I’m a huge believer in the power of gratitude. I’ve worked with cancer survivors whose gratitude for life’s little and big gifts astounds me. And I’ve worked with people blessed with so much, yet stymied because everything isn’t just right. Regularly focusing on gratitude makes everyone happier. And happier people are most often those living lives of love, meaning and purpose. Brené Brown, one of my favorite storyteller/researchers has worked on this very subject and has found that the happiest people actively think about things they are grateful for. They don’t wait for everything to be just right.
So what stops us? Why do we continue the quest for perfection before giving ourselves credit for small achievements? Perfectionism is actually an overzealous defense mechanism. Like rules, perfectionism is there to protect us. If things are perfect, then we aren’t vulnerable and if we avoid the enormous risk of making ourselves vulnerable, then we can’t fail. The problem is that it keeps us from feeling happy.
How did we get stuck in this rut? Most of us grew up with subconscious messages about how to live so that we would not be vulnerable to failure: “Do well in school and you’ll go to a good college; go to a good college and you’ll meet the right people; meet the right person and things will go just like it did for the Cleavers in ‘Leave it to Beaver’, and on and on.” We’ve seen how well that works. Making all of those right choices on paper and protecting ourselves from going for anything less than perfect was supposed to mean that we’d avoid pain, humiliation, or loneliness.
But life experience tells us that it just doesn’t work out that way. Life is like a perpetual whitewater rafting ride. Sometimes you are in the whitewater and excitement turns to fear or regret for even going on the ride. Then the whitewater passes and it’s calm — but we know that will change so we must be alert to what keeps us safe while also enjoying the thrill of the ride to come. Will we get knocked out of the boat? Will we be able to get ourselves out of the freezing cold and back to safety? We won’t know until we try and if we don’t try, then life isn’t all that thrilling.
Here are my three rules for living life well:
- Create a ritual of giving thanks daily. This can be for big things and should absolutely include those other things we often take for granted. One of my favorite times is the early morning when I go through the ritual of making my tea. Choose the cup, steep the tea until the color is just right, take in the aroma and warm my hands. I am thankful and I haven’t even taken a sip yet!
- You are what you think. It is your beliefs, thoughts and intentions that form the basis for everything you do and how you show up at home and at work. The actions you take and decisions you make are based upon how you think of yourself. Make a choice to view things realistically, but on the positive side of the equation. If your thinking hasn’t served you, shift your thoughts. It’s difficult, but it’s effective. Give it a try.
- Grab those opportunities when they present themselves. Some have called this ‘The Secret.’ But there is really no secret to it at all. What you put forth into the world will come back to you. And this only happens when you take the risk of being vulnerable and maybe even failing. What is something you have avoided for fear of failure? Block out your critics, follow your intuition and go for it.
Choose to be happy! Be well.