Thrive Diary//

How I Thrive: Gabby Bernstein on How to Attract the Life You Want

The New York Times best-selling author and life coach shares how to set your day up for success, reframe negative thinking, and achieve your goals.

Gabby Bernstein believes we all have the power to attract the life we want. The #1 New York Times best-selling author of The Universe Has Your Back and five additional best sellers, Bernstein was featured on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday as a “next-generation thought leader,” and The New York Times named her “a new role model.” In her latest book, Super Attractor: Methods for Manifesting a Life beyond Your Wildest Dreams, Bernstein wants to help readers stop working so hard to get what they want.

In Bernstein’s view, we’re all “super attractors” whether we realize it or not. And we are often attracting what we don’t want. “So if we believe that things are not working out in our life, or that we are in a place or lacking, then we’re going to continue to perpetuate that core issue,” Bernstein explains. If we can shift our mindset and reframe to be more positive in our beliefs and desires, then that is what we will attract: more possibilities for abundance, and more opportunities, she says.

Within minutes of arriving at Thrive’s office to film her “How I Thrive” video, she has enveloped several staffers in a warm embrace and made an effort to connect with each and every person who crossed her path. Shortly after meeting her, I’ve shared some very personal feelings and experiences, she has begun to craft a plan on how to help me attract my goals.   

Here, Bernstein shares some secrets that help her thrive, opening up about her experience with postpartum anxiety, how motherhood helped with her organization and prioritization skills, and why self-care is the most important thing we all need to do every day. Plus, she lets us in on a guaranteed way you can shift negative thinking that you can try right now.

Thrive Global: What is your morning routine and how does it help you thrive?

Gabby Bernstein: My morning routine definitely sets me up for success. It’s very, very routinized now, because it begins with an alarm named Oliver. My 8-month-old child opens my day with his, “Get me out of the crib,” mantra. So I get my baby out of the crib. I am very blessed to have a very hands-on husband and he will give the baby a bottle and prepare him for the next phase of his day. I then take myself up to my office, I will lie down on my sofa and do a 20 minute transcendental meditation (TM), then I do another 20 minute tapping meditation. Tapping is an emotional freedom technique. I am currently tapping on rage right now, which is good because it’s making me feel free, and it’s making me feel so good each morning, and setting me up to win, and healing my body. 

We have so much unfelt rage and anger inside and then we manifest that in our body, because we don’t want to deal with that unconscious rage. If you can do anything during the day — whether you begin your day with journaling and just get it out onto the page, a meditation, a tapping meditation — anything that you can do to clear any anxiety, anger, or rage before you begin your day, you can absolutely trust that the rest of your day will be hooked up. 

TG: What happens if you don’t have the time in the morning? 

GB: If I know that I have to get out the door earlier and I won’t have that window in the morning, then I will wake up at 5:00 a.m. and do it then. I actually think that becoming a mother has made my morning routine stronger. For all the moms out there that say, “Oh, I don’t have time for myself,” I get it but, I make that time. If I can’t have my husband help me in the morning ,or if I’m going to have to get the baby out earlier because I have to travel, I just wake up at 5:00, and I make it happen and I won’t miss it. Because if I don’t do that, then the rest of the day will not flow.

TG: What is your parenting style like, and how do you deal with “mom shamers” who feel like there is a right way to parent?

GB: I think I mom the same way I create a lecture outline. When I create a lecture outline to give a talk, or even a book outline, it’s really, really clear. I know exactly where I’m going. There’s a lot of steps along the way. But then I can riff within the steps. And so that’s how I believe I parent. I like routine. I find freedom in it. So I put him in a very routine schedule — bottles and naps, and food, and bottles and naps, and food and then we do beats, bath, bottle, bedtime. Then, I can riff within the outline. If something doesn’t happen the way that I wanted it to, or the day goes a little later, or the nap happens a little bit later, I can be more and more flexible as the months go on. Trust me, I wasn’t in the beginning.

