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Finding My Excalibur Queen

The Power of Being a Free Agent Woman

The months of March, April and May are my patriotic favorites, as our nation recognizes National Women’s Month, National Sexual Assault Awareness Month and National Mental Health Awareness Month, respectively. These three honorariums-in-sequence are poignantly important at this time in social history, as the #METOO movement and sexual assault convictions bring justice to abused, harassed and exploited women and girls coping with the mental and physical after-affects of violence.

Within this three month umbrella, I’ve committed to sharing a 3-part series, dotted with poetic prose, that shares insights from my own Excalibur Queen journey; a trek of healing from early in life sexual assault and the mountain top climb into personal power along the way. This individual queen’s journey has been the most important milestone of justice in my sexual assault healing, at least for me.  My autobiographical play, Journey of The Hummingbird Minister, and its accompanying poetry and 16-piece art installation, are the outward expression of the transformation experience spanning some 16 years. 

This first article, The Excalibur Queen: The Power of Being a Free Agent Woman, speaks to a mindset that every 21st century woman can develop and use to realize her own free agent empowerment.  The opening poem, Drink from This Cup, sets the stage with a turning point moment of self respect.

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DRINK FROM THIS CUP

I am not sure when or how it all happened, but lately, my vagina has seemed like a beautiful chalice made for a queen.

It is pure like silver now, and its royalty is clear. I’ve fallen in love with it, my crystal of God and what she longs for, now, is only elite treatment.

Like a final firing of virgin gold-plated glass, The learning has been slow to burn. Looking back, I can see what the time has yielded; a wholeness that simply could not be reached with anyone else but me.

It’s drinking from was worth the waiting for – and if she and me are alone the rest of our lives, we will be well.

Finally free and clear from idol images; Heaven waits there.

This Golden Temple of the Feminine; Cup of the Divine.

———

 JUST GET THERE.

For the first time in my 56 years, I can finally embrace that I am a Free Agent Woman in multiple ways.  Settling into that notion awakens a sense of ownership of my life, and presents  hard questions about what “creating my life” really means. If me, and only me, is responsible for the conditions of my life and the realization of my hopes and dreams – what must I let go of and what must I learn in order to do so?  Moreover, what will I risk in order to get there? 

These, I have discovered, are the tough questions I process every day; because the real power of being a free agent woman comes from the relentless inner and outer work of pushing into my greater potential

In truth, I have longed to be a free agent woman (and the mentality that I envision accompanies it) all of my life. But recent years of intention personal growth has amped up her arrival.  As a child, I was inspired by the independent women of television found on shows like Mary Tyler Moore, That Girl, and Elvira Mistress of the Dark.  Yet, prior to the age of 40, social norms, rooted beliefs and familial mores discouraged my free agent self. Eventually, however, through maturity and aging, she found me and insisted I become.  More.

To be free agent woman means different things to each woman; for me, it is evidenced in several core key qualities, or standards, for empowerment:

Self Determine:  My life and my choices are in my hands.  Life as a woman no longer requires the care, or over-care, of children, partners or dependents; single or partnered, I have moved into my ‘self determining’ shift and know that no other person can fill the void or create the life I want  – other than myself.

Sharpen and Trust the Authentic Voice:  Learning to know and trust my truth and its accompanying inner voice has been forged through a dynamic PTSD healing journey; inclusive of the active shedding of thought patterns, relationships, and beliefs that no longer serve my greatest good.

Work With Pain as a Teacher:  I am strong enough, and have learned enough, to sit with emotional turmoil and turn it into a learning and growth experience within time.  Pain is the tension that pushes me to learn and sharper my ability to find peace and joy, again.

Embrace Evolving Sensuality:  Sensuality is a driving force in my evolution as a free agent women and represents a continuum of enjoyment and pleasure derived from experiences of beauty, creativity, sexuality, connection and deep wonder.  This broader perspective on my sensual self is the true nectar I must feed in order to fly; sensuality feeds my feminine soul and expands the richness of life.   

Claim Your Territory:   Perhaps my most challenging truth to realize as a single women is that I am the only one responsible for my professional and financial success.  I have the right to assert my skills and abilities, and be paid what I am worth.

Strengthen the Joyful Bonds of Sisterhood:  Plain and simple – I cannot survive life without the in-person, hands on presence of women friends.  They sustain me, guide me, push me, and love me, failures and all.  As I age, high quality friends are my priority.

I want to be her, don’t you? 

Looking at these free agent pillars of overcoming and becoming, I am inclined to believe they are growth strategies that would benefit all women, wherever they are on the queendom-making journey.  But none of these milestones can be realized without one essential skill:  honest self-reflection.

JUST FACE IT.

Moving into my free agent style has been catapulted with support tools; therapy, Reiki, art, poetry, dance, essential oils, professional growth, nutritional improvement and a thirst for spiritual growth. But the primary catalyst to my ‘Mary Tyler Moore’ has been basic truth telling; primarily, to myself.  At its simplest, this is the human skill of self reflection and without it we are doomed to perpetual immaturity.

Self reflection and learning is inherent in most human beings; but, not everyone wants to see the truth of things, especially on subjects sensitive and close to home.  Driven by a lack of insight and subconscious fears, denial is how we think we can escape change which, of course, is an illusion. 

However, self-reflection is really a joyful process, as I have discovered through a daily meditation practice.  In this honest sacred time, enjoyed for nearly 20 years, I let it all hang out – the real me, my truths, my fears, my feelings, my desires, my failures, all of me.  And sometimes, it isn’t pretty.  And in that dedicated time to learning, I get stronger.  With special readings and prayer, I use this time of personal reflection to get the insight I need on the steps I need to take and things I need to let go of in order to create my dreams come true.

Once empowered with this greater awareness, all the working tools are in place for women to live as powerful free agent change agents in the Universe.

————-

Me and Mother Nature

There is a private life of a woman that is so deep and so full of caverns, so steamy and mysterious and compacted with creatures not usually seen that she, herself, overlooks its great splendor and inherent pulsation.

Felt more than seen, moving in sync with earth’s internal pressures and deriving from an unknown Force.

No matter how this enigma reveals itself, shows herself to the world, there is holiness there in those subtle dark places.

Hovering with night life; reclusing at the right moment when her tsunami arrives.

———–

JUST CLAIM IT.

Like Excalibur, I have pulled that sword of my potential from the mythical stone and I doubt anything can stop the momentum now.  With tools in hand, there really is no more excuse; all that is left is to keep pushing forward to claim my royal rights, even if tired.  Imagine what society would be like if each woman claimed her available Excalibur.

Somewhere in this recipe of living as a free agent woman has been the evolution of my queen, a term with which I’ve never been fully comfortable.  As of late, however, I have been feeling into the idea; what would queen feel, look, stand, speak, rule and make love like?  While I still have much to learn, some part of me knows that owning this queens’ place is where the good stuff really is and exactly how I want to live the balance of my years.

Master of what is mastering me, and ruler of my potential.

—–

The next feature, Excalibur Queen: Shedding the Disguise, will be offered in April. Happy National Women’s Month, all you powerful women!  As a creative tool for advancing prevention and raising community awareness, my hope is that The Hummingbird gives wings of freedom to all survivors of trauma.

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