Depression feels like infinite thoughts that occupy the smallest spaces in your brain; to an extent that your brain is not even free to respond to the people around or process their words. You are restless, trying to do all you can to combat this. You practice Yoga, running, exercising, watching television, eating healthy and what not? But then one day while running you feel two sides, right one asking you to never give up, to move on and on with all the good energy telling you that you can do it. But then there is the left side, a humongous opaque figure trying to grab you, offering utmost comfort, asking you nothing but to give up.
You fight, fight, and fight on and on but no one can see because this turbulence is occurring within your mind, making a room for itself. Unintentionally, you don’t even realize that your brain is so busy fighting all these estranged emotions that it even stops considering good or normal things around you. Appreciating the beauty, feeling the little breeze touching your face, the monsoon season you loved the most in childhood now holds no importance.
Slowly and slowly you stop working, you stop putting an effort, and you feel comfortable in just lying down.
That big black creature won!
Every little thing seems a task. It has been days you received a sound sleep. Getting out of the bed in the morning is a huge task. Taking a bath is a task, eating — even if it is your favorite food, does not light you up like before. When you move 360 degrees, you see blue shades, black shades, little grey ones, but not a single shining ray from those infinite points, it’s all negativity around- mocking at you. You hold yourself responsible for every abysmal happening in the surrounding. You tend to lose your affinity.
Your dreams seem to shatter. All the people around — laughing at you! See, you are worth nothing.
Everything seems to be adding water to the fire. Yes, water to blow off the fire you once had inside you. And the sole person who has the maximum share of it is no one but YOU. You try to extend your hand, hand for help, to every person you can think of. Yes, they wish to help you, help you get out of the trap you made for yourself. But do you really wanna come out? Or are you enjoying the sadness? Are you feeling relaxed in not getting up, in crying the whole day long, in not putting an effort? The hands are withdrawn. Now, there is no one but you. Only you. All those hands shout, that it is YOU who can break the trap, because it was YOU who made it. But do you wanna break it? Or wanna stay there forever…
Time passes, nobody feels like putting an effort to make you understand. Remember once you were the chirpiest of all, and now there you are- standing still, not uttering a word. People who used to ask you to stop talking are pleading you to utter a word. But you are still fighting inside, feeling pity on yourself. No, not fighting anymore, by now you have GIVEN UP.
All motivational quotes, videos, real life stories mean nothing. You just think some magic happened in their lives which broke that trap. But to tell you the truth- no magic ever happened to you and none will now. They seem meaningless. Eventually, you give it up all. You wish you were never born. No more effort to get up. It grabs you to the core. All darkness around. Wish to end your life? But see, it also requires an effort. You just lie there, hoping to never wake up again, requesting time to stop forever.
Depression always seemed a normal word related to sadness and tension when it showed its true colors to me. I faced it, I tried to fight, but I lost the game. I barely slept for an hour or so, this continued for about a month. Initially, it was just a mere tension of getting a job, but it aggrandized day by day, to a point where I lost all that I had in me. All the self-love, self-belief and self-worth. Starting from self-doubt, I rose it to a level where I lost my own self. Being a bright student from school days, the pressure of fulfilling the expectations of family, intimidation from little happenings, self-doubt in every situation were some of the reasons I succumbed to “depression”.
They took me to a physiatrist. I cried, I cried a lot. Was I gone mad or something? Why are they taking me there? I am not in depression, I haven’t even seen life yet. I am just a 20-year-old girl. Why a physiatrist? I resisted till I was forced to go. I came back running and promised to behave nicely but again no sleep, no effort, nothing. Then my best friend took me to another doctor. He started my medicines. A 20-year-old, who has seen nothing bad in her life is taking medicines. WOW! This is so bad — according to family, neighbors etc. Thanks to my mom and my two best friends who stood by me when the world was busy talking behind my back.
See, this is how India is, going to a physiatrist implies you are nothing but mad. The same was my thought process. I had nothing to say to him, I knew all of what he was going to say. See, I think I am smarter than the doctor. LOL. He started my medicines. I started sleeping a little, still no efforts though! I stopped the medicines in between. Again, depression started taking its toll. Prefinal semester exams were approaching; which I used to think I was going to fail anyhow. My medicines were started again, doctor scolded for leaving before completing the course. I was sleeping again. Still no effort…
Finally, In December 2017 I gave my semester exams like I used to. This was the turning point when I felt that I wanted to gain back my lost confidence. After exams, I applied for internships, gave interviews and cleared almost all. There was a time I was thinking that if I am capable of working as somebody’s maid in future (Oh yes, a maid, this was the level I pushed myself to… Crazy? Well, I know). Got a good internship, enjoyed working, people loved me there since I was the youngest and did all the work cheerfully. I learnt a lot. Then came the result, for which I was a little scared as I was almost convinced that I will not be able to complete my B.Tech, seeing my condition was pretty normal. I secured 83.04%..Tadaaa !
Yet again, Life was back to normal or what we say — Back on Track!
Magic happened, a fairy came, helped me through this. Helped me stand up and shine like never before. But, ever wondered who was the fairy?
If you ask what impression this experience had on me. I would say wonderful.
Little flashback: A year ago I was chirpy, loved making friends, meeting new people, learning but at the same time I was not a strong person at all. One had the power to make me cry with his/her words. I was always intimidated by little worrisome things happening. I never put my opinion but agreed to others. Because I was never confident about myself, my thoughts or my beliefs.
Depression was a true friend, even flattering foes are worse. It changed me to the core. It fixed some screws, made me realize the importance of self-worth. Often read — “Love yourself first” but I actually never loved myself. Depression made me love myself which in turn helped me spreading the love. I dare to put my opinion, I dare to speak and argue with those who always over powered me with their valiant personalities. Instead of crying, I show up, I fight. I realized the worth of this one life given to us by the almighty.
You’ve heard stories like this before…
Someone gets sick and recovers, suffers a terrible accident, and in one way or another stares death directly in the face.
Afterward, they act in a polar opposite way of their former selves. They write books, climb mountains, jump out of planes, start businesses and foundations, run for office, and a myriad of bucket list items get crossed off their list.
No encounter with death but my true friend helped me realize the uncertainty of life. Each second, each breath is of utmost importance. We cannot afford it to be taken away from us by somebody else or ourselves.
I just love to spread love around. Give my positivity to all the suffering souls and help as much as I can because life lived for others is life counted.
I wish that no one ever faces any sort of depression in their life time. But, my doctor told me that every one in four people suffer through this shit once in their life time. Please talk to me, I am no doctor but I would love to help you get out of that darkness you are fighting with.
And it is a request not to use a word like depression, anxiety, hyper tension etc. for your normal sadness. Because sadness is not depression. Hope you never face it.
“Once you become fearless, Life becomes limitless!”