For the past 10 years I’ve been so busy on life’s treadmill surviving and making a living that I neglected to do that life admin. Like sorting through the stuff that hurts, peeling back the layers to find that understanding and clarity of thought, in order to be able to hang out my hang ups, feel and be content in this precious moment, and move forward with my life.
This year life just hit me. The tension had been building, my foot was on the gas, but the car wasn’t in gear.
I was cruising rather mindlessness, not realizing the extent my head was a scrambled egg. I thought, for me at least, I was wound up so tight I knew inside I was bound to snap. I hadn’t properly processed bereavements, I felt dis-empowered at work and I justified the daily fight because I thought I liked the challenge.
The truth was that the cards were stacked against me and I didn’t enjoy how this made me feel. I had unhelpful core beliefs, and I lowered my standards. I convinced myself I enjoyed the adrenaline through my veins my job gave me, but the reality of it was that I was in an abusive relationship with work and inevitably it was a bad trade in the end.
The lessons I learned from this environment were that productivity gained by suppression, and using aggression, causes dysfunction and waste.
You can’t reason with unreasonable people, especially high-functioning sociopaths! Culture is an undeniably powerful force in the workplace and in hindsight I should have removed myself from the toxicity a long time ago. I was feeling broken and disconnected after years of absorbing other people’s emotions that overwhelmed any sense of myself I had left.
How did it feel? Emptiness from dodging emotions, headaches and insomnia. Then I contracted shingles, oh boy! We should all know by now that chronic daily stress can weaken your immune system, which, as I experienced, can put you at risk of reactivation of chicken-pox. This was only the beginning of my health issues and it got much worse before it eventually got better.
Often physical pain functions as an evolutionary indicator that there is emotional work to be done.
I didn’t know how I got to this point until I realized I had a shocking lack of awareness of what self-love was and battered confidence. This manifested in generalized anxiety which affected every aspect of my life in some way. And just like, that I woke up one day and I chose truth for the first time and that opened the door to a new moment to moment being. It’s that simple, but some of us have to go down before we can see it.
Now I’m on a journey in small steps to reveal my inner knowing and connect my values to create true life purpose, and I’m thrilled at the opportunity to work it all out. I know your physical limits reveal your mental limits so I’ve been inspired to climb Mount Kinabalu in Eastern Malaysia, Borneo. I’ve also enrolled on a whirlwind course in Bartenieff Fundamentals to find means to connect inwardly. Luckily through all of this I have been deeply in love with my now husband and I’m grateful for his care that sustains me.
My intention now is to be fully myself, to enjoy and embrace the changes ahead and do everything with mindfulness, conviction and trust in the process. To invite a new career into my life, to be true to myself and seek the source in order to center myself again and let go of what does not serve me anymore.
My advice is to stop running and give yourself a moment. Let your body be.
Meditate, welcome stillness. Breathing alone will get you through everything! Seek inspiration, take time to think and let life fill every inch of you.
Don’t trade in your authenticity, inhale the good stuff and exhale the bullsh*t! At the end of the day we are our choices and I chose to be me.