How do you become emotionally detached? Well, I have to admit that it’s easier said than done.
We are all humans, and so, emotional beings. Falling in love and feel terrible being dependent on his or her sight? Having butterflies in your stomach, missing the person, and feeling vulnerable? Anxious and worried about money? Afraid of losing your car because you can’t afford to pay it anymore?…
We have so many reasons to be attached to someone, or something. So much fear and insecurity that goes with that.
As it’s not a comfortable sensation, we have an interest in overcoming it. In addition, non-attachment and abandon of the results of anything we desire, bring us the most quickly to it, whether it’s the dearest person or your wildest dream of something.
How do you become emotionally detached? Not easy. But I have to assure you: With practice, we can improve enormously.
Let’s learn some best mindful practices that help. But first of all, let us understand more about the phenomenon of attachment.
Attachment happens in all areas of our lives
Last Sunday evening, I was suddenly feeling vulnerable after a chat on Facebook. It was a beautiful relationship and friendship. We had nice conversations and debates. But abruptly, I had some doubts about these virtual discussions. I realized that I started to be attached to the person. It was not the first time my stomach was heating up. I couldn’t wait to receive the messages, for instance. I even sometimes underwent minor jealousy. I bore uncomfortable sensations of insecurity this relationship brought me in.
You may notice this too. This can happen in the virtual world, or in real life when it comes to relationships. You may want to detach emotionally from an ex-partner or with someone you live constantly with. When you love someone, come with a beautiful loving relationship, the sensations of emotional insecurity too.
Similarly, financially wide, you can also observe attachments too. It doesn’t matter how much you have, the experience of insecurity, and lack of fulfillment still remain. As an example, you can be attached to money, regardless of how big your bank account is. Do you know that among the people who worry the most about money, are the richest persons in the world?
Will it be the right reaction to keep some distance and cold yourself down in a relationship? Does non-attachment mean disengagement? How to still love without being needy? Practically about money, for example, how to come to peace with what you have? In short, how do you become emotionally detached?
So many questions you have regarding the art of non-attachment. But in the first place, to free ourselves from attachment, we need to understand where it comes from.
Attachment comes from fear and insecurity
What constructs our attachment? Fear and insecurity.
At their ends, these sensations of fear and insecurity come from the ignorance of our real nature. All of your physical world, cars, houses, clothes, money, even the person you love, are only the symbol of your real “self”. “Pursuing a symbol is like considering a map instead of territory” (Deepak Chopra). When we pursue these symbols, we encounter anxiety. It debouches on inner emptiness. We never feel enough, and secure, regardless of how much we possess.
As an example, if you base your emotional security on the person you love, your “symbol”, you will never find his attention or presence enough. You’ll need all the time more and more, and find yourself more and more dependent. This way of love is very insecure and traumatizing, isn’t it? While true love equals non-attachment. “You will be dancing more and you will become more loving. Remember, love is not attachment, love knows no attachment, and that which knows attachment is not love” (Osho)
When these unpleasant feelings of attachments come, here is my only advice. Find back the ways to focus your attention on and connect with your higher self. The next thing to do is to give yourself some time for the feelings to fade away. Non-attachment is a state of mind, which we can train ourselves.
How do you become emotionally detached? Learn my 5 best tips just right now.
#1. Be aware that non-attachment is a state of mind
First and foremost, we must recognize that attachment, and non-attachment are states of mind.“Detachment is a state in which a person overcomes their attachment to desire for things, people, or concepts of the world. He or she thus attains a heightened perspective” (Wikipedia).
“True detachment isn’t a separation from life but the absolute freedom within your mind to explore living.”Ron W. Rathbun
This awareness brings us the possibility to observe and train our mind to the state of non-attachment.
# 2. Understand and respect the impermanence of all life
To become emotionally detached, you realize the importance of living in a way that you go with the natural flow of things. By that, I mean you understand and respect the impermanence of all life.
Here is a very classical example. A cloud does not exist in itself. It only transforms from being water, snow, or frozen ice. Understanding this, you’ll not be attached to the fact that a cloud may disappear from the sky.
Will it apply to your lover, your car, your house, and your money? Well, it does. Impermanence applies to all things that exist. It includes the love and presence of someone to which you are so much attached. Or a beautiful car that you care dearly.
