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For The First Time In a Long Time

I remember the day

I remember the day … the first time in quit a long time I looked at my heart beating, I could even feel it beating.

Sounds strange right? But when you have been sexually abused as a child, your heart may seem to be miles away from you.

I’ve talked about my heart before, the irony of the fact that I could not use it yet, my heart was heavily scared and bruised.

These scars however remind me of a very dark time in my life, I look at my heart beating, touch my heart beating and feel like I won. Like I have one less battle to fight.

At it’s worst, the fragile heartbeat brought on wicked strange things, anxiety, and frightening nightmares.

I was in a really bad spot to be honest.

Notice how am writing in the past tense? Because all these things exist only in the past now. Today i can look at the scars and feel no pain. Today’s battles might be counted as wins tomorrow, maybe even losses.

There’s no guarantee that things will get better or easier but i promise you that the wait gets more bearable when you train yourself to believe.

Believe and then believe some more for tomorrow, your wounds will be scars; personal medals that validate your strength and resilience. Strength you’ll need the next time life happens.

During most times nowadays I reflect on words … and focus on the heartbeat.

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People look for retreats for themselves, in the country, by the coast, or in the hills . . . There is nowhere that a person can find a more peaceful and trouble-free retreat than in his own mind. . . . So constantly give yourself this retreat, and renew yourself.

- MARCUS AURELIUS

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