Hi and welcome to the club !
My name is Lina and I have no idea who I am ! I turned 30 recently and I should have known until now. Right ? When I say I AM, I am thinking at my essence, my purpose, my objectives in life. Why am I here ? Why do I do what I do ? What do I want to let as legacy ? What do I want from life ? What do I need to let go off and welcome more in my life ? You got it. So with this milestone I start reflecting on things.
If you catch yourself thinking you should have done ( your list here )…stop it and read bellow. Take your time and go through all story. I promise the end will be worth it.
I am Lina and this is my list of what I know and don’t know for sure at 30’s y.o. :
I know for sure I have a lots of fears.
I know for sure I dislike to wake up early in the morning.
I know for sure that I get easily triggered and angered at small things.
I know for sure that I am bad at parallel parking, cooking and coherently expressing myself.
I know for sure I love the smell of coffee in the morning and that masturbation is my go getter for stress relief.
I know for sure that sometimes I play the victim role , because that is what “saved” me from childhood ( you see, I play it again!).
I know for sure that I am scared to show up my own emotions and frequently I end up hurting people, because my mouth can’t coherently express what my heart feels.
I know for sure it matter for me what others think about myself.
I know for sure being vulnerable and showing up my true emotions was never my thing.
I am willing to change this.
I know for sure people need to be listen and seen.
I know for sure I didn’t allowed myself to be seen nor listened, because of what that implied : connection.
I know for sure sometimes I am not a good listener because I am too much in my head.
I am willing to change this.
I know for sure your family or my family had a past on their own and we need to show more compassion and love for them and us.
I know for sure being vulnerable is not killing anyone, except the ego.
I know for sure if ego will be a person, I will slap the shit out of him/her.
I know for sure massage is my calling and my love language ( wait! first part, I don’t know for sure!).
I know for sure I was born in Romania, 30 years ago and I don’t have any siblings.
I know for sure, my name is Alina and I don’t know who I am.
I know for sure that sacrificing your needs to be loved, that’s not love, is abandonment.
I know for sure I am lovable and so you are.
I know for sure every women, no matter where she comes from, no matter the age, skin colour, religion, sexual orientation, family history, needs to be respected, protected and loved.
I know for sure people need support, even the though ones. Check on them!
I know for sure I want to live a life on my own terms.
I know for sure the list can go on.
Let me tell you right now what I don’t know for sure :
Why I do need to be married, have kids, be millionaire, own a house, a dog, a car by 30 ? Why do I need to check in all this boxes without even checking in with myself if I want them or not ? Why if you don’t have it is called “failure”?
What I don’t understand is why women at 30’s are seen as a liability if we don’t have a proper relationship or fit in as a general norm?
What I don’t know for sure is way single mothers, powerful independent women, single women, corporate women, any kind of women are seen as a threat for the society?
I don’t know for sure why we don’t love ourselves more and stand up for our believes ?
I don’t know for sure the hows :
How to allow myself to be loved and embrace uncertainty?
How to allow myself to be happy and be cherished by people?
How to allow myself the space to heal without blaming anyone else or playing the victim role?
How to express my needs and my heart without criticising myself?
How to connect with people on a deepest and personal level?
How to be real without overthinking?
To show up more for myself ?
To hug more people than I can count ?
To let go of my ego ?
And again the list can go on.
For you who reads this and relate, I want to say something :
We are powerful and incredible human beings. You are powerful and an incredible human being. I want to say that you deserve the very best in this world and if this milestone of 30 or any kind of milestone has impacted your wellbeing, let me tell you something : you, my friend, have the power all along to change it.
When we give ourselves credit, we empower ourselves. When we do so, we empower the generation before us, and the generation before them, for the ancestors of the ancestors. Honouring ourselves we honour them. Honouring who we really are and what we want to do with our lives and our body, is honouring them, with every cell.
You, my dear, deserve to start all over again and honour your heart, because 30’s is the new 20’s.
I love you and I am grateful ! For this, for you, for life! Let’s live on our own terms.