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I Didn’t Know

How the quarantine has awakened unsuspecting voices within me

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Photo courtesy of Kyle Ellefson, Unsplash

I don’t believe in accidents, and I don’t believe that this pandemic is one. I believe that we, as human “not-so” kind, have orchestrated it with our thoughts, words and deeds. I have been a producer and author in the inspirational world for two decades, and throughout my career, many of the authors that I worked with have been prefacing the imminence of this moment for quite some time. I believe that at this time, we are being called to make a choice between panic and fear or faith and trust. We are literally at a tipping point where the choices that we each make will ultimately affect the entire world. 

Throughout the past several weeks I have found myself vacillating from feelings of constricting fear and scarcity to celebratory expressions of liberation and deep connection. One of the greatest gifts I have received from this pandemic is time to be with my feelings, express them freely and allow them to move through me. In doing so, I know that after years and years of repressing them, they are finally being healed.

In my busy-ness I chose to ignore them. I’ve just finished submitting the second of two manuscripts I have been working on for the past year to my publisher. At the same time, I just finished touring my solo show and started a new emotional intelligence program for pre-school children. Constant to-do lists and crazy busy-ness have been all I have known for as long as I can remember. I have felt overwhelmed and exhausted. 

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I don’t need my scheduler. I can rest easy, knowing that there are no unaccomplished tasks chasing me. This liberation is foreign, but really delicious! As I sit in emptied silence, creative ideas bubble up from my subconscious, and the voice of my soul finally has a platform to be heard, expressed and shared. Today, I discovered that I didn’t know…

I DIDN’T KNOW…

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When roads are bare, schools doors are closed and aisles are empty.

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When a distant wave from a neighbor would mean so much.

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When my life can be threatened just by dropping in to grab a jug of milk.

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When social media would be my greatest friend.

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When cleared closets upheaves buried treasures of plenty!

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When wonderful friends from long ago reach out and re-connect.

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When political bickering plays second in the media to endangered lives.

 I didn’t know this day would come…

            When my scheduler is not needed and quiet solitude is mine.

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When I honor grocery staff and trash collectors as selfless heroes.

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When the Himalayan’s re-emerge and the sun peaks thru smog-less skies.

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When my emotions surface with no busy-ness to shield unresolved pain.

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When I have time to get on my knees and soil my hands in gardening splendor.

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When talents are shared and hope restored in priceless, costless virtual communities.

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When I deeply treasure the quiet, slowed time that Mother Nature has gifted me.

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When parties are canceled, doors are closed and celebrations are paraded.

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When I take the necessary time to really wash my hands – A, B, C, D…

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When I bake the stack my frozen pies and empty my shelves of my stockpiles of old.

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When presence beckons me to “be”, and plans for tomorrow don’t carry much weight.

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When I quiet enough to allow creativity to open her wings and fly through me.

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When I’m making the choice – will my playmates be panic and fear or faith and trust?

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When feelings are churned, tears fall freely and dancing in solitude is my lifeline.

I didn’t know this day would come…

            When deepest gratitude for the glorious life I’ve led is felt more than ever.

I didn’t know this day would come…

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