I wasn’t wired to believe in myself and “trust the process”. I came from two hard working parents and a very humble beginning. I was raised to follow instructions and make my parents proud. They didn’t come from a background with a deep understanding or appreciation of philosophy or metaphysics either. They came from a long line of hustlers. They were raised during a depression and a war. It was all about survival. And as a result of that mindset, I always felt rushed into things, reacting instead of careful consideration and that manifested into some really shitty decisions. I rarely saw an example of thinking things through from all angles. It was always an impulse reaction. Fear based decision making. Fear of missing out, fear of not having enough time or money and fear of losing just to name a few.
The one thing I have come to accept on this journey is that it’s absolutely vital that I continue to rewire my brain to fit the lifestyle habits that I now feel are in alignment with who I am today. It’s interesting when you’re growing up how you don’t question a learned behavior because you automatically assume it’s for your best interest, which in a sense when you’re young it is, but it’s important to be able to distinguish between a learned thought and behavior vs something that comes from your internal well spring of answers as an adult. That inner wellspring is like google on steroids. There are so many voices in this loud world so it’s imperative you have a connection with the still small voice within. As a result, none of my past associations or interests excite me anymore so I know I am headed in the right direction. I still have days where I feel like I can’t go on, but in those moments I stop whatever I’m doing and just move my body. Oftentimes it’s simply trapped energy within that needs to be released. I’ve also learned that it’s just the old me fading away making room for the new and improved me. It’s really exciting to watch her blossom. The only way to successfully move forward is feeling, healing and releasing. Otherwise you’re just recycling old crap and slowly building a mountain of rage that will affect others in addition to yourself. I now integrate new thoughts, habits and beliefs on a daily basis and while it’s very exciting, it can also feel a little scary too especially when you’re reprogramming your brain to have faith in the uncertainty. I am learning to rely upon someone I never have before, a more confident and powerful me, I’m a little wobbly and standing stronger everyday.. Most of us aren’t wired like that. We constantly seek outside ourselves for confirmation and validation. Consequently, it does get kind of tricky at times because my ego likes to make unannounced visits and will try to have a field day at the expense of my mental state. It tries to catch me slippin’. Gratefully the tools that I’ve been implementing have warning signs that I’m now cognizant of. I’m learning everyday how to balance it all while being patient, loving and kind toward myself. I’m a work in progress and all I’ve got is time.
It takes courage and discipline to stay on course. It takes a courageous act of bravery to choose the path less travelled and I’m proud of the strides that I’ve made over the past several years. I use that as motivation and inspiration to keep going. I’m human and I know there will always be days when I feel tired, but on those days I’ve learned to simply rest not give up. I remind myself that I’m just having a moment, and I allow myself to feel whatever I want to feel but I don’t get stuck there. I allow whatever wants to come forward to do so, only now I detach from it no longer identifying with it and merely become a spectator of the thought instead of claiming defeat. I’ve learned that it’s okay to walk away from friendships and relationships including familial ones if I feel like I am no longer growing from them. There’s no need to fight for a place in anyone’s life. I just accept that their time in my life is up and I make no apologies for moving on. I’ve learned to accept that people sometimes enter your life to teach you how NOT to be. It’s fascinating to see all of this shuffling for what it really is. A moment in time. A rearranging of scenery. Physically allowing the universe to set the stage for the next act. I’ve come a long way and in the infamous words of Nina Simone, “I’m feeling good!!” I know by removing all of these unhealthy components from my life, it makes room for all of the new and exciting changes that are ready to take place. They were just waiting for me to release my grip on the old. A good clearing out is vital every so often to remove what isn’t working and integrate what is meant for us…(thank you Marie Kondo) It’s taught me that before any radical shift, chaos must be present.
Learning to think and act for myself has been such a rewarding, life expanding experience. Since this realization, my creativity has been so fluid. That is the most beautiful proof. I’m learning how to access my vulnerability turning my years of pain, doubt, fear and regret into my most beautiful message. My legacy. From this place I am fearless! Learning how to lean into myself more and more everyday and being grateful for what I find. Beautiful or messy, it’s all a gift. I no longer run from what makes me human. This is my human experience afterall.
There’s so much newness entering my life right now and I’m learning how to navigate through relying upon myself and not allowing it to intimidate me anymore. I face the day with a grateful expectancy. Putting myself out in the world in a way that I never have before, completely. It’s scary yet exhilarating. Once I made the verbal declaration to only entertain thoughts and feelings that bring me joy, the universe began sending me lots of synchronicity letting me know that I’m on the right track, reminding me of my power. And because of this mindset shift, I am met with happy agreeable people and circumstances on a daily basis. Life unfolds in such a beautiful way. I have faith and complete trust that all of my prayers have been heard and are now leaving a spiritual fulfillment center and being delivered into my life. I’ve learned that the universe can converge your destiny wherever you are and that’s amazing! I don’t have to struggle with life anymore. Learning to trust that it’s safe to release whatever isn’t for my highest and greatest good and allow it to be replaced with all there is is a blessing we are so afraid to welcome. Holding onto fear only delays the arrival of the good stuff. I know every morning when I wake up and get out of bed magic awaits me and I can’t wait to see all the ways the universe surprises and delights me with the things it knows I care about. These are the days I’ve been longing for.