Failed Relationships and Heartbreaks

“Breaking up is hard to do”

~Song by Neil Sedaka that was released in 1962 pretty much sums up how one feels when a relationship ends.

It’s a phrase that has been uttered by countless people who have experienced heartbreak and struggled to recover from broken relationships.

Failed relationships and heartbreaks can take a toll on our psyche, Sometimes it takes not months, but years and you wake up one morning to the realization that the world has moved on but you are still stuck in the same place. You can’t seem to be able to get over that someone, even though it may have been you who did the walking.

You’re not only mourning the death of the relationship but having this continuous dialogue inside your head on what went wrong, how you could have done things differently and how it could have worked. Or perhaps you are convinced something is wrong with you. You start having a pity party. Except this party has been ongoing for a long while and even those near and dear to you have taken their leave.

What is the mourning period allowed when one experiences loss? Experts say six months, a year at the most. But what do they know? They have not walked in your shoes.

I believe that the main reason why people can’t let go and move forward has much to do with their past. Previous losses they experienced while growing up where they may have gone thru a major loss, rejection, or neglect, where their needs weren’t attended to. Later, as adults, they are still searching for love but have still to learn how to have a healthy relationship. They can’t let go because they’re still not done dealing with previous losses.

Deep down, men and women often believe there is something unlovable about them and they are afraid they will never meet someone else who will love them. And they will hold on for dear life to whatever form of love they can get, even if it means being in a relationship that is abusive or unfulfilling.

The only way people can correct and heal a broken heart is when they are ready to accept, acknowledge and release. No one else holds the key to your well-being, nor do you need anyone else’s input, presence or permission.

Here’s some work you can do on your journey to wellness and wholeness:

1. Reconcile your past:

What was it that you needed but did not get growing up? Something that you had wanted but failed to ask for, or perhaps it was something you knew was not right but chose to ignore. Become aware of the heart of your hurt.

2. Make a new choice:

Choose to love yourself more. Tell yourself that staying hurt or angry does not serve you but is in fact robbing you of a beautiful life that is waiting for you. Convince yourself that making yourself right and someone else wrong does not make you more loving.

3. Cease contact:

Until you have gotten yourself to a happier place, until you have overcome your hurt and anger and reached a place of higher self-esteem, cease all communication with the person in your old relationship. That may not happen until far into the future, or perhaps it may never happen, but so be it.

4. Remember the bad:

This may be counter intuitive, but if you can’t get over your loss it is probably because you’re still idealizing the person and have forgotten all the bad stuff that happened in the relationship. The thing to do daily is to write down at least 3-5 hurtful things that were said and done to you, and read them. Use this technique until you have convinced yourself into believing that it really is best for you to move on.

5. Let it go:

Now that you’ve done step one thru four, you’re ready to let go. Start getting clear about the person you want to be, and the type of relationships you want to attract into your life. Then ready yourself to show up in the world in a different way.

6. Cultivate Self-Love:

Your relationships are like a mirror reflecting yourself back to you. The kind of love you draw into your life is dependent on the kind of love you extend to yourself. Take care of you, and fill yourself with love and self-esteem. You will attract the vibration that is in sync with your own vibrating energy.

7. Visualize:

Be clear on what you would want in your next relationship. Spend time in visualizing what characteristics you would like your next partner to embody. His sense of humor, his way of expressing love and affection to you, your shared values, your future goals together, experiences you would like to have together etc. When you start visualizing about your future the past failures recede into the background and you will find yourself thinking less and less about your ex.

Are you committed to moving forward in life? Have you given yourself permission to leave the past behind? It is your choice. Remember to give yourself time to clear the emotional issues before jumping into a new relationship. Course correct when you find yourself falling back, and above all, do be gentle with yourself.

Time heals all wounds.

“Today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened.

Don’t open the door to the study and begin reading.

Take down a musical instrument.

Let the beauty we love be what we do.

There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.”

~ Rumi

* Above is an excerpt from the #1 International bestseller, The SoulMate Checklist