“Love is battlefield”, especially for those of us who often ask ourselves, “Am I too damaged to be in a relationship?” Pat Benatar may have put it perfectly.
The truth is.. You are never too damaged to be in a relationship or to be loved. You are deserving and worthy of love no matter what phase of life you are in.
More than half the battle is remaining open to receiving love.
Some say that love is easier to find at a younger age, that there are fewer options and a smaller pool of single people as one gets older. “They” say when people haven’t been hurt before they are more open to giving and receiving love. And sure, it is annoying that the older we get we can’t escape that everyone has a significant ex.
Reality check, people break up all the time, divorce is much more socially acceptable than it has ever been and the single life is appealing to more people than ever before.
The great thing about trending single life is more people can comfortably be patient as they align themselves with their divine match rather than settle for the most convenient and available breathing human.
So if you are beyond your 30’s, picking up the pieces after a significant relationship loss, and completely and totally lost in regards to romance yet still feel determined to find your life partner there is hope. This is a battle you can win.
You don’t have to be perfect to be loved
Everyone has flaws. Take yourself off the hook. Stop defining yourself by your flaws pointing at them as the reason you aren’t lovable.
If you think some emotional PTSD from childhood trauma or an abusive relationship is going to stop people from wanting to date you that just isn’t true.
If you are concerned that there is something about you that is too damaged, broken, or not enough you can release that right now because being imperfect and flawed is being human. And humans love each other.
When it comes to finding love after a divorce or major break up, one of the best ways to be open is to be playful.
Creativity, joy and play are necessary for overall wellness.
As children, we understand this and are given permission to hold these values. As adults, we are conditioned to believe that it’s all about work. Getting up early, commuting to work, making money, and paying taxes until we die. It’s no wonder this societal model makes it so hard to leave our hearts open to finding love.
Think about your experiences finding love as a teenager, a college student, or in your early 20’s. Sure you had responsibilities on your mind to some degree. But your sense of play was more pronounced. When was the last time you found joy in the simple pleasure of creativity for creativity’s sake?
While we are young, we are in self-exploration mode. This mode doesn’t have to end just because we are settled in a career with benefits and a 401K. In fact, if this is an accurate description of your life that is even more reason to stay in a playful self-exploration mode.
Ways to stay open, playful, and creative as working adults…
1. Commit to the hobby that brings you the most joy
This not only brings out your playful side but gives you an opportunity to meet and connect with those who have similar interests. Committing to your favorite hobby is also a confidence builder.
When you master something you love it gives you a different aura. People will find this attractive.
2. Join a team sports
Exercise does the body good! Playing sports for fun is a great way to meet friends. Engaging with people through physical activity is a great way to bond and connect. You’ll be building muscles and stamina, which is good for relationships for obvious reasons while having fun and opening yourself up to meeting new people.
Even if you don’t connect with anyone you play with directly, you may end up connecting with a teammate’s friend that comes to the game.
3. Have a creative outlet
You may be hearing a theme here… Creativity… it’s an essential component of overall wellness. And overall wellness puts us in the vibration of love.
It gets us out of our heads and into the energy of giving and receiving pleasure. It gets us in the flow rather than remaining stagnant. The creative flow connects to the flow of pleasure, which helps us build relationships.
4. Go to social gatherings and getting out into the world
This increases your chances of finding love and overcoming the fear that you are too damaged to be loved. Meeting more people means meeting more people who are looking for someone just like you.
The more you put yourself out there the more you see there are people who are interested in you, who are attracted to you, and who are interested in and see different things in you that you have been wanting people to see. This is also a confidence builder because you realize you have options. Dating apps can also have the safe effect.
Laughter is the best medicine. It releases energy and creates energetic flow. It relieves us of depression. Watch funny movies or tv shows. Connecting with potential partners over a mutual sense of humor is wildly intoxicating.
Spending time on your own taste in humor and connecting with like-minded individuals can be a great way to get over the fear of being too damaged for love. Humor is actually a great way to connect over a shared pain or series of damaging experiences in a way that is light-hearted and playful.
6. Don’t take yourself too seriously
It can be disorienting and very vulnerable to have someone we admire and are attracted to see us naked literally and metaphorically. When our flaws and problematic patterns come up it can bring out the worst in us.
If the thought of this is too much for you maybe there’s some work on the self to do before you are ready to bear your soul to another. Self-acceptance is key to overcoming the fear of being too damaged to be loved.
7. Host a board game night for your friend or family
If the community isn’t a big part of your life, create it! Bring people from different parts of your life together. Get comfortable hosting people in your home and socialize. If you aren’t comfortable spending time with your friends at home or in an intimate setting, how can you feel comfortable with a lover? Allow your current friends in a little bit more.
If you feel too damaged for love this could be an extension of or extended to feeling not good enough for people, places, and things in general. Open up that heart chakra.
8. List your favorite childhood activities, relive them as an adult
Relearn to play. If you loved video games as kid, take yourself and a friend to an arcade. Go to an amusement park or the adult version of that, perhaps a museum you’ve been wanting to check out?
Take that sky diving adventure you’ve been wanting to take? List what gave you joy as a child and then make it a priority in your calendar to do the grown-up version!
That way when someone asks what you do for fun you have an answer ready and more than likely an interesting story! This makes socializing way easier, increasing your confidence, and opens you up to meeting someone special.
