Being victimized hurts… bad. It can cause fear, anger, and sadness among other things. Feeling vulnerable, betrayed, stupid for trusting someone, or ashamed for not knowing better, beats you up and lowers your confidence. The tricky part is, you need confidence to stop being a victim.
You may talk about what happened to get support, or swap victim stories so you know you’re not alone. You may be someone who withdraws and doesn’t tell anyone. Your personality style determines how you handle these things. While either way of coping may help you feel better temporarily, this new perspective to understand why attacks happen will help you stay safer permanently.
Let’s say you feel completely out of control of your life, powerless, not knowing which way to turn or what’s going to happen. It’s terrifying, isn’t it?
In that moment you have a choice…
There are several ways to respond positively. Ask for help or support or learn something new to gain insight and confidence about your future. You can breathe deeply, relax, pray, journal, or meditate. Follow your intuition about what to do next to gain confidence to stop being a victim of life.
Then there is the negative response that is quick and easy with instant results. You can control someone else by making them do something or feel a certain way against their will.
This perspective shows you the attack is not about you but about control. You just happen to fit their victim profile at the time. It will increase your confidence to stop being a victim.
A four-year-old pushing her little brother. A teen spreading nasty rumors. Your coworker claiming credit for your work. A friend belittling you. Your spouse giving you the silent treatment. Or a rapist or murderer. They all have ONE thing in common. They are in the attacker mindset.
In a nutshell, an “attacker” is someone who feels out of control of their life and chooses to control someone else to feel powerful again. They look for someone who appears vulnerable (and weaker than they FEEL), as their next victim.
And that is exactly why using confidence to stop being a victim works.
Attacking is a short-lived high just like a drug fix because we were not created to get lasting benefit from negative behavior. So those who choose to attack others in whatever small or large way, find they soon feel weak and insecure again and need another power fix.
At any time, they can choose to respond in a more positive manner, but if they feel weak and desperate, oftentimes, whatever way they got their fix is the same thing they choose to do because it worked before and it can become a habit.
Attackers are not looking for a fight, they are looking for a win, dominance. If they lose a fight, their already low self-esteem is further reduced, so they only pick fights they think they can win, and easy targets. They look for someone who looks weaker than they feel inside.
Someone who looks confident also looks like they have their life together. It’s okay if you don’t have it all together, everyone has ups and downs in that area. You just need to look the part for the time being. It’s necessary to ultimately become truly confident rather than pretending. Acting like you are something you are not is exhausting and you can’t keep it up indefinitely.
Powerful people take up space, and confident people are powerful. There’s a saying, “The world steps aside for the woman who knows where she’s going.” When you are walking, swing your arms, keep your head up, put your shoulders back, and look around. Walk and stand, and even sit with purpose. Look like you know where you are going even if you are not sure where that is. You will look strong and confident.
Someone hovering over their phone, oblivious to their surroundings, looks weak and vulnerable. Attackers are excellent at reading body language. They love cell phones for that very reason! They instantly create distracted people, perfect to prey upon for a power fix.
You may have had a tough day, but if you want it to get better, put a smile on your face. The energy you project when you smile draws positive people and opportunities toward you and repels everything negative. Negative people may not run screaming from you, but they are much less likely to mess with you. As you can imagine, someone with negative energy from a lousy day looks weak and vulnerable, worn out, fed up, already partially beat up.
Beware if you are in “fierce” or “diva” mode. Those are both born of fear and anger. There is a proving “I’ll show YOU!” energy that emanates from them, which is anything but positive! Those women very often attract exactly what they don’t want by being angry at it. When you use confidence to stop being a victim, it is the opposite of forceful energy and much more effective.
Eye contact and a smile is great with people who feel safe or positive. If you get a creepy feeling from someone, have a pleasant look on your face and look them over casually (you’re not “checking them out”) without making eye contact. Eye contact can be perceived as a challenge. Smiling can be seen as an invitation to approach. A neutral facial expression is best.
People in “attacker mindset” need to feel significant and connected (just like you and I do). If you acknowledge their presence they will feel “seen” and like they matter. Most people ignore them or give a dirty look or look scared (hello, perfect victim). They will feel better about themselves for a moment because of YOU. This makes you their buddy for a split second and that’s all you need to be different and show yourself as confident. They would not attack someone who makes them feel good about them self since that is what they are ultimately looking for.
The only reason someone attacks is feeling insecure. If you are hanging out online or offline with catty, snotty, insecure women, eventually, you are probably going to be the victim at some point. You may be shunned, bullied, gossiped about, tricked, stolen from, belittled, sabotaged, or lied to.
Healthy boundaries and paying attention to how you feel about yourself when you are around other people is VITAL. Your safety – mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically – depends on noticing how you feel about YOU.
Sound selfish? Nope. You must take good care of yourself before you can be at your best for those you love, successful in your work or career, relationships, etc. The world is full to the brim of insecure people fighting daily to find someone else to fill them up and make them happy and that’s not how it works. Never has been, never will be.
You can use confidence to stop being a victim with your confident body language but that will only work temporarily. If your underlying energy is negative, you have a problem.
If you are fearful from past experiences, angry from being betrayed, guilty from mistreating someone, or sad from the loss of a loved one, it shows in your body language and you look weak. And people who look weak or insecure appear as perfect victims to an attacker. Vulnerability magnetizes attackers, whether someone you know or a stranger.
When I was raped on a date in my 20’s, the statistic was rape “victims” have an 80% chance of being raped again within two years by someone else. It happened to me. And then I learned how to feel like a survivor on the inside and gained confidence to stop being a victim. There was no longer a big “V” (for victim) on my forehead that attackers could see from a mile away.
I could see the subconscious “V” on many foreheads of my audience members when I taught personal safety and self-defense for 12 years (after I healed). I could pick victims out of a crowd in a heartbeat, just like attackers can. And that’s why some people are victimized repeatedly throughout their life. The negative energy of attacks literally attracts more.
I went to an American Indian medicine man and one hour of hypnosis released two and a half years of rape and domestic violence from my subconscious mind and underlying energy. I felt clear and confident and was no longer seen as a potential victim by would-be attackers. I’ve never experienced any drama, trauma, nightmares, or painful memories about the rapes or violence.
The results were so powerful for me that I show other women how to clear emotional baggage to get a fresh start with a clear head and an open heart.
To use confidence to stop being a victim, keep up that smile and those confident swinging arms and look around as you walk. Know that if you have been victimized your underlying energy does show up as weakness. That will happen until it is fully released from many generations back (not just from your childhood or personal experience). And establish and enforce healthy boundaries (2-step process) around how you want to be treated and behave in a way that warrants the treatment you desire. In other words, if you want to be treated with courtesy and respect, be courteous, respectful and respectable. Respect is earned not given.