It’s been a while since I last wrote. The last few weeks have been spent meditating, reading and going to the gym. They’ve also been spent thinking about “You.” I think you know who you are.
I remember the first time I saw you, the first time we talked and the first kiss we shared.
I remember it all like it was yesterday. I went dancing to our spot, the one that has the twisting stairs that lead down to the dance floor. That night I found myself dancing on stage looking out into the crowd when I saw You. There you were, dancing and smiling from ear to ear. I smiled and thought, “I gotta meet that girl.” I tried looking for you amidst the crowd once I got off the stage, but you were nowhere to be found.
The following Thursday, I attended the language exchange my friends and I usually frequent. To my surprise, there You were again, across the room talking to a friend. I walked towards you and said, “Hey, you’re that girl I saw dancing last Monday night.” You looked a bit taken aback, surely wondering why I was talking to you (which you later confirmed was exactly your thought haha)
Despite a rocky start, the conversation went well and we traded numbers.
So on dates we went. Everything seemed to fit so perfectly. Neither one of us was really looking for something serious, let alone love. We started seeing each other once a week, which then became twice a week, which then led to me inviting you to a long weekend together in the Spanish countryside.
“Want to spend the holiday in wine country with me?” I said.
“Vale!” you replied.
That weekend was the start of me ultimately falling for you. In the end, we found ourselves spending every single day together after that trip.
Then one day it hit me. I realized that I loved you. It didn’t happen overnight. It happened over the course of a few months and then suddenly I fell for you. Like stepping on a banana peel. I didn’t realize what had happened until I hit the ground hard.
As the school year came to an end, we said our goodbyes and a few tears rolled down the side of your cheeks. I traveled all summer long and had time to think, write and reflect about our time together. Near the end of my travels and right before I made it to your hometown for a visit, I knew what I had to do. It was time I faced the music. It was time I told you how I felt.
I was nervous that night and right before you turned off the lights I said, “wait.” I sat up on your bed and said, “Hey babe, there’s something I want to say that’s been on my heart.” You sat there and looked at me sort of confused.
“I love you,” I said. “Do you want to be my girlfriend?”
“Thank you, But…” You paused. “I’m not ready for that,” you replied.
I felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under me and I fell into a black abyss, but replied, “It’s okay. I understand.”
We spent the next ten days fighting, bickering and then coming back together before I got on my flight and left for Madrid. Was this payback for all those times I had not expressed my love in the past to former lovers? Was this karma? I don’t know.
I found myself in a state of melancholy as I walked down the terminal not knowing what was in store for us in the future. I did what was scary and lost. At least, in the sense that the outside world sees being rejected as losing.
When it comes to love, you win some, you lose some. Actually, I think you lose more than you actually win, and that’s okay too because this time at least I tried.
You visited Madrid shortly after. Not because of me, but because you had some plans to visit friends, which you had made months earlier. We spent time together while you were here and you seemed so happy to be back in the city you called “home” for so many months.
We spent days studying, laughing and kissing, but things were different now. Our connection had shifted and I realized you saw me in a different light. You wanted different things; you had a different path and so did I.
“Why did it scare you to plan a future with me, or at least try?” I wanted to say.
I asked myself this question a lot and I think I made excuses that were in your favor, but in the end, I know it’s because you weren’t ready even though you gave me the signs since the beginning. I was just blind to them because I was in love. It took me a long time to accept that.
I turned away almost every person that wanted to discover a possible future with me. I was too busy figuring out my life and myself. “Next!” I told them. Sometimes I didn’t tell them anything at all and just vanished.
Very few people actually had the chance to get close to me. If you are one of those reading this now, it’s not that I didn’t care about you. It’s just that I did not know how to appreciate a good thing when I had it staring at me in the face. I hope that you too forgive me.
We said our goodbyes once again and you left just as quickly as you had arrived. The following days were filled with anxiety and I knew we could no longer continue. I wanted more from you: a commitment, and a future.
I know you don’t like “labels” but to me they meant something. I know that during our time together you would introduce me as your “friend” and even though I didn’t mind in the moment, in the end it hurt. I didn’t want you to look at me and think “maybe,” I wanted you to look at me and say “Fuck Yes.”
It hurt to hear you cry over the phone as we broke up. I don’t think many people have seen you cry. You have such a strong exterior -thank you for letting me see your soft side. It was and still is my favorite part about you.
Time has passed and with the support of family and friends, it’s no longer as painful to think about this as it once was. I did learn a lot from this experience. They say things happen for a reason, right?
When it comes to love you can’t force someone to love you the way you want them to love you. It’s asking for the impossible. Yes, it’s scary loving someone and hoping they would love you the same way or at least to the same intensity. That does not always happen. But if you never try, you’ll never know.
I’ve had some time now to detangle my thoughts and to condense my experiences and there are a few things I want to say. Thank you for giving me a chance, thank you for saying “yes” to our first date. Thank you for putting up with me, I know I can be a pain at times, but most importantly thank you for awakening the force inside me that is ready to love again.
I wish all the best for you and hope that we both find someone that is a better match for us than we were for each other. Until next time.
Originally published at thoughtsafter3.com