Never published before, the story that came out of this piece was published on Thought Catalog: I don’t know about you, but I’m scared to feel
I´ve been screaming to the whole world that I don’t know what love is and how it feels, but the minute I start thinking about particular man or dating someone new — it is like I´m trying to catch the bullet. I do not dodge, not at all. I expect it to hit me, I expect it to hit me so hard that I fall and my organs tear and I feel every bit of it, and when the bullet reaches my heart — I anticipate the excruciating pain of dying and the relief that comes after it.
I started seeing someone new and I expected him to mess up, so I would just break it off and never see him again. That would be easier, wouldn´t it? But that isn´t exactly what happened. To my biggest regret.
I watch myself get into the groove of things, I watch myself from the side and think how long gone am I already. I reluctantly let go of him when we kiss, I am calm and saddened at the same time when around him. It is the side effect of giving a shit. Really giving a shit, not like before. Not like when I hoped someone else to care, not when my soul was torched and left to dry because the feelings weren´t the same and the situation had changed.
But then I wake up in my bed in one country, or in his bed in the other country and feel like my life is slipping away and I am wasting it on thinking how hurt I will be in a month or two. Or maybe never, but we know better than that, it will happen at some point.
I´ve been looking into his eyes long enough to understand something is happening and I will never have control over anything
I feel at ease with him and I feel the desire to never let go and watch him walk around with his glasses on.
But then, I get back into my head and realize that this might be all we have and maybe couple of years ago I would be fine with it, but now…
Now, I don’t want feeling to be fleeting and always changing.
I want one feeling and I want it forever.
He looks at me, preoccupied and somewhere else, and I can’t help but take a leap and fear for the consequences.
The weight of time and failure is on my shoulders, I can’t shake it off, I can’t forget about its existence.
There are a lot of stories not to tell and feelings that better be forgotten, people to never speak to and love that was never found.
There has been a whole big life lead before him and I am not to be trusted when it concerns the mighty heart.
I failed in love, because I never felt it.
I failed in life, because I still don’t know what I’m doing with it.
I failed me, because I keep doing the same thing and wish the world to be different, when I don’t change a bit.
I’ve failed him once, because my incessant mind keeps bugging me, makes me distrustful and lets me think that this, with him, is nothing more than a mean case of humbuggery.
I can invent all kinds of reasons and pick fights with him all I want, but he is a man who looks at me like no other, the man who holds my hand tight, the man who is on his knees when the mere “sorry” isn´t enough, he is a man who took my breath away by not doing anything special and maybe he is not the man for me, but I will try not to push him away because of my messed-up, clichéd personality.
Sometimes I want to push away the world and be alone for the rest of my life and never find love, but that is fear talking and the tears are shed in presence of it.
I have a clear vision of what is going to happen, but when someone suggests it to me, I retract and say “no”.
I deny my feelings, I deny life, I overthink and I blow it out of proportion sometimes, but I am that soul, the burdened, the unstoppable.
And maybe, I am my own problem and my own solution, but I have the right to feel pain and I have the right to distrust his every move.
Although it is way too late, I am further gone than expected.
However I like him and however I´d like to be with him, it is out of my hands.
From now on, I just pray to God, this isn’t just another random person.
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Originally published at psiloveyou.xyz