In 2018 I left my last corporate job after 25 years to follow my dream of working full-time as a meditation teacher. I have always had anxiety but have managed it by just finding ways to adjust socially and in work.
This time was different. I started fearing going to work in the last few weeks, couldn’t sleep and my anxiety levels increased. I had taken medication in the past and whilst reluctant, thought this might help. I was so wrong. It was as though my body rejected the drugs and I felt terrible. I felt low, stressed and my anxiety was no better. I made the difficult decision to stop taking them.
By the time I had finished work I felt dreadful. I struggled to get out of bed, I felt numb and there was no way I could focus on my business properly.
I struggled on, feeling rubbish, but determined not to be taken down with it. In the back of my mind was that my mum, who was always in and out physchaitric care, ended up in these horrible places and I didn’t want to end up there.
I went through some horrendous days and weeks. I felt physically and mentally exhausted. I also started to realise that who I had been at work all these years wasn’t really who I was. I had been living a lie for most of my life. I believe that this was the catalyst for a spiritual awakening to my real self.
I felt a calling to take a deep look at who I was. My ill health had made me take a step back, work out what was important and perhaps where I was going. I’ve always had an interest in holistic health, but now I started to seek answers from spirituality.
I rested in between marketing my business and took time to understand what this shift was trying to tell me. Reading, researching and meeting like minded people.
In 2019 I met a spiritual mentor who connected me back to my purpose. I remember the first meeting we had she took me on a journey to meet my Native American ancestors. I remember coming out of it, thinking “I’ve come home” I was returned to the wisdom that I have always held within me and shown the purpose of who I am here to serve.
I have ended up knowing that we are always guided and supported, even when we feel at our lowest and loneliest. I have experienced the bliss of finding internal peace and acceptance of who I am.
The journey hasn’t been easy and I have been stripped back of all that I thought I was. Isn’t it in the darkest hour that we tend to see the light?
When we are trying so hard, we forget to reflect and connect to out inner guidance. To access our subconscious and use all the natural gifts, skills and talents that we were born with. We are so busy wanting to achieve and succeed that we aren’t able to see all that is there for us, and always was.
It can take a wake-up and the most painful experiences to see our growth and our worth. The journey begins at the bottom rather than the top.
I have come to understand that fear and stress are an illusion, a perception. Working harder and craving material possessions doesn’t bring happiness, it’s a temporary state of being.
Sometimes only the hardest times show us the right path. And not all choose to take it because it takes faith, a look at all that we don’t want to face.
Yet if we embrace all of our past and bring the future self into our present moment, we see a new future that was always mean to be.
We are always striving for something, yet our success is found in the simplicity and effectiveness of managing our energy and emotions in order to fufil our true potential and purpose.