But there’s no right or wrong way to parent. You have to do what’s right for you, what you in your soul know is right for you. And this mom shaming is unacceptable to me. So moms, you do you.

TG: In Super Attractor, you write about “pushers” — people who feel they need to be louder and more aggressive to get ahead. But that that energy is actually blocking their ability to attract. How can people be successful and feel like they are advancing without being 

GB: So in Super Attractor, I talk a lot about how we can do less and attract more. And I am a former pusher. I am a control freak in recovery. I’m going to be very honest with you all about the truth. What I’ve come to accept and see in full form is that the more I relax, the less I do, the more I receive. Ultimately bottom line, period. Doesn’t mean that I don’t show up for life. So you know you’re a pusher when you’re trying to control your circumstances, or you’re trying to make something happen, or you’re thinking about the future so much that you can’t be in the present moment. And that pushy energy is not a positive vibration for receiving. So ultimately when we’re in that frantic energy, do people want to work with you? No. Does your husband want to cuddle with you? No. So what we want to do is start to accept first that we can achieve a lot more when we slow down, when we take our time, when we enjoy the moments of the experiences that we’re having. That may mean taking some things off your list. That may mean changing your attitude a little bit. That may mean that you have to begin to open up to new ways of doing things. 

TG: How can we reframe our negative thoughts? 

GB:  I have a really great method called the Choose Again method. This is a method for anyone who wants to reframe the way that they think, and reframe their fear-based thoughts. If you want to feel better, if you want to have a different perspective, this is for you. We want to slow down the momentum of that spiral thought. And so when we do that, we use this Choose Again method.  

  1. The first step of the Choose Again method is to witness the thought, and call it out: “Here’s my fear again.” And ask yourself, “How is this thought making me feel?” Because the second you notice the feeling you recognize, “Oh, this isn’t working for me. This isn’t right. This isn’t actually a way to stay on top of things.” 
  2. The second step is to forgive yourself for having the thought, and forgive the thought altogether. So you really have to practice radical forgiveness, and allow yourself the opportunity to just release the story. Let yourself off the hook for going back into it. And just be a little free about the fact, “Okay, this is a pattern and I keep going back. But I forgive myself. I forgive the thought.”
  3. The third step is the most important. When we Choose Again, we just reach for the next best-feeling thought. So you’re not going to go from, “I’m in debt,” to, “I’m a millionaire.” But you can go from, “I’m in debt,” to, “I have a friend that might have a job opportunity.” Or, “I know that if I spend some creative time working on my projects, I can open up new possibilities.” So you reach for that next best-feeling thought. And sometimes it’s, “I’m going to have lunch. And that would be fun.” So whatever it is that’s feeling better than the thought you were in, you choose again.

If you want to stop focusing on what’s not working, you have to use the Choose Again method. You have to witness that you’re out of alignment with your thoughts. You have to forgive the thought, and choose again. Period. It’s got to be a proactive thing, because our fear will speak first and will be the loudest voice in the room. So we have to allow ourselves to get into a habit and a ritual of choosing again.

TG: What are some of the ways that you find helpful to stay organized?

GB: Having a child actually helped me get more organized. I was not that organized. I actually had a pretty free flowing vibe throughout my life. I would work at different, random times. I would exercise at different random times. Now I’m on a good schedule, because this child’s on a schedule, I’m on his schedule. It’s really allowed me to get more organized, stay on top of my day, make sure that I’m using those pockets of time that I have that are free and not judging myself for them. I am now unapologetically taking major time for self-care. I am unapologetic about this, because I believe that I can’t do the big work in the world that I want to do unless I take care of myself first. So that self-care time is a huge part of the schedule I create throughout the day.

TG: What are some of the things that you incorporate in terms of your self-care?

TG: I will take an hour to exercise if I can. Maybe even an hour and a half if I have the time. Yoga, I’ll do Pilates, I’ll do a sculpting class, I’ll walk. Anything I can do to move my body. The self-care time is my second TM meditation in the afternoon. Self-care can also consist of just eating a meal slowly. Self-care is just sometimes just looking out the window. That seems strange, but it’s probably one of the most beneficial things you can do.

