Ernest Hemingway said: “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” I really love this sentence and it is very true, but often it is easier said than done. Especially in a relationship. We are all interested to know who that text was from, why they are smiling when looking at their phone, are they telling the truth, etc. Have you seen the movie Perfect strangers? We live in a cheating world. Marriages don’t matter, let alone relationships. Nothing is as it seems…
We start dating and as we fall further and further for our partner many worries start coming out. Our brain sometimes just can’t stop the negative and paranoid thoughts. Everything and everyone is suspicious and you are paying attention to every single detail in your relationship in order to see what they are hiding or not telling you. You check social media too often and you are investigating everything that might give you some clue.
We all feel like this sometimes and it is normal, but if this feeling never goes away, it becomes a serious problem. The first step is to recognize it. Then you can start working on it. You want to feel good – about yourself, your partner and your relationship. You don’t need negative, paranoid thoughts full of worry.
Have you heard the saying that your thoughts can become a self-fulfilling prophecy? Beware of that, because your thoughts influence your behavior and you might be unconsciously behaving in a way that leads your partner away from you.
Here are a few ways how to get those negative thoughts full of jealousy out of your mind, to calm yourself down and not destroy your own relationship:
1. “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote: “No man, for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.” No one can live two different lives without anyone noticing. Decide to trust them… and stick to that. If something is not right – you will find out soon.
Yes, I know this sounds very easy and it is not, especially if something is very “suspicious” to you (which might be only in your head… but still, you live in it), which is why next few pieces of advice might help:
2. Embrace the thought that all people are free
It doesn’t matter if they are single, in a relationship or married – we are all free. No one is unbreakably connected to you. Nothing is guaranteed. No signature, no deal or promise can make a relationship last forever. People change, deals and promises get broken – that is life. You are now wondering how can this help you? Well, embracing and acknowledging this thought as truth can be very liberating.
Have in mind that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, how much you worry or how great detective you can be, there is no way you can make anyone stay with you if they don’t want to.
They are free to go, but they are also free to stay and be with you if that is what you both wish. Never try to take anyone’s freedom away because that is not possible. If they want to go, let them. Make peace with this thought and everything will be easier. You don’t need someone who doesn’t want to be with you and who is not willing to show it and treat you the way you deserve.
3. Start thinking differently, and you will behave differently
Furthermore, when you make peace with the thought that all people are free, you will behave differently. Your behavior will not be a behavior of a scary person who is terrified to lose someone and therefore is willing to do everything for them just to keep them by your side (this behavior tend to be seen as pathetic and not so appealing to men).
By embracing this way of thinking, you become more self-confident, which is automatically more attractive. You are sending the message: I want to be with you but only as long as you want to be with me too. I do not desperately need you. If you choose to leave me, I will be sad, but I will understand, and I will let you go. I do not own you; you do not own me. We are together because we decided to be. I only own myself and I am in control of myself.
The next step can help you with this:
4. “If you are afraid to lose someone, learn how to free yourself from it.”
I do not remember where I found this quote but it is very true. Do an exercise – ask yourself what is the worst thing that can happen? What are you afraid of in this relationship? Then imagine that it happened. You broke up with your partner, you divorced, you went separate ways, you parted, they cheated, they lied, they did something to hurt you. Go through all the sadness and negative feelings… Yes, it might seem very sad, lonely, scary, bad. Yes, your life will be different. But, do you know what else is true? We, as humans, are made to be able to adapt to changes.
You will find out that your life must go on. If someone does something bad to you – you don’t need this person. You only want people who treat you the way you deserve, and you should not settle for less. Therefore, if some scenario from your paranoid thoughts came to life – great! You will know that your partner is not the person you should be with. Thank them for making you realize that.
Remember this harsh but liberating truth: The only person you are guaranteed to be with your whole life is – yourself. You better make sure you are a good company to be with.
Having that in mind, check out the next advice:
5. Focus on yourself
It might sound weird but if you want to make sure your partner/husband/boyfriend stays with you, you should focus on – yourself.
People love to be in the company of happy, fun, successful people, people who have a passion, a hobby, who have many things to talk about, who have interesting stories and experiences to share. If you are a constantly worried person, living in a dark world of jealousy, pretending to be Sherlock Holmes and spending time thinking more about where your partner is and what they are doing, you have none of the above-mentioned qualities.
Invest in yourself, read books, go on a short trip with your friends, start running or playing some sport, do something you enjoy doing and make yourself happy. Be a person you would like to meet and enjoy spending time with.
Only happy people can share happiness, only people that love themselves can love others in a healthy way. Give yourself everything you wish someone else should give you. Nobody owes you anything – you owe it to yourself to be the best possible version of yourself!
Only allow positive thoughts of happiness, success, wealth, abundance, love and compassion to inhabit your head – because what you think – you become.