d just take flight and run! The darkness in my soul was fed by all the horrific things I saw and experienced… I hated my own reflection in the mirror… I couldn’t stand to see what I’d become… A lifeless, scared, little girl and I wasn’t a child anymore but I felt and acted as one and all I knew is that I was alone… I’ve always been alone, I’ve never been loved for who I am… I’ve never been told I’m beautiful from anyone who meant it… If I was given flowers or chocolates it was because it was a way of saying sorry for something they had or was about to do wrong. Therefore I never knew what true love was… I had my wings clipped by every man who ever touched me or told me he loved me… and when it came to getting married, I’d run! I’d keep running until I could run no more! Until every part of me ached and I had to stop… Or I would die… When I was a young teen I found myself in a situation I couldn’t escape from, but I did! I don’t know why I managed to escape but I found my way home from an incident that occurred in a school yard… That I will leave for another story… I guess the reason why I am writing this now has been prompted from a full season I watched in one sitting last night and this morning, 13 reasons why!!
Here’s one of my reasons why I’m here! Why I didn’t stay dead when I took my own life at 19…
The skeletons are falling out, at last I have the chance to empty my closets before it’s too late… If you’ve read this so far, if you feel the need to end your life or hurt yourself, please, take a look at what you have, who you are and who you can be! Think about all the things that are happening now and allow yourself to look beyond now and see into the future, this isn’t the end! This is only the beginning… One day you’ll look back at what’s happening now and see that it really isn’t worth taking your last breath for… The life you have to look forward to can be as beautiful or ugly as you allow it to be… Don’t allow others to define your destiny… Their opinions mean nothing… You are the master of yours… Write your own book and put what you want on the blank pages… Make it as beautiful as you choose… Mine is yet to be published but, every day as I live and breathe, I am writing it, the pages are being filled and I’m dictating where I am heading, my path has been set and without any ‘blame’ or ‘shame’, I am living it… Day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year, I am living it … Only I can make it how I want it to be… Only I am in control… Because this is my life… and I am here living it… To be continued…….