Breakups happen for so many different kinds of reasons, but the one thing that all breakups have in common is that they aren’t fun for anyone involved. In fact, they can be some of the hardest things in life that we ever have to go through.
Breakups can bring up so many different feelings. Feelings of insecurity, sadness, anger, betrayal, fear, loneliness, hopelessness, loss, confusion, relief, panic, disappointment and the pain of losing someone. One of the hardest parts about having these feelings is that the one person you want to run to in order to feel better is no longer accessible.
So how do you even begin to move on once you feel like your life is being turned upside down?
Let yourself grieve!
Life is going to feel sad for a bit and that is completely normal. It might even seem downright unbearable at times and so it is completely understandable that you would want to shut your feelings off, but it is important to remember that feelings are never permanent. Whatever you are feeling in this moment is not what you will be feeling forever, even though it may feel that way.
As a breakup coach, I think the question I get asked the most is:
“How do I just forget about my ex?”
“How do I get rid of these feelings?”
and as counter intuitive as it may seem, my response is always:
“Quit trying to.”
The more you fight your feelings, the more you continue to feed them and then it becomes really challenging to think of anything else. If you’re not careful, your feelings can consume you. Accept your feelings. Know that you’re going to be sad for a little bit, but it will pass. There are definitely things you can do to recover faster and make your breakup easier, but there isn’t a way to fast forward through to completely skip the sad parts.
One of the things that is really common while trying to deal with the aftermath of a breakup is realizing how much of an imagination you actually have. You can spend your whole entire life feeling like you don’t have any creativity or imagination, but a breakup will prove you wrong. What’s hard to recognize is that a lot of the ideas that you’re coming up with are simply just coming from limiting beliefs. When that starts to happen, it’s good to get in the habit of taking notice of your thoughts. You may find yourself going through every possible scenario of the rest of your life when you’re feeling down and it’s important that you don’t let your imagination take over.
Your overactive imagination will convince you:
That you will never find love again
That you will die old and alone
That your ex is happier than ever
That nobody will want someone over the age of (insert your age here)
That single life is the worst thing that could ever happen to you
That you’re not good enough
That you will never get over this
That you failed
and a few more crazy things…
And you know what?
Most of the crazy ideas and stories that your imagination comes up with aren’t even going to be close to true, but they sure do feel like they are at the time. When your imagination does take over, a great exercise is to try to find ways to disprove it. If you’re feeling like this is more than you can handle, my “Breakup Reset” program might be just what you need to help you move forward. If you’re interested in working together, you can book a complimentary consultation to see if we would be a good fit.
I’m not quite sure what the world population is currently at, but what I do know is, there are so many people on this planet that it would be near impossible to never find love again. That belief is pretty easy to disprove. It would also be near impossible to die alone, there are endless opportunities to meet new people. Your ex is probably having a hard time too. No matter how your relationship ended, they are still experiencing a loss too. Keep in mind that everybody processes and handles their emotions differently. If you happen to be stalking them on social media (which you might want to stop for your own sanity), keep in mind that they may look happy and like they’ve moved on, but just like you can’t erase them, they can’t simply erase you either.
When you’re feeling defeated, it’s easy to make up reasons why someone wouldn’t want you, but those reasons are nonsense too. It doesn’t matter how old, tall, short, shy, outgoing, thin, curvy, smart, nerdy, emotional, or (insert quality here), there will be someone that will love you for you. Don’t let your imagination tell you otherwise. If you’re needing a little help boosting your confidence back up, you can find some great insight in my “Navigate With Confidence” blog or “How To Build Confidence and Face Your Fears”.
As much as you may be feeling defeated after a relationship ends, it doesn’t mean that you’re a failure. Don’t beat yourself about all of the things you could have done differently. We all make mistakes and although we can’t go back in time and fix them, we can become empowered by learning from them and using them to become a better version of ourselves. Be patient and kind with yourself as you’re going through this grieving and learning process.
I promise you, you’re going to get over this even if your imagination is doing everything it possibly can to convince you otherwise. Be gentle with yourself and when those doubts start to creep in, kick them out! You don’t have to worry about what is going to happen to you six months, one year, five years, ten years, or even one week from now. Focus on just taking things one day at a time and before you know it, your feelings will lose their strength as you begin to gain yours back.
Originally published at fractalwellness.com