We begin by airing out doubts.
No, your friends are not pairing up when on a walk to purposefully leave you to walk a step behind by yourself. No, your significant other is not dating you because he or she is planning to reveal your intimate secrets to his or her friends over drinks. No, your family does not think you’re ungrateful despite the tantrums you’ve pulled. Keep this in mind throughout the article, okay?
As divisive as the ending of How I Met Your Mother was, it had its great moments. One such moment is when Stella (the character background isn’t important here) tells Ted that he gave her a reason not to trust him all the way. To which, Ted asks “Did I give you a reason or were you looking for one?”
This dynamic is familiar to anyone who’s felt insecure in a relationship. There is fear and doubt on your side, but there’s frustration and confusion on their side, too. There’s pain, too.
Relationship insecurity, and letting it fester, is the quickest way to let a good thing erode. Even if the relationship is mended, you would then wonder how long it’ll take before they get tired of you. You will then wonder how much more they can forgive you.
This results in a cycle of hurting and mending until the relationship snaps. Or — a greater alternative — until you learn how to get ahead of your own insecurity and beat it back. To do so, you’ll need:
Yes, this is going to be a cheesy checklist. No, there is nothing to apologize for.
You’ll only invest in something that has value, right? If so, then take stock of yourself. Recognize the great things about your friends and partner, but find some value in yourself, too. In the first place, they wouldn’t stay with you and make the effort to reassure you if they didn’t like you, right?
When you do try to look for your own value, don’t be mean to yourself. You can have people you look up to as a standard, but don’t compare yourself unjustly. For example, don’t think badly of yourself when you can’t cook as well as your friend, especially if you don’t really cook at all. That’s just asking for trouble.
Rather than constantly asking for reassurance, you can give people reassurance instead. Tell people you love them. Give them a hug. Pay them an unexpected compliment. Do this with a sincere smile on your face, and you’ll be surprised. You’ll create an open line between you and your relationships. Communicating affection would then be the easiest and most natural thing to do.
Reassuring love is only tiring when there is no reciprocation. So, whatever gestures you think you need to feel secure in a relationship, practice them too.
No matter the strength of love in any relationship, seeing each other constantly can be draining. No matter what. Don’t start going into overdrive worrying and wondering, “Are they sick of me?” It happens sometimes and people need a restart.
Take time to take care of yourself. Find something satisfying you could do outside of your relationship. In this manner, you’ll retain your sense of identity and independence. Maintaining relationships takes effort, so you have to be in the best shape for it. Devote time for your self-improvement.
Sometimes we feel insecure when we’re not invited to hang out. This is a rational reaction, but stubbornly waiting for an invite and getting sad every time is not. People won’t know what you’re up to if you don’t tell them. For all you know, they thought you were busy or disinterested. Rather than wait for an invite, you can pick up your phone and arrange plans with them yourself. Even if it doesn’t push through, at least they’ll know you might be available for next time.
Learn to be proactive in your relationships.
The hardest thing is finally opening up about uncomfortable issues. Bringing these topics to light might cause tension in your relationships, but it will make interactions easier in the long-term. Getting over an obstacle together and being in a situation where you’re open, honest, and vulnerable to one another will bring you closer to those you cherish.
You need to start trusting your ability to take care of yourself. As difficult as it is to accept, sometimes a relationship can’t be salvaged. Sometimes it just reaches its natural end despite efforts on your part to keep it going.
This is okay. This is normal. What you need to learn to feel secure is to find security in yourself.
You’re your constant. You’ll be the one taking care of yourself. You’re the one you can depend on the most.
So, take very good care of yourself and love yourself as the whole individual you are.