I want to hibernate.
I want to hide.
Have the tide…
Take me out to sea.
Just let me be.
With no, none, nada, responsibilities.
So much to do…
I want to go numb.
I don’t want to be Fierce💃,
I just want to run!
Away for a day, or a month, or a year.
If only I didn’t need to adhere-
To the rules of life.
This isn’t a game.
We need to keep our shit together,
Even if it drives us insane.
For I have three dependents.
They depend on me.
I need to earn every last cent.
To cover the their roof, food, and a billion presents.
BUT I WANNA be the DEPENDENT for the day, or a month, or a year….
I WANNA play!
Me! Me! Me!
I want to write poetry on the beach on Costa Rica.
That’s my ultimate fantasy, I’ll thrive!
Over there I’m a no-stress chica.
Can I just go into a fetal position?
Wear a sign? Out of Commission.
The to-list in my head grows and grows and then I make long lists, it’s legit like prose…
Because there is just so damn much to do!
Directing a territory, charming my clients, master of my domain, a sales supergiant.
Queen of the brand, same company the whole time-
Road Warrior expert, enough points to last a lifetime.
Yet still always running late, guaranteed they call my name as hyperventilating I haul ass to my gate…
Procrastinating, I pack at the very last second-
Always thinking my time is infinite.
Being prepared and organized is not my strength-
A fact I try to keep at arms length.
So I can have them all fooled,
And I can get by.
But sometimes it feels too much,
The weight is too heavy, and I just want to cry.
Because I need to run a house too.
No husband to hand over the “honey-do”.
For this I don’t even know what I’m doing, so handy-men and yard guys want to take advantage of my ignorance,
And now I’m finally starting to realize that my innocence,
Is not a good trait in this manner…
And they want all my single mom money, served up on a platter.
The expiration date came and went on my Honda sticker-
We ran out of milk again-
The to-do list is making me sicker.
I want to reach for my next fix…
So that I have the energy to fix something,
Anything. With house-lists the weight is crushing.
Being a house manager is important job…
But may I just please ignore it and lie around like a blob?
But here is the other thing, that makes it all so crazy…
And why it’s so, so, so much, why I can’t afford to be lazy.
My life could be a book, or a movie by Martin Scorsese.
On top of this stuff…….
This is big, this is A LOT,
And why I need to be “on”, I can’t be a robot.
It requires so much work to keep it together,
And I truly have to deeply dig because
I AM A MOTHER!
So I’m juggling a million hats, navigating my roles pretty darn well, but it’s always one thing after another.
So many people say I could never handle this, I don’t know how you do it.
We neither do I, I always said I could never imagine what would happen if my husband and I split.
But luckily I had my career and was able to make the best decision at the time for my children and me.
I walked out of the dark, I could finally see.
And once I did I had to make a change, which was to let him go.
My marriage was ending, such an unplanned blow.
The advice came to me honest and hard…
Do not make a decision to stay married based on how much of the housework/yard/bills/cooking/cleaning/he does… that had to be off the table…
Do not base a decision in fear of the house responsibilities not being stable.
I had to make an exchange.
Throw away the co-dependent me, learning I can’t fix him, yes this was totally key.
I swapped enabler for freedom, and thankfully stopped walking on eggshells.
It is exactly then that I met rage, grief, and began my walk through hell.
Going through it and growing through it I walked on out. I came out glowing on the other side.
I am strong, I am Fierce 💃, I survived!
I gave myself the gift of honor, and proudly stood Fierce💃.
With a new chapter starting I had to take a hard pierce,
At myself, go inward and learn, of my own doings.
But I also had to start looking at what responsibilities were brewing…
Becoming a healthy co-parent was agenda item number one!
Through a lot of therapy and maturity that is one item I won.
I never gave the gossipy neighbors a bone. I am against rumors and assumptions- for that they were out on their own.
I wasn’t going to add to their fuel…
Plus my kids are too young to learn what happened that would be so uncool!
Teachers say we are the inspiration for how co-parents should be. Our children’s friends’ parents say we’re the example of how it can be.
So back to what was brewing in responsibility hell
I would write lists and never look at them, in this vicious cycle I still dwell.
Even the idea of a lightbulb high up seemed intimidating…
Besides I was too busy for a to-do list as I was a brand new single woman and it was time to start mating.
Though after that season,
Came the voice of reason.
This single career mama has a never ending list to start seizin.
So I want to hide, I want to shout
Let me go away! I want out!
6 years it’s been-
Since I left him.
6 years of the to-list growing…
Need to keep up, where to begin?
Imagine all the items?
I’m trying to play catch up.
It’s a fuck load of work! That’s what’s up!
Ensure debt is paid off and all bills are covered.
Get expenses in for work, ugh, because if not my boss will hover.
Make sure the yard doesn’t look like no one cares, my green thumb ex left, and I don’t enjoy it, let’s be real.
