For me, it usually comes natural, especially with the people I love. I get mad and I might blow things out of proportion because something pisses me off, but I forgive fast.
Sometimes though forgiveness doesn’t want to let go and wants to stay, linger, poison my soul.
I thought I forgave my first grown-up boyfriend.
Well, when I was calling him an asshole and re-hashing the whole history of us to my mom 15 minutes after we had seen him in a supermarket, it took me by surprise. I didn’t realize I was still bitter towards him. And that 6 years after we broke up.
The whole thing was something from the movies.
I was looking for curry paste which we certainly don’t have in our supermarket in a small town in Ukraine and while I was trying to understand what was written on this jar in front of me (I wasn’t wearing my glasses), my mom called for me from the other end of the store. I was annoyed and yelled “wait”, she yelled “come here” and the next thing you know I turn in different direction and he was basically in my face, looking down at me with his eyes and saying “hi”. I said “hi” and skipped to the other side, other shelves.
“What the hell was that?”
I thought I wasn’t breathing there for a sec.
I felt nothing. Except maybe pity.
And a smidge of regret. Because however I’m used to it all, our story and how awful he treated me, I still wish I hadn’t been as gullible, as naive, as desperate for some semblance of affection.
I hadn’t cared for him for a long long time.
But I was pissed as we rode home on our bikes with Mom.
“How could he?” wasn’t the question anymore. He’s a pig. Obviously.
It was more “how could I?” let myself and “how could I?” everything else.
But nevertheless, I truly forgave him a long time ago. He wouldn’t care most probably, but holding grudges takes a toll on a person, so I decided not to make myself feel worse because he’s a royal dick.
The thing with forgiveness is once you forgive them it’s over. You were in the situation, you came out of it, made mistakes, he did too, drew up conclusions and moved on. That’s where you release the burden. Forever. His and yours.
Thank God, I’ve released all my burdens and I don’t carry any bad blood in me. I’ve dealt with most of my pain. Maybe some of it will come back and haunt me, maybe there will be a new one but so far I forgave.
The easiest to forgive are the people you love. Weirdly enough there isn’t even a question there. You forgive as you go. It might screw with you later in life but you forgive. I forgive. I understand that we all have demons we deal with and since I am human too, the least I can do is cut the people I love some slack.
I love them no matter what.
One bad deed doesn’t a bad human make.
Mahatma Gandhi said: “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong”.
I won’t say the typical Natalie thing here: “Not that I think I am strong…blah blah blah”, I will say this:
Yes. I am strong as hell. I went through all kinds of shit and I’ve grown through it, I’ve become wiser through it, and I’ve understood that there is nothing there I can’t do.
Tough times when we think we can’t possibly survive make us.
Tough times when we think we can’t breathe because of the emotions overflow is what trains us.
I believe in forgiveness because it is the most rational thing to do.
There is no doubt in my heart that forgiveness is the way. For me, it is still difficult to forgive myself but I’ll get to it.
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