“You’re not enough” “You’re not worthy” “You don’t deserve it”
Do these sound familiar? Maybe a variation of these is more yours instead, like ‘You’re not smart enough’, ‘Who do you think you are?’, ‘You’re not good enough for this?’, ‘You don’t deserve him/her’.
We all have this voice, this gremlin, this demon or limiting belief that sends us illogical messages based on our past – either someone from the past, or an experience from the past. The truth is that it originates from way back in time, to a time we often can’t even remember. But a message was imprinted on our brain that says we’re not enough.
This might even be uncomfortable to read, because we don’t like to talk about it. Most of us have shame around this and think that if anyone knew or found out, then it would push people away. So we hide this thing, this inner voice, the inner critic. We hide it, try to contain it and go about our daily lives, at home, at work, around friends. And trust me when I say, you’re not the only one with these thoughts. We all have them in some way or another.
But we were born enough.
We were born perfect, worthy, loveable, capable, deserving and enough.
For me, it was ‘you’re not good enough’, ‘you’re not smart enough’ and ‘you’ll have to hustle for worthiness’. And so I did. I hustled, and I hustled and I hustled for my worthiness from others until one day I found myself married to someone who loved the game and toyed with my worthiness like a cat toys with a mouse that he’s about to eat.
It was in that moment, which became my defining moment, that I said, f*%# this s##*, I am worth more than this. It was in this moment that I stood up to my demons, those nasty voices inside, and said, ‘no, you’re wrong, I deserve better than this’.
Shortly after, I left my husband, pursued a massive career change and started my new business while being a full-time mom. And through this most recent journey I learned how to quiet the demons inside, those negative voices that kept clawing at me, trying to convince me that I wasn’t good enough.
It was in the falling down, hitting the bottom and finding my way back up that I built my own worthiness, I grew my own confidence and developed an unshakable belief in myself.
How about you? What does your demon or gremlin say to you? How much does it affect your life, your business, your job or your relationships? How would all these areas of your life be different if the voice was just a quiet one that you would know how to respond to and quiet when you need to?
I share with you 5 steps that fundamentally changed my life and that I now use when working with clients who want to overcome their inner obstacles and their inner critics that are holding them back from the happiness and success they want.
Just like standing up to a bully, you need courage to make a stand for yourself. So reach in, dig deep, grab hold of your courage and tell yourself the quote by John Wayne ‘Courage is being afraid but saddling up anyway’. And then just hang on tight, don’t let go and stand strong.
I know this sounds so fear inducing, but hear me out. Shame cannot exist in the presence of empathy and compassion. (Wise words from Brene Brown). So when you shine light on these thoughts, when you tell someone what this voice says and it’s received with empathy and compassion, you no longer feel alone, you no longer feel the need to hate this part of yourself. You’re acknowledged for having an irrational thought, like everyone else. The power that this thought once had on you falls away as you realize that it’s just a thought, it’s not reality or the truth. When someone says I get it or me too, then you can begin to offer yourself empathy and compassion, you can begin to be gentle with yourself and love yourself instead. This simple act will be the catalyst in turning from and walking away from that gremlin or demon inside.
As if you could almost sit down with your gremlin, your limiting belief and have a conversation with it, what would happen if you asked it to say what it needs to say. So, you’re about to meet a new group of people, or pitch your new idea, or present your business to someone new, what is this voice saying to you? It might be saying, ‘they’re not going to like you’, ‘they’re going to find out about that thing about you, and then they won’t like you’, ‘they’re not going to like your idea’, ‘do you honestly think you’re good enough for this?’. So if that’s what the voice is saying, what if you could ask that part of yourself, that’s saying these words, what do you want for me that’s positive? Or, what are you trying to protect me from? Every behaviour we have has a positive pay-off or some benefit that is simply there to keep us alive. It’s our emotional framework or structure that we have in place to protect us, to keep us emotionally safe. So ask yourself again, what do you want for me that’s positive and what are you protecting me from?
Once you’ve been able to answer the question, what do you want for me that’s positive, then go out and find a way to get that from another source in order to build you up. Tony Robbins always says, it’s not about a lack of resources but more about a lack of resourcefulness. So, start thinking of ways, tools, people, anything that will help you get what you really need in that moment. For some, they may need the voice of a loved one saying, ‘you can do this, you know you can’. For others they may need to refer back to a time when they found a way through a similar obstacle before and ask themselves, what worked then, how did I find my way through that? For some it may be reading or watching an inspirational story or talk. For some it may be hiring a professional, like a coach or mentor that can help them challenge these negative limiting beliefs and empower them to get what they really need and what they’re wanting at a deeper level. For some it might be meditation, exercise, music, or something that makes them feel good and changes their state so they can think more clearly and access the visual and ideas centre of their brain. Whatever it is, go out, take control of your life, and find other ways and resources to help you get what it is that you are really needing. When you discover that you have the power within you to make a change, a world of possibility opens up.
This is the step where that critical voice inside is replaced with creating something new and something positive instead. A friend recently shared with me that an important part of his journey was that he decided he wanted to create a different result in his life. I thought it was so powerful and captures the essence of this important step. Focus on creating a new result and create actions steps to get it. When you bring your attention on this new thing you want to create and when you align yourself with your values and your personal vision, you create actions that stem from what’s important to you. And when you complete these actions, your confidence grows, your self worth grows and those demons and limiting beliefs quietly slip away. In fact, you won’t even notice them getting silent because you’ll be so caught up and feeling empowered from this new thing you’re focused on and creating. As you continue with this process you’re constantly creating new evidence that challenges that critical voice inside, evidence that proves that voice is wrong.
So keep taking action, keep moving forward and keep creating evidence that you do have worth, that you are worthy, that you are smart enough, good enough and simply enough. Because you were born that way and nothing has changed.
Custom photography by Angela McConnell