Testing the limits

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Photo by Matt Artz on Unsplash

After 6 years it is over.

I ended it. She told me to f*** off a while back when I said no to something she asked me to do – she apologized- but it hasn’t been the same since, at least not for me. Weeks later she was a female dog (her words) at work, admitted it and once again, apologized. The verbal outbursts continued but I kept my mouth shut and just swallowed it. It ultimately became easier to just do what she wanted and not question and although deep down I despised doing it, I did it all in the name of being headlined a good friend.

She would use the word ‘need’ when saying things like “I need you to..” as if it was an order and not an ask. She would also ask me to do things using the words “Can you…” but her tone of voice always held something underneath. She did say thank you when I helped her with things or dropped her off at the end of our night which tells me she appreciated it, but should that automatically allow the negative behavior? Should the positives and negatives be allowed to happen because they cancel each other out?

Five weeks ago – six at the time this will be published-, when I did not want to go to her father’s birthday she asserted that it was rude to say no to things and that I needed to take etiquette lessons. That is when I disconnected virtually. Many many things occurred after that but that is when I realized that when I said no, two things happened: 1) it was usually followed by a higher pitched “why not” as if “no” was not enough of an answer and 2) she goes for the cutting comments like she did when I sent her the email that I was over her (insert 4 letter word).

As a lover of analysis, I wonder what in her life has made her dislike hearing the word “no” or maybe it was a problem hearing it from me. I wonder what in her life has made her feel rejected to the point where she needed to lash out in that way. A trait that I have always despised in people is when they take other problems they are having and infuse that into the venom they spew at you. I understand why it happens but do not think it should become a constant.

Photo by ORNELLA BINNI on Unsplash

Friendship is quite an interesting idea. I’m really not sure whether the word has any place in my vocabulary anymore despite Facebook telling me otherwise. What I will call the people in my life now I am not sure but the word ‘friend’ feels tainted now. It does not hold the weight for me that it used to.

One of my quotes from my 2014 book, Radiant Love, was “A real friendship has been created when anything can be said and the heart remains”. Now of course I did not mean anything but it is words of mine that I am now questioning. We all have limits and one of those limits for me is putting me in a position where, as an accomplice, I do something illegal. I am not that girl. I am, however, the girl who goes back to the register because the cashier did not scan one of the items. I am the girl who believes in morals. I am the girl who believes in a higher power/karma and judgement day. I am a girl of a different cloth in that regard.

It does not mean I did not care but it does mean that I value my own soul enough to say adios to something that is not working. I value my own soul enough to say adios to the unevenness of the relationship.

It is situations like these where roses initially bloom and then either slowly or rapidly wilt, that test our strength and resilience. It is situations like these that make us hold a mirror to ourselves and ask whether we will allow the behavior and if we do, what it ultimately says about who we are. It is situations like these that allow us to grow and thrive. 

Update: She contacted me the other day and began talking as if nothing had happened, as if words have no meaning or value.  Only three words came out of shocked mouth: yep, uh huh and no. 

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