Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
~Mark Twain
I wasted years asking myself the question, ‘How do I get past all the hurt and the trauma, the shame and the blame, forgive all these people who have wronged me, and move forward in life?’ I spent years and put in a whole lot of work, attended numerous seminars, met and worked with many spiritual masters, and read and studied almost every self-help book out there.
So much of my energy was spent either on regret, or on blame. I was consumed by sadness and sorrow as the feelings of lack and loss overwhelmed me. Holding onto old hurts and reliving past scenarios was draining me.
It wasn’t until I stepped away from the world, shutting myself for months in solitude away from all the outside noise, to write my memoir that the message finally hit home. I was able to reconcile with the fact that everyone did the best they could with the knowledge they had, based on where they were at their own level of consciousness.
I was able to understand and feel compassion, to bless them and forgive them. And in the process I learnt to forgive myself and let go of expectations, not only of others but also of myself.
It became apparent to me why hurt people hurt people. The reality is as human beings we all have our weaknesses, and as long as we’re interacting with each other while living in this world, we’re going to be hurt. The trick is to learn how we can move past those hurts, forgive and move forward.
Forgiveness does not mean that one ignores the other person’s wrongdoing, nor does it mean that one approves of what happened. Forgiveness frees oneself to move forward in life.
Forgiveness isn’t just a blessing you deliver to another human being. It’s a gift you give yourself. It is like a muscle that you have to keep growing… a process that can either take a lifetime, or mere minutes. All depends on how ready you are and the choices you make.
How can one speed thru this process and forgive?
1. Feel the hurt
Contrary to how society has taught us to ignore our feelings, forgiveness is a process. The more you repress your anger and your hurt, the pain, the shame, and the guilt, the more you will project these, because now you have allowed your feelings to fester deep into your subconscious.
Give yourself permission to feel the feelings. Or else you will be stuck in the past, buried in all the pain of the betrayal, all the anger from those who have hurt you. Instead of acknowledging the hurt you have opted to live in denial and to repress your feelings. Instead of seeing the world as it is you go thru life seeing the world as you are, thru a filter that is created by all the pain, the shame, the guilt, and the anger that you have repressed.
And how can you express your feelings? Pour your heart out in a journal. Talk about it with a close friend. Go on a solitary walk in the woods and talk it out loud to yourself, or better still scream the energy out of your system.
2. Understand the person and the situation
Rather than judging someone as bad, try walking in their shoes to better understand why they did what they did, or behaved the way they had. All human beings behave according to their own personal reality. They have created their own story about you, and are living from their narrative about the way the world is working. If they attacked you, cheated you, abused you, or betrayed you, it’s because in their mind they truly believe that you did something that gave them permission to mistreat you. It might have been a totally false assumption but they reacted based on their best understanding of reality. They were stuck in their assumption, in their core belief and understanding, and in their own pain.
3. Communicate your feelings
Communicate with those who need to be forgiven versus condoning their unhealthy behavior. Speak your truth even though you’re upset. Don’t judge them, don’t attack them, just communicate with them with loving kindness. Tell them how you feel, what you have observed. They may not understand you, and may even feel upset. By verbalizing your feelings and extending your hand of peace, you may face rejection, and perhaps realize that this is a lost cause. Thru failed attempts you may even come to the conclusion that it is best to walk away from the person.
Regardless, speak your truth. By speaking your truth you are demonstrating self-respect and bravery. Remember that it is thru our words and our communication that we teach people how to treat us.
4. Live in the Present Moment
Only by releasing the past are you able to move forward and create your future. The present moment is where all the creativity, energy, peak health, exponential productivity and miracles live. It is where you want to be at all times. You never want to live in the past. So many people have repressed past hurts and even though they put up a pleasant and a happy front, if you just scratch the surface you will find pain, rage, shame and guilt. And behind it all you will see their sadness. Because they do not release all of the sadness from all their hurts they choose to continue to live in their history versus living in the moment.
You see, no matter what you hear, or what others tell you, until you work thru your own stuff and your own message hits home and reaches the innermost core of your being, you will not be able to move forward in life. This is work that only you can do.
You have a choice: either to leave your best creativity, productivity and impact on the table of broken dreams by staying stuck in the past, continue to stay angry at those who have hurt you and wronged you, or you can forgive and get busy following your vision and changing the world.
“Half of life is lost in charming others.
The other half is lost going through anxieties caused by others.
Leave this play, you have played enough.”
~Rumi
© Rani St. Pucchi, 2018
Rani St. Pucchi is an award-winning Couture Fashion Designer, a Style & Image Consultant, and a Relationship Expert. She is a Bestselling Author, a Speaker, an Inspirational Coach and a Trainer. Her recent TEDx talk: Is Your Body Image Holding You Back has received worldwide acclaim. Rani’s #1 International Bestselling Books, Your Body, Your Style: Simple Tips on Dressing to Flatter Your Body Type ; The SoulMate Checklist: Keys to Finding Your Perfect Partner; and Your Bridal Style: Everything You Need to Know to Design the Wedding of Your Dreams are available on Amazon and at Barnes & Nobles. Her memoir, Unveiled: A Celebrity Fashion Designer’s Story will be released in 2019.
For more information on Rani please visit www.ranistpucchi.com