I was looking at my most popular YouTube videos and I started to see a pattern. The more popular ones are the ones addressing the abuser and what they are doing, wondering: Do they miss me? Are they hurting? What are they doing? Did they really mean it? How could they do this? Why are they so happy? How can they move on so quickly? AND the biggest ones Did they really love me? Was this all a lie?
The reason you have been left with these questions and have these feelings is that they consumed your life. They created bonds that were so strong and you are missing them so much you can’t move on. You are hoping for closure, something you may never get and you have to create yourself. And because you were told you were the only person who ever understood them you struggle to understand how they can just walk away, you want to know if they are in as much pain as you are, they should be, shouldn’t they?
When you discover this world and start to understand your relationship could possibly have been with a Narcissists, Emotional abuser or Toxic person, you may expect instant closure. But sadly just because you have connected the dots and have made this discovery, it does not offer instant healing. The bonds they created penetrated deep and you need to untangle from them gently.
They will never take responsibility for their actions and you won’t officially know the truth as they would need to be diagnosed. They don’t see anything wrong with their behaviour so they are not going to do that. The bonds they created were one-sided you bonded with them, they don’t bond with you.
- defeat or get the better of (someone) by being clever or cunning.
7 steps you can you take to outsmart the narcissist.
NEVER EVER try and use the techniques the narcissist uses against them – you will get hurt.
- Heal Yourself • During the relationship you experienced abuse that only now, you will start to discover and understand how deep it runs. People who have never experienced this type of abuse will never understand what you have been through. It is a very particular type of hurt, which penetrates every layer of your being. There is a pain that emanates deep from with your soul, coursing through your veins, leaving you feeling that your heart has frozen and your trust in any human has been destroyed. Do not engage with your abuser, disappear like a wounded animal, run away and lick your wounds. Do not put a time on your healing. Allow yourself time to understand what happened, put a limit on that otherwise you may go down a rabbit hole and never come out. Which makes you not only are you hurt also lost… Once you take the step to heal, also commit to look further than this relationship and understand why part of you allowed this to happen.
- Don’t react • Going ‘no contact’ will help you hugely, you may remember the peace you experienced when the relationship first ended, going ‘no contact’ will bring that peace. What might not be clear at the moment is how much their actions and the game they play will ultimately, help you heal. If you can’t do the ‘no contact’ use the grey rock method. Any communication you receive step back and don’t react. If you can ask someone to read your emails, letters, text messages and any form of communication from the do. When you are still in the state of hyper-alert it is so easy to see things that are there or aren’t there. It is easy to be drawn into situations through fear. Fear is a huge emotion, and so many other emotions stem from it. This fear may come from the relationship and not understanding how you will cope or live without them, they had put themselves in a place of power and control and they possibly told you how lucky you were to have them in your life….
- Fire Fighting • They may try to attack you personally about things you do or how you behave, it might be on your appearance and they may use techniques like triangulation to compare you to other people in their life. Use the technique STOP DROP ROLL. If you were on fire you would be told to stop where you are, to drop on the floor and to roll either in something or on the floor to smother the flames. Use the technique to protect yourself. STOP, if you received a message or some form of communication, do not press the reply button. Close the message and tell yourself you will respond later. DROP into the emotion, feel where it is in your body. Roll, rather than smothering the emotions, acknowledge them and where they are coming from, this will help with your recovery. Roll the emotion around inside you or your memory, find out where the emotion comes from. Once you feel your response is not going to be through an emotion, then respond. You can do this face to face as well if a verbal attack comes your way, STOP, DROP into the emotion and ROLL it off you, don’t respond.
- Mind the Gap • They are very fragile and insecure people, and they use other people to fill their hole. They are like vampires sucking the life force our of others and topping up their missing parts. They don’t know who they really are so they wear a mask pretending to be someone else, pretending to be the person they believe you are looking for in a partner. They blame-shift, it wasn’t them and they project their incomplete or missing parts on to you saying you have a problem. Stop and ask yourself if this is true.
- Disengage • Find ways to disengage from their power games. During your relationship, you may have heard them speak about other relationships and they were always the victim. You possibly sympathised with them and gave them the attention they were looking for. All they need is attention and they don’t care if it is good or bad it is attention. They need for attention in the same way a vampire needs blood to survive.
- Refuse to play • This is a game, and the bigger, the higher, the deeper your boundaries were, increased the challenge for them. The challenge is to see how far they can push you before you fall, to see how far you will go to protect the relationship, what and who you will give up for them to prove how much you love them because they can’t love themselves. In fact, they have don’t have any empathy so they are unable to form any emotional attachment, but they are good actors and they can fake it. This game has interchangeable rules if they believe you have understood them they change them for their pleasure. Even at the end of the relationship they still want to play, just to prove how much power they still have over you
- Listen to your body • Learn what you need. You very possibly are experiencing some trauma in your body and a lot of fear. You were told you couldn’t live without them or what an amazing person they are and how lucky you were to have them in your life. From the moment they held your hand as you stepped up on to the pedestal they presented to you, they had been playing a game. This is your time to understand what techniques work best for your healing. Meditation, deep breathing, visualisation techniques, reducing the emotional triggers and stress.
You are an amazing person and that is why you were targeted, you had something they needed, one of their missing pieces but rather than healing themselves they steal from others and they did the same with you. You now need to protect yourself, heal your wounds and protect your energy. There is a gift and that gift is showing you the wounds that needed to be healed so you can finally feel complete, something they will never be able to do or feel.