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Do you want to be loved or do you want to be right?

How to love and be loved when you have abandonment issues.

In the beginning of all new relationships there is an abundance of happiness, extreme attraction and pure excitement about being with each other. I remember when I first met my husband.  We were so in love with each other. Every word, every look, every sigh counted. Everything we did together was amazing. We were high on oxytocin.  All of our senses and emotions were heightened. We could not stop thinking about each other and never shut up about the other when we were out with our friends. We even played games to win over more interest and attachment to one another.

Fast forward, just seven years later, where my husband and I find ourselves arguing about the silliest things.  And, those feelings of happiness and excitement that were so present on in our relationship early on, don’t happen as frequently that’s for sure.  

So, I ask myself, why is that? My answer is this.  It’s because we are in our mid 30s and our long stuffed and forgotten negative emotions buried deep inside, have come back to haunt us. Those wounded little kids who still live inside us cannot tolerate even the smell or hint of resemblance of the things that hurt us so long ago. At times, we actually end up fighting with each other like little kids, until we are too exhausted to continue.

How do we protect and preserve our sacred relationship instead of giving in to our wounded inner child? With intention, we need to be loving and be in harmony with each other. That significant other is given to us so we are able to see something about ourselves that needs healing, that needs TLC. We are not given a person to have beautiful non-challenging interaction with (though it’s definitely possible don’t get me wrong), we are together to teach each other many things, especially about loving one another.

So, what is my husband teaching me?

He is teaching me about unconditional love. Love that I can then generate inside without his help. Love that I feel for myself. Self-esteem that is robust because I am robustly filled with emotions of love and support. I am alive. I am here.

We often look outside of ourselves for validation. We meet someone new and they tell us how great we are or how good looking we are.  Instantly we melt. It feels good! We feel good! But what we don’t realize is that we are the ones who generate those wonderful feelings inside. We are the source!  Be it ‘butterflies in the belly’, feelings of pride, love or infatuation, we are the source for those feelings? So, what if it were possible for you to feel those wonderful feelings any time you wanted to? I’m here to tell you it is possible. It is in fact, absolutely possible.  I’m learning to do it now. By healing our inner child = the part of us that heals within our psyche. When we don’t have any negative emotions left like fear of loss, fear of abandonment, issues in my case we are whole. We won’t be attracting events, people and circumstances to combat the negative feelings inside, we will attract the opposite if we are full of love. All that we will attract will be loving people, wonderful synchronicity and being at the right place at the right time. Isn’t that wonderful? It is! But how to get there? Some of us might already be there, and some of us may still need to do a bit of work.

Healthy relationships where others are capable of showing you love and are willing to give you their love freely and unconditionally, will help dramatically. Being self-aware of your triggers or what creates that “turtle” reaction of shutting and going into our preverbal shell.  Going into protection mode.  Or worse yet, lashing out in a negative way and identifying clearly which part of you is being hurt by which story you told yourself in response to what happened during the event and why. Pulling emotional reactions from the unconscious mind into the conscious, understanding where they are coming from and not acting on them. Being aware of my reactions is the key. And it’s only the matter of practice and time until I hone my new loving way of being. For that I am proud of myself and proud of my partner.  We will continue to hone a loving way of being with and for each other.

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- MARCUS AURELIUS

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