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How I found the courage and resilience through my traumatic childhood

I do not want to live the life my mom lived. I want to change my life for the better.

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Growing up back then was never comfortable with an almost broken family. Having grown up in a dark childhood and poverty always makes me feel less in my life. I recalled I was in primary 4 when dad was having an affair. Dad was never there to provide for us, leaving mom to strive and fight to hold the family together. When dad is home, he started to emotionally and physically abuse mom and throw and breaking almost everything in the house. Life was not the same as what others see. Trying to pretend to have wonderful parents and great background was tough at school when I was internally fighting emotionally.

At a young age, I lost the feeling of family love and worst I experienced my mom’s suicidal attempts.

I recalled I woke up that midnight and hide in the corner, looking up at my mom climbing up the chair with the cloth around her neck.  I was so frightened and not knowing what to do; all I knew is I need to save my mom.

I started to crawl out from my hiding place, make my existence known. “Go back to bed,” – whispered my mom. I refused to move (for I know, if I make a step that is the final time, I’ll see her). I cried and keep asking my mom what she doing. That night that moment, I saved my mom.

Life was never easy after that night, my childhood was filled with fear, insecurity, unlove, and poverty. The very darkness of life leaves a deep scar as I grew up.

Fast forward to Secondary 5; after completing my high school, I knew that I need to leave home to find my peace and a place I can call home. I packed and left with hopes and desires to turn my life around, be independent, and find love. The scares from my past nail so deeply within me that I struggled throughout my adolescent years. I was not manageable and full of negativity. Life lost it’s meaning…. But I am not ready to give up. Despite all the struggles, all I knew is “I do not want to live the life my mom lived. I want to change my life for the better”.

No man on earth I knew could have safe me and break me through this chain. I yearned for the highest power of man. That is when I turned to God. Having full faith in Him.

He never fails me as I follow His path daily, holding tight to Him whenever I lost and fall. For almost 10 years, I struggled to find myself, learn to let go, overcome the traumatized childhood and fight to survive, and follow his guidance to the life He promises me.

In the year 2008, finally, my prayer was answered. I packed and moved to Singapore to find a job, praying for a breakthrough but ended up with another hit in my life. I got retrenched after 9 months in that job. Life was devastated with a visa deadline, no savings, and no place to return.

“Why?” “What I have done wrong?” – I keep asking. Refusing to give up and lost hope, I struggled to do whatever it takes to continue my Singapore stay. It drags for months….till the evening of May 2009, attending a miracle service in a church, that I received a personal message from GOD“Go and enjoy yourself…. “I felt as He spoke to me. With the retrenchment package, I fulfilled my life dreams and enrolled myself in a diving course. I spent half a year just enjoying myself and have faith that He will plan everything for me. Life took a turning point after that.

At the end of 6 months, I secure a role with the National University of Singapore. Although it was a part-time job, it was the start of my new life. Subsequently, I received an offer from Hewlett Packard and got a permanent role. My career was progressing, and my faith grows. I prayed for a loving husband. In the year 2011, I met my husband and got married in the year 2014. In him and his family, I found Love…

Throughout my years in life, the struggles and the wish to thrive for a better life developed me into a strong personality. I want to change my life and be an inspiration to others. I work hard to be recognized and continuously striving for excellence, and seek opportunities to inspire others through my journey in any area that I am involved in.

My personal story came alive a few years ago when I realized that I was everything that my struggles in life made off. To date, I asked myself, will I change anything in my life? Will I choose to be born into another family? My answer is NO. I do not hate my dad nor self-pity in my life struggles. I will not be who I am without these life experiences. Through it, I found my courage my resilience and strive to live the life that I deserve.

It was an awakening call for me to discover my purposes. I am inspired to share my story and to give hope to those experiencing life struggles.

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