I was unemployed since December 2019. I was devastated at the choice I had to make. I did not have a mentor who could guide me with my career choices. I felt like I was on the sinking Titanic. Leaving my job also meant I had to return home. January, February, March, April, May, June, July and finally August. It was eight months of emotional terror for me. I witnessed nothing but rejection. One after the other. All straight in a row. I began to gradually lose my mind. I began to physically vent my anger on stuff at home. I sometimes took off to the terrace to check how I could jump off from the top.
I am thankful that some dose of common sense prevailed in me before I took any drastic step. Somehow, by God’s grace, I couldn’t get myself to do anything harmful. I began to feel monachopsistic – the feeling of being out of place. On LinkedIn, I saw nothing but users posting about their new jobs. I saw my former colleagues posting work-related snaps on Instagram. I deleted my Insta account right away and logged out of LinkedIn for a long time to give my mind and me some nice peaceful break. I had reached my point of liberosis – the desire to care less for things.
I thought I could celebrate my 25th with some ebullience. However, circumstances proved to be otherwise. I couldn’t have felt lonelier than I was, even on my birthday. There is a word to describe the emotions I was experiencing back then. You call it mauerbauertraurigkeit – the desire to push people, whom you love or like, away.
In June, I found myself lost in my own crazy muddle of emotional messes. I annoyed so many people with my I-don’t-care-about-your-feelings attitude. Not that I was engaging in this behavior deliberately. I realized that there was nobody whom I could just cry my heart out to in person and apologize for the emotional wreck that I was.
July arrived. I slowly began to pick myself up as weeks passed by. I took up an unpaid internship, to not just boost my career prospects, but also to take my mind off so many things. I watched TV shows in the wee hours that provided me with some sort of solace, that I could never find in the day. By July end, I was virtually exhausted with the rejections of my applications.
August wished me Hola! I was unaware of the biggest surprise that was in store for me. In the last week of July, I had applied to a popular MNC with zero expectations of being considered for the role. To my shock, I was invited to take an analytical test followed by two rounds of interview. I admit, it was one of the most nerve-wracking weeks I had ever experienced. On late Sunday night, I was working on one my blogs and it must have been around 2 AM. I had finished my work and signed into my mail for a last glance. As I logged in, my eyes and pupils grew wider than they actually could. It was a mail mentioning my employment offer. I could not jump with excitement or laugh because I was extremely numb. My family members were fast asleep. It was then that I realized I had to shoot a message to the one person, who calmly stood by me like a rock, when I needed a shoulder to cry on. I did. My Aunt was the first person with whom I had the privilege of sharing this news.
There was only one person to whom I could bare my heart out. My Aunt. I realized that there was a reason why God created Aunts too, apart from Moms of course. Eight months of struggle allowed me to explore the best and the worst attributes in me. My Aunt had and has this extraordinary sense of calmness every time I reached out to her. Without her, I would not have opened my eyes in time to witness another door opening up for me. This is a personal article I would truly dedicate to her.
So, I am growing up to realize that when certain doors close, they are meant to. And when another set of doors open, you are meant to enter a new and better phase of life. And there would always be people around you to have your back, especially your family. I realize it is simply a matter of introspection.