“And so, as we come to the core belief of this, what’s your underlying, deep belief here?”, she said.
“That I am useless”, I replied.
I haven’t often seen mental health professionals cry, but this lovely lady had tears in her eyes.
“Really? Do you really believe that to be true?”.
I was astounded that anyone would question this.
It was quite clear. Abundantly so.
“Yes”, I said.
“I am quite sure”.
It’s 2010, and I am the mum of young twins.
I had not slept, at this point, for well over a year.
My whole identity had been blown apart as I became a mother a few short years after a nervous breakdown/perfectly aligned transformational life moment.
All that I had previously defined myself by in the first part of my life had gone.
My career, my income, my identity as I had previously defined it.
And thank fuck it had all gone.
Because what I know now, that I didn’t know then, was that my boxes had all been pulled down.
Academic and professional achievements mean nothing when you are awake in the early hours with post natal psychosis.
My skills in nailing client briefs as a designer and writer meant nothing as I changed nappies for the 50th time that day, sobbing into my coffee and trying to stay awake.
The new version of me was starting to emerge.
I want to hug that beautiful young mama who believed her worst stories.
I know now, that from that blank slate, from that wiped clean identity, I began to plant the seeds of what was to come.
I began to write in my morning pages my dreams of writing books, of helping others, of creating a new life, of stepping out from those boxes and into my brilliance.
I started to allow myself to think “what if?”, and to play with possibilities.
Often from those darkest moments in life, the next chapter is about to begin.
I play “what if” all the time now.
And when I think of that exhausted, teary younger me, I send her all the love from my heart.
The cracks of her brokenness let the light in to start a whole new chapter.
I know now that I am brilliant, divine light in human goddess form.
You are magical too.
Let the light 💡 in.