I always find myself in an argument to realize it was pointless…Arguments never resolve any issues, instead they escalate the problem and drain both partners’ energies. Luckily, I’ve never encountered an argument with my mother or brother. My mother was very intelligent and had profound communication skills. She taught me the secrets of having a healthy relationship.
A healthy relationship grants both parties the ability to communicate without overpowering each other. When I’m being triggered I recognize that I am getting sucked into a ‘vampiristic energy dance’. If I’m able to stop and interrupt the pattern, that is a big success in itself. Others might be unconsciously pushing my buttons and my job is to find out what my triggers are so I am self aware enough and can avoid going into a frenzy.
Tell the person whom you’re having a conversation with at least three things that support their point of view because it demonstrates understanding and the ability to relate to them. This will decrease tension and promote compassion which helps individuals transmute negative emotion such as anger into love. Have the other person name 3 things that contribute to your point of view. You might even realize that you are on the same page but trying to express it in different ways.
Listen not to respond but to hear. I always learn something new when I’m open to hearing the person.
Give up on the desire to be right. That is a big one, I know I am 100% sure I am always right. Would I rather have a loving relationship or be “right” and alone?
Get out of your head and get into your heart. My heart knows best. I get to immediately rise upon the problem at hand and see the solution clearly when I cool off. Don’t let your emotions dictate your behavior. Be commitment driven. In this case, – commitment to a healthy and understanding relationship.
Do not make assumptions. Humans are lean mean meaning making machines! Assumptions can result in attaching negative interpretations to absolutely innocent phrases and actions. It takes extra effort not to interpret an event as a negative one. Save the argument and don’t make negative stories about the events in your head. I tend to forget I’ve made them up and end up treating those stories as facts later on.
Get into an empowering state of being for you. For me it is open, vulnerable and connected, it will rub off on your partner.