Ego & Relationships

When is our ego a positive voice inside relationships?

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Why Being You Is So Important To Long-Term Love

The happiest people create the happiest relationships. Those who have a strong sense of self know who they really are and what drives them. That also means that they know what they most want out of life.

People who feel more complete in being who they are DO make the best partners in intimate relationships.

When you read or hear the word “ego”, does it conjure up a negative connotation?  For many people I  work with, it does. The truth is that excessive ego can interfere with any relationship.

When the ego is so strong so that it becomes dominant, this creates all kinds of relational and intimacy challenges.  With excessive ego, things become so one-sided that there is no room to grow an intimate relationship.

I’d like to suggest that our ego shows up in two distinct ways:

  1. as the negative ego, which needs to dominate and be constantly heard and affirmed.
  2. as the positive ego, which is the stable center that knows and represents who we are at the core.

Negative egois showing up when you are having to have your own way, the proverbial “my way or the highway” mentality.  It’s all about you, which leaves little room for another to join you in a relationship. It also leaves no room for true emotional intimacy to develop.

Positive ego carries an integrity with it.  It shows up as knowing yourself, being you authentically, and trusting yourself.  It’s honoring your own wishes and needs in any relationship.

We were given an ego so that we don’t lose ourselves in the process of navigating life’s relationships. Our ego (or sense of self) helps us to avoid compromising circumstances.  Our ego is the home base of our personal integrity.

Positive ego can be displayed in the setting of gentle boundaries. I define a gentle boundary as an energetic placement within your control.  It is used/put in place to define what you do and do not desire. It’s knowing your “yes” and your “no”. It’s establishing your needs in a gentle, proactive way.  

If you’re being asked to do something that you really don’t want to do, you have to be able to say “Thank you and no.”  And, if you’re going to allow something you would say, “Thank you and yes”.

Too often, people avoid saying “no” early in the development of a relationship. It might be part of wanting to be liked, fit in, or found to be amicable. The truth is that over time, denial of our true voice results in relationships that do not serve us. 

Relationships are not an easy fit and feelings of joy do not abound if we cannot be our true selves.  The stress of not being ourselves builds until there are escalated arguments or one of the partners just walks away.

If this is an area that you have struggled, just begin gently exercising your voice. Showing up as yourself and being heard is absolutely necessary to any happy, long-term relationship.  You hold the power of you, inside your positive ego – own it!

Happy relationships rely on partners contributing, with their voices being heard and respected.  Demonstrating your voice is a wonderful way to exhibit personal integrity and be responsible to the relationship you are creating.    As a result, you are happier and your relationship is a happier one.

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