My journey of child loss begins with the the sudden unexplained passing of my 7 year old son. I was thrown into a cesspool of such intense pain, grief and shock. It became the complete demise of not only my son, but the person I knew I was. Life as I knew it was over.
Child loss is a very different grief then any other. It’s not something you just get over or go through, it’s a jail sentence without the possibility of parole.
I didn’t want to be alive while my precious son was lying in the ground.
Begging Hashem to let us switch places, but to no avail. My shattered mind went to all sorts of places which I believed at the time was normal. I kept waking up night after night, with a shovel in my hand. Awoke I lay there wanting to dig him out because what kind of mother was I putting a 7 year old into the earth?
Many snow storms and pouring rain had me running for his coat. Why not? All my other kids got jackets.
The mind has many coping mechanisms to protect us from deep pain.
I wish I can say it gets better. Reality is what it is and I’m no magician. Through learning tools of acceptance,tefillah and deep spirituality one can utilize the time to grow.
I miss the person I once was; my innocence, my pure beliefs, my family life. They all bear the scars of trauma, loss and grief.
However, I love the person I’ve evolved into.
While always being a deep person. I’ve honed my depth now with truer connections, stronger faith and pure thoughts.
It was a battle that had me picking up pieces of my shattered heart that lay strewn over the floor. Each and every one of the broken pieces I painstakingly glued back together. Along with feelings of deep anguish and mental exhaustion, the inner work was so tiresome. While the cracks are not visible to the outside, it’s all there on the inside.
Today, I call myself a work in progress, because one is never truly done. The triggers: birthdays, yahrtzeits, simchos. All these nisayons that can bring you right back down like quicksand.
As with anything in life, we all have choices. I want to be remembered as some one who won the battle and not poor ZC who caved in.
Grief is so individual, that is why no healing can be the same for everyone. We all handle pain in our own unique way.
My one advice I would say to anyone in a pain-filled situation.
You do you, only you can know how you’ll be ok… There is no right or wrong way… Whatever your feeling at the moment is normal and ok.
Today, I can finally pay it forward and help others in this heart wrenching nisayon.
There is nothing like understanding what someone else is going through, and providing an open heart and shoulder who cares.