Stress is something that we all have to face eventually. It manifests in our work and our day-to-day life at home. The physical and emotional reactions brought on by stress are manageable, but if we don’t learn how to deal with the consequences ourselves, stress can quickly fan the flame of our anger and lead to an onslaught of issues. Last time I talked with Tricia Woolfrey about the unique strategy to solve any problem. This time we talk to Tricia, an Integrative Coach, Consultant, Therapist, Wellness Practitioner, Trainer and Author, about the link between stress and anger, the factors that can affect these responses, and how we can reduce the effects that they have.
Tricia, it was lovely to speak with you about unique problem-solving strategies. This time we are going to focus on the link between stress and anger. In your opinion, how is anger related to stress?
People react differently to stress. There are psychological, emotional and physical reactions and everybody is different. For example, some withdraw, some develop insomnia, others have difficulty concentrating, and yet others respond with physical ailments such as headaches, pain, IBS, etc. Irritability and anger are another way that some people react when they are stressed. If one of your stress responses is physical pain, this is another factor that can contribute to anger. Or if one of your stress responses is to suffer insomnia, that too will contribute to an anger response. Similarly, if one of your stressors is not having your needs considered, a lack of this is likely to contribute to an anger response. Anger is a web of complexity which is why my integrative approach is important: when you understand the cause as well as the contributory factors, you are in a stronger position to manage anger in a constructive way.
Does stress and anxiety cause anger?
It is more accurate to say that anger is a symptom of stress. It is useful to understand your emotions and what they are trying to tell you. There are seven main negative emotions, all of which have different messages for us but often we are oblivious to the message or are brought up to ignore the emotions. Messages growing up like “big boys don’t cry”, “pull yourself together” or “nice people don’t get angry” teach us to ignore negative emotions and/or suppress anger. This can only serve to make things worse. It is like a pressure cooker: the pressure builds up until it explodes, usually at the wrong person at the wrong time and in the wrong way. And very often out of proportion to the triggering situation.
Can stress increase angry behaviours?
If you are someone who gets irritable when you are stressed, it follows that the more stressed you are the more irritable you become. Anger can be a sign of frustration that something isn’t working out as expected, or it can be a sense of unfairness, that your boundaries have been crossed, values broken, that you don’t feel heard or your needs are not being considered. For some, though, it can be a well of anger which has built up over many, many years and has not found its expression in a helpful way. I like to ask my clients whether the degree of their anger is based on past or present circumstances. Most of the time the larger part of the emotion is about things which have happened in the past rather than what is going on now. What is going on now is often a trigger but not a cause.
In what way can anger appear under stress?
Anger can come out in different ways. The most obvious way is by shouting or arguing. But it can be more subtle than that. For example, saying yes to a meeting but turning up late; accepting an invitation to a party from a friend you have barely forgiven and not showing up. This is called passive-aggression. And it can be more graphic than that. Some people’s anger manifests physically, either in physical fights, throwing things, punching walls or domestic violence. In this latter case, it is strongly advised that the person seeks professional help.
Do you have some tips on how to control anger in stress?
The best thing to do is be aware of your stressors, the signs of stress (especially early warning signs), and take proactive action so that anger does not appear so easily. I have a whole series of helpful videos on how to manage stress on my YouTube channel. Using EFT is very helpful as a daily practice to create a foundation for improved coping and also to help with stressors as and when they occur. I have a video that demonstrates how to use it here. I also teach my clients self-hypnosis which is brilliant. And, of course, mindfulness which is exceptionally helpful too. But, as everybody is different, a personalised approach is good. Counting to 10 is a well-known and useful way to control anger because it engages your logical mind.
What can cause this aggressive type of stress?
There is verbal aggression and physical aggression but often these are the result of learned behaviour growing up. If this is what happened in the family home, this is likely to be your template for how to deal with frustration. Anger can make you feel strong but it is rarely a reflection of actual strength. It can be a sign of vulnerability as aggression is the only way of “staying safe”. But the repurcussions are enormous. True strength comes from a calmer place. Drug or alcohol abuse are often factors in aggression and if you find that you are aggressive when using, it is most likely that you will always be and that abstaining is going to be important. However, becoming free from substance abuse is not easy and can bring about their own complications. Again, professional help is recommended.
What are factors that affect anger and stress?
Overwhelm is a big one. The fight or flight response comes into play when we feel swamped. It is even worse if it is matched by the exhaustion which often accompanies feelings of overwhelm. Negative thinking patterns are also triggers. There are a variety of these for example black and white thinking would have us believe that something is either good or bad and stops us from looking at other possibilities for a situation. Another is “the tyranny of the shoulds”. This is where our thinking and language is peppered with words like should, must, have-to, got-to. These are unconscious rules and when we think this way it means that something is right or wrong and if we are easily triggered, “shoulding” can be a big factor. For example “people should be on time”. When we think this thought we can become irritated that someone is late. The stronger our anger issue, or the number of times a particular person has displayed this behaviour, the bigger our anger response. It is better to think in terms of preferences rather than absolutes and this moderates the anger response and I teach people how to handle the situation constructively There are many thinking patterns that contribute to anger and stress and you can find these in my book Think Positive, Feel Good. There are also factors such as lack of sleep, hunger, illness and substance abuse: looking after yourself is an important part of anger management.
How can we fight and reduce it?
I would think less about fighting to reduce it (seems counter-productive!) than becoming more aware of what is going for you emotionally: what has caused the anger? Is it based on past or present circumstances? Is there a peaceful way you can address the issue? Should that be done now or is it more usefully addressed when you have calmed down? Thinking in terms of collaboration and compromise rather than conflict and competition will go a long way towards creating a calmer outlook. Even if all this is done after the event, it’s helpful: you are training your mind for the future.
Can you recommend some practices and lifehacks we can add to the
daily routine to reduce this stress?
Reducing stimulants is really important: coffee, alcohol and fast food for example. These increase adrenalin which exacerbates the anger-response in those who suffer anger issues. I teach meditation, mindfulness and self-hypnosis as really good ways of creating more peace and calm: great antidotes to anger. Self-hypnosis can reprogram the mind for more constructive responses. Time out in nature is also calming and helps create perspective: life is so much more than our problems. It may also be helpful to do physical exercise such as running or martial arts as a way of expressing the anger in a physical way. However, some people with severe anger issues do too much of this and it creates more adrenalin: balance is important. The Emotional Freedom Technique (already mentioned) is also a brilliant way of processing negative emotions. What I love about it is that it doesn’t suppress the emotion but processes it in a healthy way and enables you to deal with the situation much more constructively. A demonstration video is on my YouTube channel here.
The important thing to remember is that when you are calmer you are less reactive. When you are less reactive you have more choices available to you about how to handle a situation.
Can you name some signs that you do not in control of your anger? What
do you recommend in this situation?
I guess two of the main ones are that you often do things you regret, or that your relationships (either at work or at home) are suffering because of the nature of your interractions. Having difficulty managing disagreements in a constructive way is another one. It is normal to have disagreements but they don’t have to lead to anger outbursts or arguments: the ability to collaborate and compromise are useful tools where there is a difference of opinion. Also watch out for how your behaviour changes when you consume alcohol. Often drinking alcohol reduces inhibitions which can reveal the anger which you have been struggling to control.
How can our readers contact you and follow on social media?
Websites www.triciawoolfrey.com and www.yourempoweredself.co.uk and
www.a-headforsuccess.co.uk
YouTube https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkAc32gUuYMhpyGmgK9rjpg
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/triciawoolfrey/
Podcast https://anchor.fm/tricia-woolfrey
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/HypnotherapyCoachingWellness/