Did he just wake up one day and be like…
“I want to take a break”, “This is not working for me anymore”, “I don`t have much to offer you right now”, or “You deserve better cause am not always there for you”. The truth is, regardless of how much your partner tried to let you at ease when relaying the news, breakups hurt; they actually physically hurt!
But let`s face it, even before he uttered the words, there were some signs that the relationship was not going to work. Maybe it was just you feeling like an afterthought which saw you become nagging or had you racking your brain trying to figure out how to get his attention. Looking back, if you can shake the history hard enough, there were probably some red flags from the onset. During the first date. Red flags you just didn`t want to see. Did he trash talk other ladies? Was there some kind of coldness to him and the desire to be “kept”? Or maybe he was still hung up on his ex, she was actually still in his life, he was always there for her, always doing things for her, talking about her!
Aargh!
But hey, enough with the sad memories already. It`s time to move on and let past be just that – past. And guess what, you`re not in it alone. We will guide you on what to do to get over him graciously as you transition into a modern siren. A powerful lady with a high degree of difficulty. A queen who will be ready for that future love. It`s simple! You just need to…
One: Allow yourself to experience (fully) the jumbled up emotions
It`s common to feel low, confused, regret, anger, and vengeful after a breakup. This is especially if you are the one who got dumped or your partner happened to cheat on you. Regrettably, when these emotions arise, we tend to somaticize – stuffing them down into our body. This could be because we don`t want them or are scared to experience the feelings fully. Therefore, we will either ignore them or distract ourselves with TV, work, or social media.
The problem with somaticizing is, you may not be aware that you`re doing it and then, months down the line, you develop inexplicable headaches, backaches, fatigue, weakness, or worse a chronic illness. It`s that awful!
So, instead, learn to accept the situation. Easier said than done, right? Not at all. Admitting the truth, accepting the pain doesn`t cause suffering, it ends it.
In fact, you may think, ah, I don`t want to suffer, so you suppress the feelings. But by denying the reality, you end up causing or creating all the suffering and pain you`re trying to avoid in the first place. This`s due to building up of pent-up energy causing the stiff, achy, and diseased feeling.
Note, taking pain relievers & supplements, exercising, massages, or doing yoga are temporary solutions. They do not address the core problem, the heartbreak you`re somaticizing.
Two: Love yourself
While most individuals fail to understand the real meaning of the statement “you must love yourself”, others outrightly reject it! This`s unfortunate cause if you do not love yourself, it`ll be difficult to feel loved by someone else. You`ll lash out, criticize, and blame because deep down, you do not accept yourself for who you`re making it hard to accept others for who they are.
They say self-love is real love and they`re right. If you love yourself, it will be easy to deal with obstacles on your way – the heartbreak!
You won`t break down when he leaves or make the next guy your whole world. No, because you are your own person with self-love that breeds confidence, esteem, and sense of worth. These will, in turn, see you have a hobby, personal interests that you will focus on instead of clinging onto him. In short, with self-love, you can relax and enjoy the love you receive from others instead of worrying that they might lose interest or leave.
Note, loving yourself goes deeper than spending money on yourself, going for massages because you “deserve it”. It`s not trying too hard to be liked! And definitely, it`s not a steady fight in the search for a perfect relationship. These are, in fact, losing strategies. Why?
Well, in all, you`re seeking approval and love elsewhere other than from within where it really matters.
The good news is, loving yourself is way easy compared to doing too much to get someone else to love you. And, when you do, everything changes. You’ll face obstacles and challenges with integrity and honesty, which will boost your confidence around friends and family. Your life purpose and career will be transformed for you`ll be clear on what you love to do and how to do it- unapologetically. Your well-being, mental and general health will blossom as you`ll do what`s necessary to be healthy, and you’ll have the discipline and the self-respect to follow through the laid out health regimen. These positives will be inducted into your relationship life too.
Three: Get out of your comfort zone
Teach yourself how to whiten those teeth, how to grow your hair taller, how to whiten the whites of your eyes, how to arrange your living room, or whatever.
This`s the time to embrace your “me” time. Cultivate your personal interests. With time, take a class to enhance yourself. Join that salsa club you always wished to. Who knows, you might meet a love interest or a great friend in your cooking, swimming, or kickboxing class!
In doing this, you`ll gradually but surely be moving on from the relationship as you establish yourself without it.
Four: Focus on the progress rather than just being busy
According to Matthew Hussey, a relationship advisor…
For you to feel the pain of the loss of your significant other, you`ve to keep going back there in your mind. This is more so when idle, when going to bed at night alone and you`ve to think and process, or when something good is happening and you`re wishing you were sharing the moment with the person.
So, how do you get past this pain and quickly?
Many people and in fact, most relationship experts will have you believe that keeping busy and going for distraction is the best solution. But what will happen when you have time to think again? Your mind snaps straight back to the heartbreak, right?
Truth be told, distraction alone is not a recipe, a remedy for curing that heartache; making progress is. This could be on a course, a particular project, or piece of work you`re interested in.
Take rebound sex, for example, it can result in a momentarily relieve from the person, but there won`t be a long-term solution to moving on from him. Think about it, if the person you`re fooling around with won`t stick around, you don`t like him, or doesn`t match up to your ex, the rebound will and quickly give way to depression or an emotional hangover! That`s to say, distractions don`t help the situation they just take your mind off of the ache. Progress, on the other hand, actually moves you past the pain.
So, instead of looking for distractions, think of important things you can work on or invest in; stuff that will give you a sense of achievement. It`s this fulfillment that will breed confidence and the energy to take on other parts of your life. You`ll suddenly feel alive, like life matters, and your senses of possibilities will be awakened. With time, you`ll have gathered momentum to do what you`re passionate about and will have no time to think about your ex.
Five: Engage in an imaginary dialogue with your ex
Some opt for therapy, visiting salons or barber shops, however, engaging in a monologue talk where you imagine spilling all that rage, all that bitterness to your ex (as he listens attentively) will work wonders. Yes, there`s something therapeutic about feeling like you have been heard.
But first, be in connection with your emotions. (See point one above).
While at it, remember you`re not a saint either. Sorry, but you must have contributed to the relationship demise too, right? You`ve to appreciate that so as to figure out what went wrong in order to have the closure you really need. Try going over all the questions that you might be having from what went wrong to how you can be a better partner in the future. You`ll be amazed at how much valuable lessons you`ll draw from the ended relationship.
Most importantly though, be compassionate to yourself. Remember your esteem and ego are already hurting so, don`t make it worse!
Are you feeling a bit ready for that future love now?