Since I’ve known myself, I had a thing about love and not feeling it from certain people in my life.
That’s why I was looking for something to fill that void. I chased feelings, emotions, I chased people.
I moved to a new country every year and started over. I was looking for the love I deserved. I thought I deserved. And all I found was a shitty excuse.
All I found was disappointment.
All I found was regret.
There was a hole as big as Texas in my heart and nothing helped.
I kept sticking people down there, feeling it up till there was no space, closing the door and looking if it burst and the people run away and never look back.
Those people didn’t know.
They didn’t know that I was a real deal, they didn’t realize that I was a human being looking for something real. They treated me exactly how I taught them to.
The way I treated myself back then.
I was worthless to myself.
When you don’t love yourself – it shows.
When you don’t love yourself – you let people treat you like shit. And that says it all.
They know they can do that – so that’s exactly what they do.
They use you because you let them.
You’d think they are to blame but to my biggest regret, it’s you, it’s me who is to blame.
We are at fault.
Friendships were also short-term. Irrelevant. Fake.
Unfortunately, I haven’t had a real-ass friend for a while.
My boyfriend and I broke up and I realized that I didn’t need anyone but me.
I realized I had it all in me and didn’t need anyone to tell me how great I was.
I needed someone to support me and be there no matter what.
I didn’t need some man who would only play a cameo in my life.
I needed a real-ass friend.
The one I never had.
Someone as real and as human as me and yet someone who’d love me no matter what and support me no matter what crazy shit I’ve done this time.
I don’t need a lover or a boyfriend. Those come and go and come again.
What I need is time to rest, to heal and someone to watch “The Bold Type” with. And laugh like there’s no tomorrow and talk bullshit till it’s 3 in the morning.
I need a real-ass friend who’d know to bring me cake with candles on my birthday.
A friend who knows what book I’m obsessing about now and a friend who’d know how to talk me through my anxiety attacks, a friend who’d talk me out of going on a date with a guy I don’t want to be with long-term, a friend who’d share my faith in God and a friend who’d scold me when I curse.
I need someone who’d stay no matter how annoying and insecure I am. I need someone who’d understand exactly how it is.
And I’m very lucky to have that.
Lucky to fight with her and lucky to have her there no matter what.
Lucky to share the same beliefs and same book obsession.
I don’t want a lover or a husband. All I need now, I have.
A real-ass friend anyone would be happy to have.
Originally published at thoughtcatalog.com