I don’t have many memories from the first 4 years of my life – except for one very vivid memory. Was I too young to remember? Did I block them out? Did sadness wash all memories away?
The one memory that lived in me from that time I can see and hear so clearly. This memory is of my mom crying in her bedroom. I can see myself at the top of the stairs in our home. I quickly glance into my mom’s room to see her sitting on our wood rocking chair, in the corner of her bedroom, crying. Not wanting her to know I am there, I quietly slip back down the stairs. That is the only vivid memory I have from the home our family of 4 shared.
Tears fill my eyes as I write that. I now wish I would have walked into my mom’s bedroom. I wish my mom could have known in that moment that she wasn’t alone. That I was there filled with love to share and a hug that may have eased her tears.
Was she crying because my Dad had left? Was she crying because she was going to be a single mom? Was she crying because we were going to be moving? Was she crying because of a future that was unknown? This, I will never know. Since this memory surfaced after my mom passed away 3 1/2 years ago. This memory surfaced as I was healing from the loss of her and acknowledging my own inner wounds.
It’s interesting how we hold painful memories within us for so long. How we bury moments that create sadness. How we hide from questions because we may not want to know the answer.
I can’t go back in time but I can forgive myself for not letting my mom know in that moment that her daughter was there for her. I can send love to that memory and release the pain. I can believe that even though she didn’t see me in that moment, she knew that I was always there for her. I can now take action to make sure that my loved ones know that I am here for them.
What are you holding within you from the past? What are you holding onto because you are scared for what answers come with it? Where in your life can you not forgive yourself?
When you hold onto painful memories they hibernate underneath the surface. They can affect and control the present moment. They will be there until you heal them and let them go.
Looking within and seeing what’s hiding can be emotional. Past pain isn’t something we want to acknowledge but it is something that is important to heal. I know my 4 year old self didn’t do anything wrong. Yet, I carried that memory of regret for many, many years. If you, like me have buried experiences within you, trust me when I say that you will feel so much better by letting them free.
Today, welcome your past with open arms. Embrace all that has come your way. There is no need to hide from what has happened. Each experience is an opportunity for growth and an invitation for inner healing.
Allow yourself to forgive and let go. Forgive yourself for what you wish you would have done. Move forward knowing what you can and will do in the future.
Heal your past so you can light up in the now.
Feel the freedom of forgiveness.