9. Connect with animals
Connecting with animals brings us into that childlike state of mind that opens us up to the possibilities of love and creativity without the jaded adult barriers. Animals bring loving energy to your life and like attracts like!
10. Spend time with children
There is something about spending time with kids that brings us grown-ups into the present moment. Playing imagination games, coloring, being with someone who simply happy to just be with you is so healing and brings us back into that space.
When we can get into that space on our own often, we can tap into our own romantic energy and then feel it with another.
11. Play dress up every day
Kids know how important is to play dress up and how an outfit can change your whole mood and transport you to a different place. What some adults forget is that clothes really do matter. This doesn’t mean you have to wear the most expensive clothes. It just means you have to dress in clothes that make you feel good.
Take pride in your appearance. It does so much for your energy and confidence. When people notice you it’s not necessarily because of what you are wearing, it’s because of how your clothes make you feel.
When we connect with our bodies with movement it creates major shifts in our life. It attracts abundance and it can attract love. I don’t mean pulling the hottest moves on the dance floor is going to have your soul mate walking up to you asking to have “this dance,” rather it’s going to shift your frequency up to the point where you draw in what is for your highest good. You can dance.
- In a night club or bar
- In a dance class
- In your own home a la freestyle in your jammies
- Anywhere you feel like
13. Spend time with your friends
This is similar to number 7 but extends to being open and receptive accepting invitations from friends, acquaintances, and the like. Go to birthday parties, go to random parties, allow your friends and acquaintances to get to know you. You never know who will want to set you up with their friend who is an amazing catch once they get to know you!
Another confidence builder, being able to cook also makes it fun to have people over. Cooking is an expression of love and way to nurture your bodies, your homes, and your relationships.
15. Try something new
Simply being open to new experiences increases your chances of meeting someone. The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Try something new.
16. Get out of your comfort zone. That’s where most everything you want is.
You’ll also amaze yourself when you see yourself adapting and thriving in situations and environments you once thought you wouldn’t enjoy or do well in.
17. Join a Community
Belonging to a community is great for mental health. Being regularly surrounded by people who enjoy and value you is a great reminder that you are not in any way too damaged for love. Common types of communities people belong to:
- Religion: Churches, Synagogues, Buddhist Temples, and Mosques
- Yoga and meditation studies
- Recreational sports teams
- Searching gatherings and events on meetup.com to meet others with mutual interests
- Volunteering for a cause that matters to you
- Political activism
- Taking classes in anything you find interesting or are passionate about
18. Yoga… it’s not over-rated
Yoga teaches us to do something for the sake of the process rather than the fruits that bloom as a result. This is an important concept when it comes to finding a relationship when we feel too damaged to be loved.
When we become too result-oriented we may give up before we strike gold. Some people become frustrated when they feel they have been doing all of the right things for X amount of time and are still single and struggling to feel worthy of an amazing relationship.
There is a bit of a paradox when it comes to aligning yourself to receive love because you must become love in order to attract it. Like attracts like.
So if you want a relationship that is filled with love, joy, and passion you must first be those things yourself. And you must be them for the sake of being them.
While finding love may be the impetus that inspired you to do anything from the above list, or something else of your choosing that makes you feel playful, it is what the act of playful creativity does for your soul and your energy that should be the reason you make It a non negotiable part of your life.
Life happens when we are busy doing other things.
You know how they say you can’t find love if you’re looking for it? Instead of searching for a person search for joy. Search for creativity. Search for play. Search for adventure.
Finding true and lasting love is the second bird that is killed with one stone. It’s a result of staying committed to your evolution. When we stay playful and creative we heal ourselves. I want to reemphasize this vital statement:
Creativity is an essential component of overall wellness.
The sacral chakra governs our creativity, sexuality, and ability to give and receive pleasure. This chakra has a lot to do with our relationships as being able to give and receive joy and pleasure on any level, sexual or otherwise, is an essential building block of the foundation of a relationship.
We may find it easier to find love when we are younger simply because we more easily give ourselves permission to have fun and experience pleasure at that stage in life.
Therefore, it is not about the age, but rather the state of mind that opens us up to love. Having a healed sacral chakra as a result of creative expression and prioritizing your experience of joy and pleasure whether through play or creativity is what aligns our energy to experience those feelings with another person.
This is available to us at any age if we make joy, play, creativity, and childlike wonderment a priority as adults as much as we do when we are kids.
If you are constantly telling yourself you are too damaged to be loved, take that as a signal from your sacral chakra that you need more joy, pleasure, and fun in your life.
Perhaps there is some healing that could put you in better alignment for love, but the process is often more so about what brings us joy and taking time for play rather than finding ourselves on the proverbial therapist couch perseverating on all of the things that hurt us.
There is always a purpose for examining wounds and discussing pain with someone who can hold space for us, but when it comes to overcoming the fear of being too damaged for love it’s time to play, create, and have fun.
We can still be in the process of healing our wounds and be in a healthy and happy relationship. Healing is a journey. In the meantime, have a little romance or maybe even a lot!
The battlefield where we fight for love is within us and when if we can turn it into a dance floor it gets easier.
If you feel there is something deeper within you blocking you from being able to even fathom being playful and romantic with yourself or another it may be a good idea to seek help!
I offer coaching to those searching for love again after loss or if you feel too damaged to be loved. You are not alone.