A quick side-bar here….Since starting to write poetry though it might be in my future, poems about the soil and being grounded in the Earth, what a great way to heal. Planting could be a new form of art for me. Being present. Moving meditation in flowers. What a way to heal.
I digress though let’s get back to my mess.
Of lists that never end.
Oh and make sure the painter shows up, I wanted a fresh start, so I changed brown blah walls for teal.
So I don’t enjoy the grocery store, and I definitely don’t do laundry, I don’t look at picking up and putting away messes or at cooking very fondly.
Thankfully I have a great career!
So that I can get some help around here.
And best of all my growing kids are “showing up”, it’s a real treat to have them surprisingly come into their own at this age.
I have fallen in love with mothering them in this stage.
I am completely engaged.
No more laying in bed for hours endlessly scrolling,
I want to been seen, I make sure I am showing…
Up for all three, and I love that we can just be.
I’ve worked really hard on my house, if you peruse my profile you will see,
Images of calm, peace, serenity,
For I made my home my casita,
Resetting our wedge.
Cocooning ourselves in a dome.
So I don’t feel crazy, and I let myself breathe.
Thank God on my knees grateful.
I’m not hiding in the closet doing lines. Now I’m wakeful.
I’m not puking in the toilet or laying in bed miserable and full of wishes-
No denial. Damn, being hungover older? What a bitch that is!
Now I’m good! I’m doing the work!
I’m proud of myself for getting this far! I show this with words on Medium, Instagram, and Facebook.
I want to be a leader to others, inspire by example, sharing what it took,
To get to this place, to sit in this calming nook
So ok yes I’m lucky and shit, to have kids who show up and a woman who cleans.
First world problems. Bitching about them just seemed to sound mean.
I don’t at all take that for granted.
But now though, sometimes I really want to scream!
But I’m finally learning not deny myself pain,
Something I’ve really had to work on, to hop on this train.
I always compared my situation to others, less fortunate — who have it worse.
So I told myself I couldn’t feel, I wasn’t allowed to whine in verse.
But now I know, that I have a right to feel overwhelmed, and I let those feelings wash over me as they come.
They can be strong AF, but I get through it, and then I’m done.
Till it comes again, it’s just a big long cycle.
I’ll deny and procrastinate but then I’ll get back on it, it’s like riding a bicycle.
I’m sorry teacher I missed the email about X…
And OMG! Seriously doctor, what? I had an appointment for more RX?
I’m sorry I totally forgot I was busy having sex.
Well not really, but come on, to get X to rhyme can be kind of a hard time.
How many fucking kids do we have to get presents for?
And how come no one remembers until we are walking out the door?
If we remember at all.
And this is when I want an assistant.
To keep up with all the to-do’s.
I really would love for all of this to be streamlined and consistent.
Fucking fuk- fuk, when did my son learn he had a concert tonight?
Not only that his band shoes don’t fit I find out so now we are in a real plight.
I get pissed at my ex- but I don’t want to start a fight.
I get pissed at my son.
I get mad at myself for forgetting and I want to run.
Then for good measure I get pissed at Trump, I know you will appreciate this right?
I blame him for everything… if this makes you angry please don’t bite.
I’m not looking for Trolls here people. I don’t have time to counter any attack,
Because I only have an hour to run to Target and back.
To check my balance, where’s the password? On the mortgage, the water bill, there are so many websites it’s absurd.
I really should write a list of passwords and put them in one spot.
I’ll add that to my to-do list.
Shit or get off the pot.
The responsibilities are endless and I must try to stay present.
So I preach Eckhart Tolle’s words…
To much anxiety, fear, and worry is too much future, not enough presence.
This is a beautiful truth that can be hard to swallow, but oh how freeing it is when we can just follow.
Listing things to worry about in the future can seriously take my mind for a ride.
So I want to hibernate.
I want to hide.
But I need to pack.
And I’m out of room in my suitcase because when I got to the border town my bag didn’t make it so I had to hit Nordstrom Rack.
Didn’t want to spend that money, but now I probably fed ex some stuff home.
Why did I just spend hours writing this and leave all my clothes alone?
On the floor waiting to be organized.
And I was going to exercise and yoga too, I want the direction of my future clothing shopping to be going in a smaller size.
Soon Lyft will send me off again.
Taking a plane cross country.
No sleep for the weary.
No time for the worry.
And for once if I start early enough I won’t be in such a hurry.
Simply need to get through my shit.
It’s amazing truly that I’ve kept my job while parenting my kids.
And I adore writing and I do it even while closing my eyelids.
The hats I wear….
Makes for a long to-do list that goes on and on…
It was way more fun to write this then actually getting through the list!
But, as Eckhart Tolle says…
What’s in the Way, is the Way
I will walk one foot forward, one task at a time.
Please send me some good karma, throw me a lifeline-
For 2018 I manifest more streamlining and time blocks.
I need to come up with a doable plan.
One I can execute without my head in the sand.
But first I need to focus hard on the task at hand which is travel with my boss soon …
And kick as much ass as I can💃!
Peace at every step
Much love 💃