How Humility, Awareness, and Conviction Empowers me

Embarking on 2021

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Embarking in 2021, are you willing to sit in the driver’s seat and unplug from thinking that you need to see the final destination? 

The driver’s seat requires learning how to navigate but learning alone is not enough. There must be humility, awareness, and conviction. “She must find a boat and sail in it—no guarantee of shore. Only a conviction that what she wanted could exist, if she dared to find it” (Jeanette Winterson).

As a young girl, I sat alone in silence in random chapels in Brooklyn, New York. In my later teens and twenties, I visited the chapel in the back of Saint Patrick Cathedral in New York City almost daily. I would sit in silence and meditate, with the hope of getting an answer or some sign about how to navigate my life. I was longing for something, but wasn’t sure what it was. 

I got married at a young age, and for a short time, I felt like I had a role or purpose; then, that started to wear off. I became a mother, which added to my identity, and I hoped I would feel complete and purposeful, but that feeling lasted only for a brief time. It was not until my late twenties that I began to awaken as a single mom searching for more meaning to life. It was humility that helped me recognize that whatever is in life and in front of me is to be respected as something that will take me forward. A quietness comes with humility, a stillness that accepts whatever is in need. I began practicing meditation, receiving reiki, journaling, and knowing that I can choose who I want to become or risk not ever knowing. 

I began to grow through my experiences rather than be crushed by them. I started to self-love and became more aligned than I have ever felt in my life. 

Practicing awareness creates the pauses at the stoplights on the journey. I’ve come to understand that my thoughts create the experience I live in, that it may not be the events that are disturbing me, but rather my thoughts, or how I think about, those events that is important. Having a conviction that what I think about, what I know, and who I am, empowers me.  

I am grateful for the tools that keep me on track. Like many others, I struggled with negative thoughts about how things would unfold because of the pandemic. I began to feel very overwhelmed, and scenarios ran through my mind. I began to disconnect and felt fear make a space in my mind and my body. Yes, I was experiencing darkness; my external world and internal experience did not align, and I struggled with the sensation of days going by and each day feeling the same. But I started to return to my tools more regularly, meditating, journaling, praying, and recalling things that bring me joy. I asked for guidance and believed I would receive what I already knew – that I have strength in my heart, clarity of mind and peace in my soul, and the power to choose. 

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