“Can we do it now?” I texted with excitement and anticipation waiting to get the green light to do FaceTime with my favorite person in the world who happens to be 3 years old.
The text I got in return was, “In a half an hour”, I made sure to make note of what time that would be and pulled out ‘Betsy’ a puppet that I use when I make videos for her.
My stomach was full of butterflies with excitement as I waited for the half hour to pass.
At the half hour mark, I texted, “Can we do it now?”
At the hour mark, I tried calling,
At the hour and a half mark, I texted, “Bummer”
By that point I had to start my day.
I was devastated.
I found myself with this person, over and over and over again not following through on what they say they are going to do.
Because we are hard wired to ‘make meaning’ of things, I ‘made meaning’ of the lack of response.
I made this incident mean that I wasn’t important enough to these people, that they didn’t care about my feelings and didn’t respect my time. The meaning I attached to this scenario felt deep and true.
But how did I know that all to be true?
The truth is, I didn’t.
I was merely an interpretation that I was making because I felt so deeply hurt.
Here are some other interpretations I could have made:
They probably just got caught up in their day.
They got distracted by something else.
Something unexpected happened and they couldn’t respond to me on time.
The most important thing to remember when we are triggered is to not take things personally. As a coach, even though I have all the tools to deal with intense emotion, my knee jerk reaction is to take things personally when I am hurt. I did find my way back to a place of peace of mind and I will share how I did it below.
It’s important to honor those feelings of being hurt and equally important to move through them. There is a balance that takes place Of allowing to feel what we need to feel but to move through those feelings and not get stuck there. I think when we are in a place of hurt, it feels as though we will stay there longer than we would like, but we need to have the perspective that we need to move the energy through our body.
Before I share with you how to move through situations where you have felt hurt by someone, I want to say that some would say that we make the choice to be hurt, and on some level that is true.
Eleanor Roosevelt says that. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
But the truth of the matter is that we are human. And we get hurt. The key is to get right back on the horse.
When you are hurt, you have been triggered by something and it’s likely that your expectations for an outcome were not met.
When you are triggered repeatedly by someone, here are some things to consider:
Their values and model of reality (the way they perceive and function in the world) do not align with yours.
If integrity is one of your top values then you’re not going to understand or jive with people who don’t keep their word. It’s like two ships that pass in the night in the world of values.
It’s time to re-evaluate and readjust your expectations of your relationship with this person.
If you find that you are investing time, energy, heart and soul into a relationship and it’s not honored, appreciated or reciprocated (relationships are a two way street) then it may be a good time to set up boundaries and get clear on how you are going to behave moving forward. Maybe the person is not as invested in the relationship as much as you are and that’s ok, but you need to make changes that honor who you are, especially if you find yourself in a pattern of feeling hurt.
Sever the relationship entirely.
Some people would say that your job is to continue to be triggered until you are no longer triggered. And to a certain extent this is true, but I would have a different approach (which I will get to in a minute).
Imagine sitting next to a person who is banging a hammer on the table next to you over and over and over, you can practice not having it trigger you, which would be a long and tortuous process OR you can just leave the room and find peace. If you are continually triggered by a relationship and it doesn’t feel right, then it’s time to listen to your intuition and move on. Your intuition is never wrong and is your greatest guide.
It is important to look at situations or patterns that trigger you, because triggers are teaching you what you need to heal deep within yourself. What issues are surfacing for you? Abandonment? Rejection? Unworthiness? Triggers are your guide to healing, so it’s important to get clarity on what needs to be healed by cultivating self awareness.
You can start with loving and nurturing those parts of yourself the way that you would want someone else to.
You are worthy of being seen and celebrated for the amazing person that you are in your relationships, but keep in mind, your sense of worthiness starts with you.
You don’t need anyone’s validation to feel worthy, you were born worthy.
You teach people how to treat you.
That being said, this is the most important thing you must do when you are hurt by someone…
If you don’t forgive them, you will be harboring anger and resentment and those feelings will come up and possibly be directed to someone in the future who had nothing to do with their origin. On an energetic level, they will create blocks and blocks cause restriction and contraction. If you are blocked energetically you prevent new people from coming in your life who are aligned with your values.
Forgiveness isn’t about them, it’s about you.
It’s about granting yourself the freedom from pain and resentment with grace and dignity.
It’s about honoring yourself.
It’s about finding your way back to peace.
So the question remains,
How do you forgive when you’ve been hurt?
This is a private practice, there is no need to contact the other person in order for it to be effective.
Keep in mind that this forgiveness is for YOU and YOUR releasing. When you forgive someone, it doesn’t excuse their behavior, it’s about empowering yourself:
Step 1 – Write down who do you resent? Who are you angry with? Could be anyone, people from your past or who are currently in your life. Make a list if needed.
Step 2- Go through your list person by person. Journal deep into your thoughts about the situation and ask, What did I make it mean? About them? About myself?
Step 3- What part of me is calling to be healed? How can I begin to heal and love that part of myself?
Step 4 – Ask yourself what feelings, thoughts, and patterns do I want to release and forgive to allow more positive loving flow through my heart?
Step 5 – Find peace in your heart, speak from your heart with grace and sincerity and forgive each person, saying 3-5 times,
I forgive you, I love you, I thank you.
Love is the most powerful vibration you can give out into the universe, only good will flow back to you by saying, I love you.
Saying ‘thank you’ is because you most definitely gained something positive about yourself. You might want to ask, What did I learn from this situation?About myself? About the other person involved? About the relationship? Clarity is power.
Repeat number 5 until you can feel a spaciousness of love and compassion, whether it’s one time or several, whatever it takes.
If you don’t face your feelings head on, they will continue to hold you back from having the relationships that you truly want in your life.