As intimately connected as we are with a partner, we still have individual desires that belong to us personally. This doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with your relationship. However, excluding your partner from your fantasies or not explaining why you’d like to keep them private could cause a disconnect and lack of intimacy over time.
Since a large percentage of our sexual arousal happens in our mind, sexually fantasizing while we’re masturbating alone or even while having physical sex with our partner may help us to imagine a sexual experience that we wouldn’t feel comfortable having in reality. Whether we’re imagining an extra-marital affair, a rape scene, a same sex encounter, or doing it with a celebrity, fantasizing gives us a safe, personal sexual space to explore our own desire.
Unfortunately, if there is a lack of communication or connection with our partner, we may be fantasizing due to the lack of sexual arousal during intimacy. This doesn’t translate into us not loving our partners — it just means that we’re just not having a sexual experience physically and emotionally that’s turning us on. In fact, the experience could be turning us off. It happens sometimes, no matter how much you love your partner. Fantasizing can transform this otherwise unsatisfying experience into a whole different sexual act, emotionally and physically.
Personal sexual desires and fantasies are normal and healthy, even when we’re with a partner. However, for a deeper connection, bringing your partner into your fantasies emotionally and physically can turn sex into an erotic dance between our imagination, emotions, and bodies.Talk about fantasizing with your partner, and try to start fulfilling each other’s fantasies. This process will make both of you happier, more confident, less stressed, and healthier (think lower blood pressure for one) by honoring your own worth, desires, and fantasies.
Having a deeply buried fantasy fulfilled by your partner — one that you maybe always thought was impossible to fulfill — can really reinvigorate not only your relationship but your entire life.
Once you feel comfortable enough to start exploring our own sexual fantasies with someone you know well, even if you’re only taking baby steps, it will deepen the way you care about and trust them. When we get to reveal desires and fantasies that we’ve been harboring for a long time (and perhaps desires that we haven’t even been able to reveal altogether to ourselves), we show great vulnerability to our partner. And, when they accept us and are excited to engage and fulfill the fantasy, we not only gain the novelty we crave but experience a deeper and closer form of intimacy. In those moments, our partner will see a perhaps less socially acceptable side of us, and respond with acceptance, encouragement, and love.
So, fantasize away, and try letting your partner in on the fun.
Our minds are complex, creative, and built for intimacy, so if you’re looking for a new boost of connection and novelty in your relationship, start a conversation about what each of you would love to see and feel as soon as you start dimming the lights.
Originally published at www.huffingtonpost.com on March 14, 2017.