Living through the hurt and reaching a solid foundation of happiness

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I ignored you.  In fact, I deleted you.  I told you all of my insecurities.  All of them…  I thought I was letting a genuine person into my life.  I never realized that I was providing the play by play of how to hurt me.  I begged you not to use empty words.  I told you how I cling to the words.  You insisted that you were being true.  You told me you were real.  I believed it was real.  I allowed you in.  

I can recall it all from the beginning to the end.  You made me feel like a queen.  Sadly that was short lived.  I saw you falling away.  I was not secure with myself.  I allowed you in too quickly.  I quickly revolved my life around you.  You wanted nothing to do with me.  

You didn’t want me.  You didn’t have to say it.  I didn’t want to believe.  I finally asked you.  You admitted it.  I stooped down into the lowest form of humiliation- the type when you allow yourself to lose control and beg a man who doesn’t want you not to abandon you.

You ended it.  You typed a few sentences on a device that allowed you to avoid looking me in the eyes to cut me out.  You went on with your life.  I turned into a puddle of pathetic.  I turned into someone that I couldn’t stand to look it.  I wanted to disappear.

But I didn’t.  I lived through the hurt.  I wanted to be destructive.  But I wasn’t.  It hurt to breathe.  But I still breathed through the hurt.  It felt like it would never end.  

And then one day I took a deep breath and it didn’t hurt.  And just like that I was okay.  I was grateful for my life.  I enjoyed the moments of being alone.  The alone no longer consisted of lonely, rather peace.  I achieved the balance.  

I treasured my own company.  I vowed not to let anyone in who would dare disturb the peace of this new world I created for myself.  

I now understood that it was true…  God sometimes will allow your heart to be broken to save your soul.  My soul has been saved.  I am no longer living in fear.  I understand that this world is temporary.  I understand that I don’t have to live up to the expectations of this world.  I serve a God that is bigger than this world… a God that has never left me, even when I strayed away.

This new way of life does not come with out struggle, trials, and tests…  In the past you, each one of you, has been able to come back into my life at your convenience.  You’ve been able to come back because I allowed it.  

Not any more.  I am done with thinking you have changed.  I am done thinking that you have come with different intentions.  

This girl has a solid foundation and does not need to rest on the shaky foundation of quicksand that you offer.  

This girl is a princess loved by a God that offers a pure and unchanging love.  A God that has always been with me…  a God that sat with me through the lowest moments of my life and held every tear that I cried.  

I am okay.  I am living.  I am breathing.  I am happy.  I have a new life.  I have a world full of people of who love me.  

I am good.

So I ignored you… all of you.  I deleted you… all of you. 

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