Community//

I Have An Eating Disorder And I Refuse To Let It Kill Me

Even at my lowest, the number on the scale never seemed low enough... but was it ever worth the risk of losing my life?

The Thrive Global Community welcomes voices from many spheres on our open platform. We publish pieces as written by outside contributors with a wide range of opinions, which don’t necessarily reflect our own. Community stories are not commissioned by our editorial team and must meet our guidelines prior to being published.

I looked down at my thumb today. I know haven’t been eating enough. I told everyone I would get all my vitamins and calories in. I totally wanted to eat more of the guacamole I bought the other day, but I counted what I had eaten and those numbers seemed a little too high. I decided I didn’t need the extra helping, so I went to bed and the guacamole went bad.

Right now, there’s this vein popping out in my hand. I’ve never seen it before. Have I lost more weight? I just rushed into the bathroom, and I pulled my shirt up. I realize my ribs are nearly xylophones they’re so prominent now.

My breasts are all but gone. Even at my lowest weight at 17, I know I was a cup size B. I don’t know if I would fit into a training bra from Target from when I was 10 right now.

The pants I’m wearing are a size two. They keep slipping down my body. I pull them up. They slide back down. It hurts to sit now. My ass is only bones. I know the next thing I’m about to do is the worst for me. Yet, I still do it.

I turn sideways and see my stomach. It’s not flat. I try to fight the voice, but it takes over.

Everything else is small now, why is my stomach not flat?

I fight back. It’s organs. People with reproductive systems have organs. I’m on my period. Of course, I would be a little more bloated anyway. These organs are keeping me alive. This uterus is working. I want kids someday, right?

The voice kicks back in: It would ruin your body. Your stomach. And why is it not flat, anyhow?

Shut up. I didn’t even eat today. My stomach is empty.

YOU LOOK FAT.

I pull my shirt down and leave the hell-scape that is my own bathroom mirror before the voice has more to say. Then, I settle back into bed. I know I shouldn’t, I know I start comparing my body over the years, but I scroll through old photos anyway.

I stop at one from the beach in 2018, one I realize I don’t look at often. It was a true off-guard moment from the beach. I was wearing a blue bikini, and I was smiling. Really smiling.

I was running my hand through my hair, my posture wasn’t perfect, and my stomach was… not flat. I hated that set of pictures when I first saw them. My body didn’t look good enough. My hair was too messy. My smile was so goofy looking, my crooked teeth on display. I have a different thought today…

    Share your comments below. Please read our commenting guidelines before posting. If you have a concern about a comment, report it here.

    You might also like...

    Community//

    I Survived An Eating Disorder and So Can You: With Limor Weinstein & Victoria Evans, Intuitive Eating Coach

    by Limor Weinstein, MA., LMHC., FAED
    Community//

    “I’d love to launch a movement that would encourage parents of teenage girls to incorporate self-confidence methods into their daily lives” With Sarah Jarman

    by Yitzi Weiner
    Community//

    Traci Jeske of En Vogue Stylist: “Success does not happen overnight”

    by Pirie Jones Grossman
    We use cookies on our site to give you the best experience possible. By continuing to browse the site, you agree to this use. For more information on how we use cookies, see our Privacy Policy.