Realizing impermanence is a way to help us let go in our everyday life. Look deeply at all that you have. Your body, at first. Is it composed of water, that comes from a cloud? Does it contain innumerable beings inside it, from the cells of an apple that you just ate, or the oxygen that you just breathed from a tree? You will realize not only the interconnected nature of all things but also the impermanence. That is, the fact that nothing lasts forever.
Keep in mind this philosophy, and this way of living, you’ll be able to keep a stable state of mind of “non-attachment”. It will help when difficult emotions come.
But I can guess your next question! When I feel attached emotionally, what are the other practical things I can do to get out of it?
#3. Identify the ego
Again, there are many ways to go about emotional attachment. But the first step is generally to begin working to identify the ego.
“Ego is what we believe we are, externally. It is the outer shell of ourselves, the self-image of who we are (SereneEnigma).
Many of our negative emotions come from ego, including emotional attachment. To identify your ego, we need to reach our higher self. This is generally done through some forms of meditation, particularly mindfulness. It allows you to observe yourself “silently”. You can watch what unfolds and arises from within you, and recognized the “ego” part of it. This can take time and can be challenging, but the process itself is very rewarding.
Strive to live with mindfulness in each moment. It is whether you’re sitting on the meditation cushion, walking from one place to the next, or are at work. Mindfully shine a light on your entire life. Uncover the presence of the ego in each area of your life. It can comprise the furthest reaches that lay hidden deep in your subconscious.
Identify the ego helps with the awareness that it is only part of a bigger and universal self. We are then liberated from our fear and insecurity created by our emotional attachment.
#4. Mindfully return to the present moment
When you are overwhelmed by an emotional attachment, the first thing to do is to take three deep breaths. Return to the present moment with mindful breathing. It helps you realize that life is much more than your current worries.
Do you conceive that at each and every breath, you are exchanging oxygen with these majestic green trees? That they are one with you? That each cell of your body contains the sun and the rains that ripen the fruits you ate. That at the very moment you are breathing, the Earth is spinning silently in the immense universe?
Life is much more. And taking perspectives can help overcome current emotional difficulties.
“When you know how to touch the present moment deeply, you touch eternity. You touch the past, and you touch the future”Thich Nhat Hanh
What truly exists is the present moment. You can always return to it, your inner home. If you enjoy the present moment deeply you can overcome the fear of loss and the feeling of insecurity.
By focusing on the present moments, and free yourself from the attachment to the “symbols”. And that’s the way to realize your wishes. Because, as Deepak Chopra says it very well, “All that I desire is within me”. You can create all that you desire, love, or richness, by focusing on your pure intention. When there is no obstacle created by your own mind,
#5. Adopt the wisdom of uncertainty
When we are emotionally attached to someone or something, we are unconsciously searching for security. This quest is in vain. Because what every security we may find, it remains short term and illusory. We always need more. And in addition, all things change.
Being emotionally attached to someone or something comes from the habit of forcing the solution. We want things or people to be what we want. Our ideas of things become rigid. Nevertheless, if you adopt the wisdom of uncertainty, you will let things evolve by themselves. You are awakened to all possibilities.
“Uncertainty is the fertile soil of pure creativity and freedom”Deepak Chopra
Receiving the “unknown” is a way to the field of all possibilities – And if you can be in this state, you’ll never feel emotionally attached to something or someone. You are open to passions of living: magic, celebration, joy, and exultation of mind. And that’s exactly how you receive them, all the desires that are the dearest to you.
How do you become emotionally detached? Practice with me
So you know, maybe better than anyone else, that being emotionally attached to someone or something is not a pleasant feeling. We have fear and insecurity. But attachment happens in all areas of our lives.
Practicing mindfulness can help you see deeply in the roots of attachment.
- You are firstly aware that attachment is a state of mind.
- Secondly, you realize and respect the impermanence of all things.
- Thirdly, you learn to recognize the ego and the self-image in those feelings, while being fully aware of a higher self where you are as big as life itself.
- Fourthly, mindfully return to the present moment.
- And finally, adopt the wisdom of uncertainty.
These are the gold keys to a fully engaged, yet unattached life. Practice today with me.
- Today, I’m aware of my feelings and attachment and understand where they deeply come from
- Today, I mindfully breathe in and out and recognize the wonder of life around me.
- I don’t impose my ideas on what needs to be. I’m open to and accept all as it is offered to me in the present moment.
- Today, I act in uncertainty. I know the solutions come by themselves out of confusion, disorder, and chaos.
- Today, I’m open to indefinite choices. I will experience joy, adventure, magic, and mystery of life