It’s different in here now. That gaping hole in my heart, the void, the aching pain of emptiness…it’s changing. I can feel it. It’s slowly being filled with laughter, love and a sense of purpose. The things that have been uncovered in the years since my husband left me have taught me about loyalty, honesty and integrity (or the lack thereof). In a world where we value money, status and fame, it seems normal that there is a symbiotic relationship to all things void of meaning. Admittedly, I was there too; I just didn’t know it.
Through my journey into the unknown, I am beginning to understand what it means to be grounded. There are so many lessons to be learned in the face of fear, rejection and loneliness. They are well hidden lessons but they will be shown to you if you allow yourself to listen – and really hear – the messages they are trying to convey. Over and over again, you will be presented with situations that try to teach you these lessons until you finally stop resisting them.
What does all of that mean? Must you achieve some highly enlightened state in order to understand any of it? Will you find nirvana? No. Well, at least that hasn’t happened for me, yet.
When you realize that your growth is being hindered by someone else’s actions, it’s time to take control of your life. No longer will I be a prisoner of my own thoughts. You can live alongside the suffering for awhile but try not to drown in it. Put away the resentment, the bitterness and the self sabotage. Stop trying to quiet your inner voice and respect yourself with grace and courage. Your soul will feel heavy, your heart will hurt but getting to the other side of the pain is where the transformation begins. Embrace it.
Transformation, in it’s many forms, is a chance to start over. A new beginning, a rebirth, whatever you call it, it. is. frightening.
There’s the emotional transformation, the spiritual/mind-body transformation and the substantive, lifestyle transformation.
Emotional: By far, the most difficult (for me) to get a handle on. There are just so many feelings to examine, sort through,understand and let go. From my perspective, the emotions are fueled by the “whys”. Why didn’t he love me enough? Why didn’t he want to stay? Why did he leave without warning? Why did he treat me so badly during the divorce process? Why did he continue to hurt me with tabloid stories? For every one of these questions, the only answers are the ones you make up in your head. None of those answers bring solace or closure. They simply leave you in a pattern of emotional destruction.
Spiritual/Mind-Body: Inevitably, you look for meaning, guidance, someone or something to tell you it’s going to be OK. For me, it was yoga, meditation and shamanism. I’ve discussed this many times before so without going into great detail, it saved my life. I realize that is a bold statement to make but there are many reasons why I feel that way. Aside from the obvious mindful, calming effects of these practices, the people who I have met and now call friends, have been invaluable. The connectedness, the love and the support of these genuine people cannot be measured.
Lifestyle: So here’s the concrete stuff. There is no safety net, no fall-back plan, no winning lottery ticket. Your alimony sucks and it will run out before you know it. You realize that your former accountant not only made poor decisions on your behalf but he was actually stealing from you.
So what do you do? First, you take control by believing in yourself. Next, you put a plan in place that is flexible enough to change and grow with you. Lastly, you take action. Then, you just wait and hope that you are doing enough of the right things to live the lifestyle you envisioned for yourself.
Each of these pieces are a part of the “transformation” as is it not a destination but a perpetual journey. By nature, it is continuous and malleable and expansive. Be open to change and you will find what you need.