In January 2020, I was setting up for one of the biggest years of my career. I had secured high stakes trips to SXSW, Los Angeles and Cannes Lions. I was designing the perfect weekend in Paris, followed by two weeks in my favorite place, the South of France. When the dominoes started to fall in early March, I watched my long awaited opportunities disintegrate. The anger and resentment I felt were only concealed by the crushing anxiety and fear that ensued with the pandemic.
I found myself in a constant state of flight, literally, between New York and Florida. Instead of mingling with industry luminaries, I was displaced. The one word that could sum up the bulk of my adulthood. I was desperately trying to hold on to my hard fought gratitude practice as the riots and unrest only grew into what used to feel like summer.
As the COVID numbers continued to spike across Florida, along with my anxiety, I decided to create my own island of safety and solitude. I started to adopt a new mindfulness through books, meditation, surrender and space. I started to write my own prompts- What do I really want? What is important? There is a distinct phase that Glennon Doyle refers to as “sinking”. I was sunk.
It was in this state that my body decided it was time to freeze my eggs. I had a consultation with a fertility specialist in New York last Fall. Why didn’t I do it then? As I scrolled back through my Instagram, the endless photos clearly answered my question. I never stopped moving. I was traveling almost every two weeks for work and pleasure. I was on set for shoots, going to dinners, basically the every day distractions we all had in life before the lockdown. I was connected to things and completely disconnected from my body and the precious gift of time.
Never did I think I would be trading in St.Tropez for nesting with self-imposed shots of hormones. This pandemic has allowed for a rare reconnection of my mind and body that wouldn’t have been possible without the shocking stillness. I have this newfound trust and confidence in my body. The IVF process is tedious and full of uncertainty. The remainder of this year feels exactly the same. My best advice is to see what surprises you may find in this rare moment of stillness.