Why can’t I move on?
Closure following the breakdown of a relationship involves honest, healthy, non-judgmental communication that helps with letting go.
These types of relationships so hard to heal from.
The damage caused, puts you in to a state of confusion, you had no idea the abuse was taking place; and like Chinese water torture, it happened very slowly and it turned you insane!
During the relationship you told everyone how amazing they were; so when it ended they are confused and well.
They may ask you ‘what happened, you were so happy’ and you don’t know.
When relationships end they can be painful, particularly if one person didn’t realise there were problems. In normal relationships if can cause hurt and confusion.
But this wasn’t a normal relationship.
Being denied CLOSURE when you’re breaking up, is unhealthy: it’s damaging, destructive and controlling.
There is that word again… CONTROLLING!
… POWER AND CONTROL!
These two seem to run hand in hand…
Relationship closure involves HONEST, HEALTHY, NON-JUDGEMENTAL COMMUNICATION.
Relationships breakdown for so many different reasons.
It could be you drifted apart, or what you found attractive in someone at the beginning of the relationship you no longer do. It could be that work has made it difficult due to hours or distance.
Perhaps your feelings have changed and you may still like them, but you are not in love with them. At the beginning of a relationship we get healthy doses of Oxytocin making us feel loved, this is what helps us create a bond with another person. Once the initial honeymoon period is over you settle in to a relationship and you realise you aren’t as compatible as you first thought you were.
Healthy people are able to acknowledge that it isn’t working and why. It might be painful but closure for both parties is helpful in moving on.
But this relationship was different.
The ending of this relationship is very painful.
They created a strong bond with you during the repeated Love Bombing and when it no longer suits them they walk away.
The bond is so strong and the withdrawal so painful, that you look for ways of getting the relationship back, and to where you where at the beginning of the relationship. Where it was safe and you felt loved and valued. On average a person goes back 7-8 times before the final discard or they have had enough and walk away.
You may go into a cycle of ‘what if’ and ‘if only’… Trying to understand where you went wrong, replaying situations and conversations if you had done something differently or said something else it would have ended?.
In an attempt to understand you may still in contact with them, you maybe trying to get back to that place where you believed you were both happy, offering to do anything or put up with anything.
The truth is, the pain of being out of the relationship hurts more, than the pain you were suffering in it. You have a gaping hole in your Soul that nothing will fill…
You need answers to gain closure!
…And sadly you won’t get that from them.
There are a few reasons for this; they are the victim, your behaviour has caused the breakup of the relationship. They are getting attention from their friends, family, work colleagues, person next to them on the bus or train, why would they give that up? You are supplying them with attention, they don’t care if it is negative or positive, it’s attention! All the time you are in pain, confused and asking questions, the focus is on them.
Another reason you won’t get closure from them is because they have no empathy, they can’t put themselves in your shoes or even attempt to understand the pain you are in. They do get hurt, but they react with rage.
Also they enjoy knowing that they have caused this pain, it proves to themselves how powerful they are and the amount of control they still have over you.
Giving you closure would not serve them in any way.
They would be giving up the attention they claim they don’t want from you, and they would be handing you, back the power and control of your life.
When you do try to reason with them and highlight some of their behaviour, they may ask you why you would say such awful things to them.
And it works really well for them when you are going crazy, because they can show people how your behaviour was the reason they could no longer be in a relationship with you.
This was a gift and I know you can’t see it at the moment as you cry through the pain, but it is.
This is a beautiful gift and you when you are ready you will discover why.
The first step is understanding what happened, the confusion and the crazy making has your mind, body and soul in a frenzy of not knowing what is right or wrong. What to believe or not to believe AND THEN you find the term Narcissist and BINGO…
Are they a Narcissist, sociopath or a psychopath? It all starts to make sense now…
I want to realise we are all on this spectrum, just some people are further up the scale than others and secondly, your ex partner can’t take responsibility for the role they played in the relationship, they are not going to get diagnosed so its about accepting what happened.
It is time to move away from being the victim and stepping in to reclaiming your power!
You have been through hell, you may still be there…
Once you have discovered what has been going on you are going to need to reprogram yourself.
You may still find yourself protecting the abuser and this is really common.
During the love bombing they put themselves in the place of carer, they took over your life, bonded you to them and put them themselves in a place of power. They made sure you disconnected from your friends and family so you are now feeling very very lonely…
Mentally you may need to calm your mind! You may have experienced Gaslighting, which is a covert way of distorting another person’s perception of reality and it makes you think that you’re actually going crazy, because you believed their version of events.
Gaslighting is really dangerous, it creates feelings of insecurity, confusion and brain fog.
Physically your body might be under a lot of stress.
There is a gift, and that gift is healing the wound, and this might not just be from your ex partner. It might take you all the way to your childhood – It would be a wound of abandonment or a wound of shame or a wound of guilt. This gift might be reclaiming and healing an inner child or even a few of them.
First you need to start calming down the body. Disconnecting on every level. One thing you will find helpful is to write out your story, warts and all! Keep in the forefront of your mind all the areas where their behaviour was wrong. All the times you forgave them for hurting you. All the times you knew you should have walked away but you didn’t.
You have been tricked in to believing your behaviour was the reason the relationship failed, you need to realise this was another lie, but you do need to take responsibility for the role you played.
I promise you, if you take responsibility for your healing and the wound or wounds, by dedicating time to do this you are going to feel amazing and your relationships are going to change.
This is the gift!
The gift is self love!
The gift is realising where this has been happening in other relationships in your life.
I know you may not see it at the moment, its raw, it hurts and you believe it is all your fault.
For each emotion you feel, find out when you have felt this before, it might be the realisation the future was fake or the pain of wondering if they ever really did love you.
I promise you the gift of time you are giving yourself you will get back 100 fold!
I know it might not feel like it, but it is… And, get your closure from knowing you will move on to more fulfilling relationships and they will still be the hollow shell that can’t be loved.
As you raise your vibration those around you heal as well!
You can watch my YouTube video here