To survive a divorce, you must get rid of the “victim complex”
For a man, divorce, betrayal, betrayal is almost always an unexpected moment. Suddenly, it turns out that a loved one lived some kind of life. Each of the two lived his own life. One lived in the world of illusions, imagining that everything is clear, good, well. And the second, as it turns out unexpectedly, lived with some kind of heavy burden.
Is it possible not to notice that a person living next to you experiences some kind of complex feelings? This means that what sense organ is missing, there is no important level of intimacy. If you didn’t notice this, perhaps the relationship in your family was rather superficial. In many families, people live, not trying to know the depth of each other. Just because betrayal does not occur! One way or another, there must be some kind of soil. If you chose a person as a companion, does it mean that there are basic spiritual qualities, virtues? Apparently, you did not choose a bad person, right? Bad are not born, they become. Perhaps you just did not notice that something was not given to the person? It seems to me that very rarely do those husbands, wives, who received in the family everything they need.
Often at the moment when the second half declares us a desire for a divorce, the eyes open, and we understand what we did wrong, we feel our mistakes more acutely, we acknowledge the claims that the spouse (wife) expressed to us before. It seems to us that, realizing this, we can no longer repeat the same mistakes, that we are different, that if we manage to keep our family, life will be happier.
But even if the one who wants a divorce, admits the possibility of returning, he will hardly believe us right after many disappointments. And if the first “heart-to-heart talk” did not take place or did not lead to anything, if we want to return the husband (wife), we should try not to break contact, maintain relationships, look for the key.
The other day I had a client with a similar situation. 3 months as the wife left, and for all attempts of the spouse to return her she builds barriers: no sms, no gifts, “I decided everything”. But there is a very confusing situation. Highly! And nevertheless he continues to make all possible attempts for rapprochement. And he does the right thing.
Because the farther the distance, the more people become unaccustomed to each other. It is better to keep in touch, not to make a big pause in the relationship. Some gifts, tokens. All the time to remind the person about yourself. First of all, really, to obey. A person who did not realize his flaws, misfires, will not be able to change and change the situation. And if the one who has left allows you to communicate with him, it means that he is watching you and see that you are changing.
After all, a person’s stereotypical reaction to an insult is a retaliatory insult: closure, withdrawal into oneself. And so I strive to show the man that I was not offended. I love you anyway, even though you are so arrogant, and decided to end our relationship.
Some couples live for years in a state of uncertainty, on the verge of divorce. Still, this situation is more conducive to the “peaceful settlement” of problems than the state when one of the two is already announcing a divorce. If the word “divorce” has not yet sounded, it is necessary to take matters into your own hands and do everything possible to return love to your relationship. Since you still have the opportunity to communicate, and you can, through peaceful, diplomatic negotiations, find out amicably what prevents you both from being happy.
If the divorce has already happened, the one who left already lives with a new partner, often a new problem arises. We lack the determination to put an end to the history of our relations. But we must put this point and begin a new life. We must do everything necessary to survive the divorce. If contacts with the former spouse continue that concern us, awaken hope in us for his return, it is better to have the courage to stop these contacts.
After the cessation of communication with the former spouse, some women, especially older ones, are in a hurry to remarry, fearing to lose their attractiveness. But the soul is not yet ready for this, part of it is still in the past.
In this situation, you do not need to demand the impossible from yourself. If a large part of your life has been associated with this person, so much has been invested in him, in a matter of weeks, months, to erase a huge layer of life from yourself – this is psychologically very difficult. To take and at once to cross out after the divorce all that was good is to be a robot or some kind of “superhero”.
It will happen by itself, but not immediately. The sooner a person realizes the lessons of the incident, determines the tasks of the future life for himself, the sooner this “reanimation” will occur. In the meantime, you need to occupy yourself with something useful.
The emergence of a new relationship after a divorce is often hampered by distrust of people, which arose after the betrayal, self-doubt. On all individuals of the opposite sex is labeled, it seems that they are all “so-and-so.” Of course, it is necessary to work with these fears of yours, to part with them. If a person does not survive the pain of parting, fails to cope with it, keeps offense, then he will most likely repeat the same mistakes and meet a person with whom everything will happen again. Therefore, it is necessary to get rid of this “victim complex”.
Accept the fact that you have started a new band in your life. New life – it is always better than the old. Because we have the opportunity to part with some negative points, and the best to take with you. As some nations have a tradition to throw out old things before Christmas, so we can throw away what was the cause of our suffering, which we are used to. And go ahead with those positive moments, with the experience that we acquired in our former life. It’s like packing a backpack or suitcase before you travel. Good to take on the road. To bad not to return. And with this baggage – go ahead. With a smile.
If there are children left after the divorce, we have to do everything so that they could have the least possible trauma.
First of all, you need this frustrated, negative attitude towards your ex-spouse not to vaccinate children. For children, that mother, that father is one. We must try in every way to justify the spouse, despite the fact that at the moment he does not correspond to the good words that we speak about him.
Is it possible to somehow compensate for what the child does not receive for the soul, left without a mother or father?
Of course, it is very difficult for a woman or a man to move from one role to another, then be a father, then be a mother. It is better for a spouse left with children to take care of being a spiritually strong person. Do not be irritable, hysterical. Be calm and peaceful. Being a warm and affectionate mother, a woman can then firmly defend the foundations of the worldview that will save the child from big mistakes.
If you are a mother, you have a boy, it is usually advised to find a man who will be his authority. Or a sports trainer, or a priest in the temple, who could periodically talk with the child and show him an example of correct male behavior.
Sometimes women, falling from the age trap and afraid of being lonely, choose a new spouse, not quite adequately, regardless of the opinion of their children, not thinking about whether the new husband will be a good, loving father to her children. But can a woman be happy if her children are unhappy?
It happens the opposite. When children are already in their teens, they can be selfish and not think about the happiness of the mother. Just today I had a woman at the reception who found herself in such a situation. Once upon a time a man abandoned her, she stayed with a girl and devoted her whole life to her upbringing. In life there were a lot of difficulties. And finally, when she was about 40 years old, she met a good man who loved her, and for whom she, too, was sympathetic. And the daughter in no way wants to let this man into their family. Why should she go on about her daughter? Moreover, this woman has not yet lived for herself. That parents were sick, the daughter had to be put on his feet.
Therefore, there are different situations, there are no universal recipes. Externally, the situation may be typical, and you will know better – and a lot of significant nuances are revealed. Here in that situation, which I mentioned, a woman, in my opinion, should not reckon with the opinion of her daughter. And in another situation, on the contrary, “the mouth of the infant speaks the truth,” and this person is not worthy of you.
In conclusion, as an onlinedivorceny.com expert, I want to say one thing: always rejoice! In spite of everything, you should always go forward without fear of difficulties. Yes, the path of life is connected with the crossbearing, and it must be remembered that the cross is our victorious flag. Therefore, with this flag you need to boldly go on, forward, without looking back.