I love that metaphor of, you’ve got to put your oxygen mask on first. The only way we can truly give and truly show up is if we are a foundation that’s strong. We’re here to be compassionate and kind, and loving. That is definitely what we are meant to be doing daily, because it also fills us up. Obviously it’s contributing to the world, but if we’re giving from a place of lack, we’re just going to continue to empty the bucket.

TG: We spend a lot of our time at work. What if we aren’t happy in our current careers. Is there a way to shift that mindset?

GB: If somebody is in a job that they don’t like and they want to make a leap, the first thing to do is start to appreciate the current situation, the current circumstances. This has sounded so strange to people like, “Wait. But if I appreciate this, then I’m going to stay stuck there.” It’s actually quite the opposite. If you appreciate the situation you’re in, you’re going to raise your energy. As soon as you raise your energy, you become receptive for new opportunities. So let’s say you start having a better attitude on the job and somebody notices that, and they’re leaving for another job, they bring you with them. Or you get a new opportunity at that existing job. Your attitude is what will dictate your future career. So what is it that you’re showing up with? What is the energy that you’re showing up with? And if you focus on appreciation, you’re far faster out the door than if you’re sitting there mad all day.

TG:  How do you cope when you feel stressed?

GB: I have a zero stress tolerance in my life. The more I say to myself, “I have a zero stress tolerance. I will not accept stress in my life,” the more committed I am to the practices that keep me relaxed. Stress for me creates gut inflammation. It creates big GI problems and back pain. It creates turbulence within my marriage, my career, my team. I can’t be the light that I want to be in the world. And neither can you if you are allowing stress to take you down. So I’m going to invite you on this zero stress tolerance journey with me, because we have to commit.

We need to become conscious of the things that trigger our stress and prepare ourselves before those things happen. When I’m about to launch a book, I know it’s going to be a stressful time. So what can I do? I can amp up my meditation practice. I can feel my feelings. I can journal about it. I can write about it. I can feel it more. I can talk to my team, prepare myself. So you’ve got to take your stress incredibly seriously, because stress is a silent killer. It will send you into panic. It will abuse your body. And we have to make it a high priority to not allow ourselves to get to that state.

TG: You’ve been really vocal about your postpartum journey, opening up a dialogue around postpartum anxiety and depression. Can you share what has been helpful to you?

GB: God blessed me with this very, very dark night of the soul for me, which was postpartum anxiety — a form of postpartum depression and insomnia. I’m feeling a lot better, but it was the darkest moment of my life — and I’m a woman who has remembered trauma. I am a woman who has had to fall to my knees and get sober at 25. I’ve had some dark bottoms. I can safely say my darkest bottom was the postpartum. So parents out there, being a parent is no joke. Number one for people preparing for parenthood, just make sure that you have your self-care practices on lockdown, and you’re ready to drop into them whenever you can.

If you’re feeling like this is a little bit more than just being a worried new mom, please seek counseling. 

TG: What is your mantra for when you feel overwhelmed?

GB: My go to mantra when I’m overwhelmed is: “Everything is happening around me. I am truly taken care of.”

TG: What about when you feel happy or grateful?

GB: My mantra when I’m happy or grateful is, “Feel more of it.” I was in the back of the car yesterday, and I started just looking at my son. I was in the back with him and my husband was driving. And I just felt this feeling that I hadn’t felt in so long of just ease. And so instead of just blowing past it and picking up my phone and going on Instagram, I just sat and marinated in that feeling and felt more of it, and felt more of it, and felt more of it. So if I’m feeling good, my mantra is, “I want to feel more.”

Join Gabby on her Super Attractor Book TourSuper Attractor is a manifesto for confidently claiming your desires. You’ll accept that life can flow, attracting is fun, and that you don’t have to work so hard to get what you want. You’ll discover how to tap into an infinite source of abundance, energy, joy, and well-being. This book will make manifesting effortless!

Directed by Matt Kwiecinski

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