‘Divorce is Forever’
Nora Ephron famously quoted
So Hire a Divorce Coach
So you Don’t STUFF it up!
Why hire a Divorce Coach?
Is the standard question many men and women ask when they first contact me. This is a fair question, particularly when legal bills are stacking up, which they can during Divorce, specifically if you are in a divorcing a high-conflict or narcissist as, as I did.
It would have been a dream for me to have a Divorce Coach by my side, during my acrimonious and extremely spiteful Divorce with my financier ex-husband. Having that person by my side, to guide me, to listen to me and offer non-biased judgement and advice, and most importantly knowing they understand what I am experiencing, as they have walked in my shoes. That would have been a dream come true.
I was financially and emotionally battered during my Divorce, to the point I waved the white flag, when he threatened to have me committed. I know my husband was absolutely capable of his threat, and the pathetic offer on the table, I accepted. At that point of my life, with a young baby to raise, with most of our funds safely tucked away in off-shore accounts thanks to his financier knowledge, I chose my sanity over finances. I know I would not have given in so easily, if I had a Divorce Coach, who had experienced the road I was shakily on. I had employed a top lawyer and a therapist, but they had not experienced what I was going through, and that was the missing part in my divorce. This was why I created my business to ensure YOU don’t make the same mistake, and think you can do it all alone – DON’T.
My 6 Top Tips for Divorce are: –
1. Open & Build up an ARMAGEDDON FUND.
If you are feeling unhappy or insecure in your marriage, make sure you have an ARMAGEDDON FUND if you don’t have your own income source. Yes, you might think I’m overzealous or cynical, whatever you want to name it, but take it from one that was robbed by my husband, DON’T do as I did, do as I SAY. Have a fund that only you know about, that can be an emergency fund, so you are not left dependant on another human being.
2. Keep Getting UP!
As Muhammad Ali stated ‘The difference between a winner and a loser, is the winner continues to get up!’ Never a truer sentence spoken. The first few weeks following my marriage split, I did not want to get up out of bed. I didn’t want to eat, bathe or anything. Yet, I had to get up to feed my hungry daughter, to bathe her beautiful perfect little body and to keep her safe. Besides the basics of necessities, I simply didn’t function, but I did keep getting up. I was forced outside, to take my daughter for walks in the open air, to keep her healthy and at the same time it made me stronger. I can’t say it helped me think more clearly, as that would be a lie, but it did help me from completely shutting down. When your life hits a major hurdle and you can’t see over it, just remember to ‘Keep on getting up,’ think of Mohammed Ali and the hits he took, yet he never stopped getting up.
3. Hire the BEST Lawyer you possibly can!
This is where you my readers, will benefit from my mighty of mightiest fuck up! We had property and assets in the US, UK, Asia and Australia, and when I met my lawyer (who was highly recommended to me) and whom I entrusted my future with, that was my biggest mistake. He overlooked a major law in the main domicile of the marriage, which would have awarded me a much higher percentage of the assets. I have to own this error and realise I should not have given all my powers over to him, I should have researched divorce more than I did. This error cost me not only in dollars and cents, but the emotional fallout of needing to work more, at times when my daughter who was extremely sensitive and needing me. Not having this choice, due to this error was the greatest unfairness in my Divorce.
4. Employ good professional for support – Divorce Coach!
Hiring a Divorce Coach is the most sensible action after hiring a Lawyer. If you are seeing a divorce-coach or counsellor, and you don’t feel you are making progress, change practitioner, as they are not all as professional as each other. I learned this the extremely hard way, when I discovered my therapist was my husband’s therapist too, while he was in Hong Kong. This was a direct conflict of interest, and only confirmed my inner thoughts on this woman, whom I felt was not helping me in any way. Please beware who you employ to help you during times of extreme vulnerability as I was then.
5. Find Your Purpose!
My marriage was done, there were no more lies to listen to, and it was time for me to understand I was on my own. I was solely responsible to raise our daughter, so it was up to me to create the best future for both her and I. I had to begin to build a new life and it began with me returning to the workforce, when my daughter was 10 months old. I joined the multi-national I was with in Hong Kong in a much lesser capacity. I began work some Monday mornings @5am due to the demands of the Financial markets, and I was fortunate to have the help of a nanny, if not I could not have held down my role. As much as I loved my career, with my ex-husband’s career overseas, I chose not to pursue advancement or commit to a full-time role, as my daughter needed one parent to be the parent she deserved. I had to realise my career aspirations were about to take a roller-coaster plummet. Yet, I loved being back in the corporate world, using my brain and feeling worthwhile. It was the beginning of me regaining my self-esteem and my self-confidence and income stream. I also, gained further strength from declining roles from head-hunters, which fuelled my inner confidence and my feelings of self-worth. While my daughter was little, I would only commit to working 3 days a week, to be the Mother I wanted to be. Knowing what your purpose is, whether its returning to work for financial reasons, creating the business you have always wanted to do, or doing volunteer work, whatever you know what your purpose to be, dive into this with everything you have, as this will help you to regain your self-esteem and self-confidence, just as I did with baby steps.
We must learn to forgive to begin the true pathway to moving forward. You know when you meet men and women who have been divorced, or through a bad relationship, and they speak venomously about their ex, who you know they haven’t forgiven, nor have they moved on. Then they continue to complain on why they can’t meet anybody decent? I had to forgive my ex-husband, for me. I was so full of hate and jealousy over his wonderful life, that it hit me one day how it was destroying me. I was absolutely consumed by it. My ex I began to understand was a Narcissist, which meant he lacked any empathy towards anybody, particularly me. Once I understood this, with the help of the life-changing book ‘The Book of Forgiving by Desmond & Mpho Tutu,’ I could let go of the hate within me. We then became friends and co-parented across countries of the one thing that we were both thankful for, and that was our beautiful daughter.